


Firewall

by dreamofmetonight



Category: P!ATD - Fandom, Panic At The Disco, Panic! at the Disco, PatD
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-20 08:51:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 84,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1504298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamofmetonight/pseuds/dreamofmetonight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Internet and real life are meant to be separate, and meant to never intersect.<br/>But what happens if it does in the worst way possible, and you don't even know it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Firetheclowns97

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I just realized that I never gave you my tumblr URL in case you want to contact me. It's  
> dreamofmetonight.co.vu please don't hesitate to prod me if I don't update for some reason.   
> Or just ask me questions about my fic!

* * *

           Ryan wakes up with a jolt, gasping for his breath, immediately trying to place himself in reality. He quickly glances over to his ill-fated computer. He’s now able to breathe. He's always considered his computer his safety blanket. A place to go to when he needs to write his thoughts down. Or in this case—his nightmares.

            He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and pads over to his wooden desk. He carefully pulls out the wooden desk chair, and makes sure that it doesn’t scrape up against his flooring. If his parents knew that he was awake at this hour his safety blanket would be gone forever. They never understood his need to be on the computer constantly. And he never understood why they would be so worried about his safety blanket.

            The sixteen year old boy yawns and then stretches out his treebranch like arms into the air. He knows that that he won’t be getting anymore sleep tonight, so what’s the point of even trying? He’ll just be going back to his nightly occurrence of nightmares. And that’s something that he wants to avoid as much as possible, even if it results in sleeping in class and being late.

            He plants himself in the chair, and rolls it up closer to the desk. He’s often been reminded by the high school nurses to get glasses, but he knows that wearing them will just make him more prone to the daily bullying that he faces. It’s already bad that he’s viewed as being as close to a girl as possible—he doesn’t need glasses added onto that.

            He picks up the mouse and moves it around on the blank white mousepad, waiting for the computer to spring to life. The computer used to be his father’s before he upgraded to a Mac. When Ryan’s father got the new computer for the Christmas of that past year, he was slightly jealous. He knew that money was tight and didn’t understand how his father could get such an expensive present yet he got a pair of socks and toothpaste. He wasn’t ungrateful though. No, he was more—surprised. Ryan was never ungrateful. Being grateful for everything was grounded into him, like coffee in a coffee grinder.

            He blinks through blearily eyes and lets out a silent sigh. The computer suddenly springs back to life, and he sends out a mental thank you note to the computer gods. His computer has been on the fritz and he knows it’s only a matter of time before it finally does crash and he’ll be forced to go to their public library and use their computers. He hasn’t quite gotten to that level of desperation yet though.

            The computer fades from it’s simple Dell welcome screen to Ryan’s desktop, and he can’t help but let a sad smile slip out. His wallpaper stares back at him, and memories start flowing back to him. They always do, each and every time he turns on his computer. He can’t seem to help it either. He shakes his head slightly as if he’s trying to get rid of the memories, but it only messes up his nape length brown hair.

            The wallpaper disappears as a familiar chat window appears over it. A bright smile crosses over Ryan’s lips and he lunges for the keyboard. His long and slender fingers slide across the keys in an attempt to respond back to the message.

**Blockthewallx:** Look at you being a rebel and all by staying awake. Should I mail you some coffee for the morning?

**Firetheclowns97:** How the hell did you manage to get coffee? You would think that your parents would ban it from your house.

**Blockthewallx:** That’s so funny. Make fun of the kid with ADHD

**Firetheclowns97:** Oh I could never make fun of you :P

**Blockthewallx:** Yeah, yeah. So why are you awake at 2am Nightmares again

            Ryan sighs at the message and keeps his fingers still on the keyboard. The obvious answer is yes, but admitting to it—even to his online best friend—isn’t the easiest thing to do. The nightmares have been gone for a week and he knows that his friend will be upset that he’s dealing with them. He can’t very well ruin his friend’s night. Well the rest of his night at least.

**Firetheclowns97** : Nightmares are still gone. Thankfully.

**Blockthewallx** : So what’s up then?

**Firetheclowns97** : Dreading school, that’s all.

            He used to love school—he was popular in fact. But high school is a turning point as people have often said. You either find your cliché/niche or you drown. Ryan wasn’t drowning, but he wasn’t swimming either. He’s found his group. It just happens that his group has also been spotted by a group that everyone feared. Now he’s being drowned in the toilets every day. So technically, not drowning in the social sense of the word.

**Blockthewallx** : Only a few more years at least then college happens.

**Firetheclowns97** : Can’t come fast enough.

**Blockthewallx** : Have you told your parents about Berklee yet? I know you’re only a sophomore but Berklee’s waiting list is huge

            Berklee—or any college with a strong music program—has always been Ryan’s dream even from when he was five. His father—a musician himself—had given him a ukulele for Christmas that year and since then Ryan hasn’t stopped playing, even when his father quit playing. Ever since his father stopped playing, his parents have looked down upon him playing and continuing music. And whenever he tries to bring up Berklee or music in general, they tune him out. When he got a gently used—it was trashed and he had to rebuild it—guitar from goodwill, his parents had said it would collect dust soon enough.

            There isn't a single speck of dust on his guitar.

**Firetheclowns97** : Telling my parents that I want to go to Berklee is like telling your parents that you want to move to New York City to be a Broadway star.

**Blockthewallx** : I’m going to tell them eventually.

**Firetheclowns97** : Before or after you’re at Yale studying law?

**Blockthewallx:** Maybe I’ll just—

**Firetheclowns97:** You need to tell them. You’re a junior. I have time. You don’t.

**Blockthewallx:** You know my parents.

**Firetheclowns97** : Well, I technically don’t.

            That is true. Ryan and his friend have never met in person. In fact, they have never exchanged names, pictures, or even locations. All Ryan—and his friend—knows is that both of them are along the East Coast. He knows that it’s not exactly the safest, considering all of the internet weirdos out there, but being able to talk to his friend of a year is the best part of his day. He doesn’t judge him like everyone else at his high school does and his parents do.

**Blockthewallx** : You know what I’ve told you and I’ve pretty much told you everything.

**Firetheclowns97** : And you haven’t missed out on one detail.

**Blockthewallx** : I’m a very descriptive guy!

**Firetheclowns97** : Oh trust me, I know. You’ve talked in length about your massive crush on Pete Wentz and his flawless hair.

**Blockthewallx** : Dude! I swear that he must have sold his soul to the devil to get his hair. Do you think it would be weird if I asked him if I could touch it

**Firetheclowns97** : Like you’re ever going to meet him. Fall Out Boy broke up years ago.

**Blockthewallx** : But Believers Never Die!

            Ryan rolls his eyes. He’s used to his friend’s fangirling ways by now. Ryan is more of a Beatles fan, and his iPod is a testament to that fact. He’s counted countless times and according to it, he has over 200 songs of theirs. It doesn’t matter if it’s a live version, an acoustic track, a live version—he has it. Most of the songs he has were passed down by his father. He was a big fan as well.

            He remembers when there were sprawled out on their grey and faded carpet when he was only nine. His father had lugged out his old record player and his vinyl. They had spent an entire day listening to the entire Beatles discography. It was one of the last few happy memories that Ryan has of his father. Before the drinking started.

**Firetheclowns97** : You’re such a fangirl sometimes.

**Blockthewallx** : When it comes to Pete Wentz—I am. The dude’s sexy

**Firetheclowns97** : He’s not my type.

            Ryan gnaws at his lower lip. He knows that he shouldn’t lie. At least not to his friend. They’ve been talking for close to a year—he has the date carved into his brain—and he hasn’t told him the whole truth about certain things. He hasn’t told him that he’s gotten used to the taste of piss from the toilets, or that his father is a drunk. And he most certainly hasn’t told him that Pete Wentz is totally his type because well—he’s a guy.

**Blockthewallx** : You might be straight but you have to at least admit that he’s attractive.

            If only you knew, Ryan thought to himself.

**Firetheclowns97** : So why are you up at the lovely hour of…

            Ryan pauses to look at the clock in the lower corner of his computer screen—3:37am.

**Firetheclowns97** : 4 in the morning?

**Blockthewallx** : Last minute English homework. Me and words don’t work well together you’re the writer, aren’t you

            Even though Ryan didn’t show anyone any of his work, he was a writer. He started writing when his father started drinking. He convinced himself that writing was his coping mechanism. A way to deal with what was going on without numbing it with a joint or joining his father down the bottle. Sometimes that he wishes that he would have done the latter. Writing doesn’t make you less socially awkward.

            He sighs, and lets his fingers hover over the keys as he blinks through his increasingly heavy eyelids. He should try and get some sleep—he knows this—but he knows that the nightmares will quickly follow. And he can’t handle it right now. Ryan used to be able to deal with this in the past.

            One look at his once white walls which are now showered with random phrases and words that once meant something to him and you could tell how he dealt with it. He wrote. Random fragments from how his nightmares made him feel. Hushed secrets from girls gossiping about hook ups at his high school. He wrote, and wrote, and wrote until he could fall back to sleep. But he has no room left in his room. No way to control the nightmares now and it scared him shitless.

**Firetheclowns97** : Yeah. I am.

**Blockthewallx** : How come you never show me any of your work?

**Firetheclowns97** : Showing my work would be like showing you a picture of me.

**Blockthewallx** : How poetic

**Firetheclowns97** : Shouldn’t you be getting to sleep? Junior year sucks from what I’ve been told.

**Blockthewallx** : Who cares about sleep when you can just talk to someone who doesn’t judge you? We’ve been talking for almost a year now

**Firetheclowns97** : Dude, that’s so weird. A year. I didn’t even realize it.

            Ryan has though. Ryan realizes and notices everything. He notices how his friend takes a few minutes to type things and how the _blockthewallx is typing…_ always makes him wonder what he’s typing and what he could have said to make him edit the sentence. And how his friend only uses proper punctuation in the first sentence and not the second.

**Blockthewallx** : I feel like we should celebrate. You haven’t killed me yet

**Firetheclowns97** : Yet.

**Blockthewallx** : Are you planning something and should I tell my parents that I love them?

            Ryan laughs to himself silently. His laugh sounds foreign to his ears—too rough and hyena like. He’s used to his friend making him laugh, but it’s always a surprise when he can actually make him open mouth laugh. Laughter always in short supply in his life. He rubs at his eyes, trying to decide whether he should attempt to stay awake and talk to his friend, or fall asleep. Dealing with parents in the morning, or nightmares? He chooses the latter.

**Firetheclowns97** : Sure—I’ll be over in ten minutes. I’ll bring the popcorn and kidnap Pete Wentz on the way. Warn your parents.

**Blockthewallx** : I will. See you in ten, dude.

            Ryan gives a half smile to himself, and reaches down into the cabinet to the desk and searches for the off button. The only way to turn this computer off at this point is to hard shut it down. He can feel himself getting more and more desperate to using the public library’s computer. He lets out a small sigh when he finally feels the cool off button, and holds the button as the computer shuts down. When he finally makes up enough money at his job he’ll get a new computer. Maybe even a laptop.

            He pulls his finger back from the power button, and turns around in his chair, facing his bed. Or rather, a mattress that has a Powerpuff Girl comforter on it. The comforter was a hand me down that one of his cousins gave the family. Ryan had sneered when he had gotten it. He was eleven when he got it, after all. But as time went on, he’s gotten attached to the girly comforter and the haphazard makeup stains that litter the faces of Buttercup, Bubbles, and Blossom. Not that he knows their names or anything. That would just be weird.

            He leans forward in the chair, and rubs his eyes as he tries to get up enough courage to finally try and sleep. School’s going to be hell for him, he knows it. He somehow managed to avoid his daily swirlee yesterday and he knows that they’re probably going to double up on it tomorrow. And he knows that he has to work as soon he gets out of school. Tomorrow is going to suck.

            He sighs to himself, and eventually propels himself up from the chair with some unknown force. It might be fear, exhaustion, or the hope that his friend might be online tomorrow so that he can lament about how awful the day was but he does get up somehow. His friend gets online every other day, except for weekends, and Ryan normally counts the minutes until Monday so that he can talk to him. If anyone knew what was going on, and how attached he was, people would think that he had a crush on his friend. But no—not a crush—why ever would he crush on someone he doesn’t really know?

            His long and skinny legs carry his thin frame back over to his stained mattress that was once his parents. He kicks at it with his bare and calloused feet. There was once a time when Ryan did have an actual bedframe, but he sold it to afford to get an iPod. His parents had chastised him for selling the bed frame to get an iPod. It wasn't a good investment. He would regret it soon enough. But it was another one of his safety blankets and he couldn’t live without any of them.

            Ryan yawns and crawls into bed, avoiding any fore mentionable stains. Maybe tomorrow he can avoid the swirlees again and go through school unscathed. He won’t need to go to his job smelling of piss and shit for once in his life. The Powerpuff Girls comforter is pulled over himself, and he rolls over to face his computer. After all, he can’t live without his safety blankets when the nightmares come.

 


	2. Blockthewallx

* * *

                “Brendon, _honey_ , we’re just worried about your dedication to Yale and if you really want to pursue this career option,” Brendon’s mother states snootily as she sits down on his king sized bed hesitantly, “we’ll understand if you want to choose a different career option.”

                Brendon exhales a puff of air and turns around in his black computer chair to face his mother, “I’m fine, _mother_ , I still want to be a lawyer. I promise that I’ll continue with my studies and make you and father proud of me.” Bullshit, Brendon thinks to himself, utter and complete bullshit. The day that his parents allow me to be anything less of a lawyer is the day that he comes out of the closet—never.

                “Well we’ve contacted one of your father’s previous professors and he’s recommended a list of books to help you prepare to take the SATs, and the ACTs as well as the—“

                “Yes, mother, I completely understand. I’ll pick up the books tomorrow at the bookstore,” Brendon quickly interrupts her, his voice precise and controlled. He knows that around his parents he had to be completely emotionless—like a robot.

                “That’s great, Brendon. How’s Spanish going?”

                Brendon resists the urge to roll his eyes. This is a normal occurrence now. Every Wednesday his mother would and ask for a progress report about his schooling. And every Wednesday he gets to flex his lying skills that he may need for the future.

                “Bueno, me encanta pito, quiero ir a Nueva York para ser cantante, yo yo torturado casi la toda la clase de segundo año, y te odio,” he quickly recites off the top of his head. Brendon loves Spanish, as weird at that sounded. He could curse out someone, spill his dirtiest secrets, and no one would know. Like for instance, he just told his mother that he likes dick, wants to move to New York City to be a singer, he’s tortured almost all of the sophomore class, and that he hates her. She didn't even know and he loves that control.

                His mother’s plump pink lips break out into a small smile, “Well, it seems like you’re picking that up quite well. How are your friends? Are they good?”

                “Yes, they’re good. Me and Jon had arranged to meet for coffee tomorrow but seeing that I have to pick up my books for Yale, I will have to postpone that,” he speaks carefully, and then wets his lips. Brendon is rich in friends. He has a steady tap of friends, and controls them with a snap of his fingers. He could easily have Jon pick up the books for him, but he knows that won’t go over well with his mother. She doesn’t know that her son has the record for most swirlee’s given in one semester, or that he has made out with a fair amount of boys in the bathroom stalls.

                It’s easy to shut the boys up over their bathroom makeout sessions. Brendon actually gets a thrill out of just making them shut up about it. Whether it be threaten them with expulsion, pay them off, or another swirlee. He found a way to shut them up, and he loved it. It turns him on.

                “I’m sure that Jon will understand when you tell him it’s for Yale,” she says while nodding her head. “Have you finished your homework yet?”

                “You interrupted my schoolwork, _mother_ ,” he lies confidently and rests his long fingers on his lap, covering up the erection that he had before his mother came into the room. Jerking off to gay porn isn't exactly schoolwork, but she doesn’t need to know that. If he plans everything correctly she won’t know until he’s far off from Summerlin, Nevada and won’t be able to do anything about it.

                “I had thought that you would be done by midnight, but I guess that I was wrong,” she bites back at him, “I will leave you to finish your schoolwork” She rises, and brushes her hands off on her khaki’s as if there’s invisible dirt. “Good night, Brendon.”

                “Good night, mother,” he doesn’t wait until she leaves before he’s rolled back around in his chair to face his brand new computer. Unlike Ryan, he normally gets what he wants. Whether it be from electronics, instruments, boys, girls—whatever he wants is his. His fellow students at his high school would call it the only child complex, but Brendon isn’t an only child. He's far from it, but after his brother left for Maryland he might as well be. 

                His relationship with his brother is complicated, to say the least. His brother is a couple of years older than him, so his brother was jealous of him being the center of attention. Brendon, on the other hand, hated being the center of attention, and just wanted to fly under the radar. The reputation that Brent left him in high school didn’t allow him to do that though.

                Brent was very much like Brendon in high school—raising hell for the students and the teachers. He didn’t push boys into bathroom stalls, and make out with them, but he was pretty much like Brendon in every single way. Maybe it was the fact that Brendon thought that he had to uphold the reputation, or he just hated every single person in high school, either way he had continued Brent’s legacy.

                 Brendon lets out a small animalistic groan as he pulls off his jeans. He had to wait to jerk off while his mother was interrogating him about school and he just wants to get this over with. He had a guy picked out at school to push into a bathroom, but he ran before he could catch him, and it was messing with his normal routine. He hated jerking off to porn like any other teenager did when he had tons of guys at his disposal, but this was the best he was going to get.

                He lets out a needy moan, and palms himself through his boxers, his hips bucking up towards his hand. He knows that just watching the porn would be better than just imagining it, but his earphones could easily be rammed out, and the sound of moans—other than his own—could come blaring from his computer. It was bad enough that his mother caught him hard.

                “S—Shit,” he cries out, that bubbling sensation coming way too soon for him. But then again, his hand feels so much better than the sloppy mouths and jerky hands of sophomores who obviously have no idea what they are doing.

                They’ve barely touched themselves versus Brendon Boyd Urie. They don’t know how if you just palm him through his boxers or jeans, he’ll come. Or that he loves to be the submissive one. They don’t know that, so sometimes, Brendon’s hand is even better than the eager mouths of sophomore boys.

                A loud moan erupts from his mouth, his back instantly arching as he comes long and hard into his boxers. He bites down on his lower lip, in an attempt to ride through the post orgasm without any further noise. His parent’s room may be in another wing of the house, but he wasn’t going to risk any more noise.

                The seventeen year old boy’s heavy breathing slowly calms down, and a small giggle slips out of his lips. After orgasms he’s normally giddy and happy, otherwise giddy and happy isn't a personality trait that Brendon normally exhibits. 

                “Yeah, not going to do that again,” he laughs to himself. He rolls his chair back from his computer, and gets up from the chair, to take off his cum covered boxers. He throws his boxers onto his bed and fetches another pair of boxers from his floor. “Should be clean,” he questions himself, and brings the material up to his nose, effectively smelling only the stench of high school. He shrugs his skinny shoulders and shimmies his thin frame into the boxers. He’ll take the chance that they aren’t fully clean.

                He sits back down in his chair, and rolls back towards the computer with a small sigh. No matter how popular Brendon was at school, or how many boys he’s made out with in secret, he always comes home to this. The realization that when he was home—he's home. There's no one telling him how special and amazing he was. Or how his brown hair was perfectly offset by his pale complexion and chocolate brown eyes. He was alone, and it scares him every time. 

                When alone, he picks himself apart. He could stand hours looking at himself in a mirror, critiquing everything he saw. His teeth aren't perfect, and his lips are too big. He could swallow someone with them. And don’t let him get started on how his hips protrude from his body. He's too skinny, not enough muscle—he wouldn’t stop.

                But tonight is different. He is waiting for someone to talk to. The familiar beep of a Facebook message makes Brendon roll his eyes with annoyance. Facebook is the bane of his existence, but it’s probably Jon, so he might as well answer his message.

                **Jon Walker** : U do hw?

                **Brendon Urie** : You do know that you messaged me, right?

                **Jon Walker** : Oh yes, I 4got that u like to pay 4 ur hw

                Brendon rolls his eyes and grunts at Jon’s spelling and grammar choices. He might not be the best writer—in fact he’s the worst in the world—but he knows that when you’re talking to someone you should at least use the word instead of stupid abbreviations.

                **Brendon Urie** : Pay being the chosen word here

                **Jon Walker** : Kay, u demand 4 it

                **Brendon Urie** : Demand being the chosen word here

                **Jon Walker** : It’s either homework or swirlee’s for them

                **Brendon Urie** : Oh! So you do know proper grammar

                **Jon Walker** : Oh fuck off, Urie

                **Brendon Urie** : Isn’t that what you have Cassie for? You’re so pussy whipped, I swear

                **Jon Walker** : Coming from the guy who hasn’t had a relationship since Sarah

                **Brendon Urie** : She was too needy. You know how I am

                Sarah was everything that his parents wanted her to be; respectful, nice, honor roll student, confident, involved in her community. Brendon had liked her too. It was nice to know that he could always call her and she would be there to talk to him whenever he needed to. Or she would come over to his house and they would just watch Disney movies—only Sarah knows about his obsession to Disney—and he would sing over A Whole New World. He liked her.

                **Jon Walker** : And yet you were the first one to tell her that you loved her. You’ve known me for your entire life. Don’t try to lie to me.

                Brendon resists the urge to shut down his computer now, and not to talk to Jon until tomorrow, when he had an better comeback. He had been the first one to tell Sarah that he loved her, and he remembers it like it was yesterday. It wasn’t anything special. It wasn’t this profound effect. He just woke up one day with her curled up around him, and realized how different his life would be without her. He wouldn’t have someone to talk to, and talk about his obsessions with. He wouldn’t have a best friend.

                **Brendon Urie** : I see that you’ve taken a liking to using proper words now.

                **Jon Walker** : So seeing that it’s almost 2am I’m guessing that you’re going to be stealing homework from a freshmen? Or maybe that girly looking guy that ran away yesterday? I’m surprised that he could even run with those stick legs.

                Brendon’s fingers hover over the keys, as he tries to process his thoughts. The guy that he was targeting didn’t seem specifically smart. In fact, he hadn’t even seen him before he saw him in the library. The boy was hunched over a tattered notebook, a large and holey Beatles shirt hung from his thin frame like the dirty shell of a clam covering a diamond in disguise. He might not seem smart—then again he was probably smarter than Brendon—but the moment that Brendon laid his eyes on the so completely in his own world boy, he knew that he had to have him.

                **Brendon Urie** : So why exactly are you up at 2am? Girl troubles again?

                **Jon Walker** : Cassie is all talks about junior prom, and what dress she’s getting, and what I should wear—just make it stop.

                **Brendon Urie** : It’s only January. We still have months till junior prom.

                **Jon Walker:** You try telling her that! What the fuck is a sweetheart neckline!? I don’t know! I don’t want to know!

                Brendon chuckles to himself softly, and rubs at his eyes. He should be getting on soo—his face instantly spreads into a smile, and his fingers fly to his mouse. He quickly drags the mouse along his desk, and minimizes out of Facebook. At this point, Brendon knows his schedule. He pulls up that familiar program, and his fingers fly to the keys.

                **Blockthewallx** : Look at you being a rebel and all by staying awake. Should I send you some coffee for the morning?

                His fingers tap against his wooden desk, and waits for a response as he blinks through bleary eyes. Sleeping was never his forte. Living in the same house with your older prankster brother for years taught him to never let his guard down.

**Firetheclowns97:** How the hell did you manage to get coffee? You would think that your parents would ban it from your house.

                Brendon rolls his eyes with a slight smile on his face. His friend—firetheclowns97 always put him in his place, and he found it irresistible. Not that he liked his online friend. Because that would just be creepy. He didn’t know anything about this boy.

**Blockthewallx:** That’s so funny. Make fun of the kid with ADHD

**Firetheclowns97:** Oh I could never make fun of you :P

**Blockthewallx:** Yeah, yeah. So why are you awake at 2am Nightmares again

                Brendon knows it’s his friend’s nightmares again and he’s not even there. The last time his friend came online this early in the morning was last week. And then the nightmares disappeared for another week—he’s been counting, and always knows when he’s going to need to talk. He has an invisible schedule written up in his head to help protect his friend. It's easy to say that he's grown attached to him.

**Firetheclowns97** : Nightmares are still gone. Thankfully.

                “Liar,” Brendon whispers, his voice full of amusement. He should ask further, and he knows that he should, but he can’t push him. He still hasn’t even talked about what the nightmares are about and they’ve been talking for a year.

**Blockthewallx** : So what’s up then?

**Firetheclowns97** : Dreading school, that’s all.

                He wishes that he could just transport himself to whatever school Ryan goes to, and make everything better. But he's afraid that things about his _real_ life might scare his friend off. For example, he hasn't mentioned that he’s popular at his high school, or that he makes out with boys in bathroom stalls. And somehow he knows that it would freak his friend out. 

**Blockthewallx** : Only a few more years at least then college happens.

**Firetheclowns97** : Can’t come fast enough.

                For Brendon it was coming way too fast, and he couldn't stop it. He’s already filled out his application for Yale, and his future is already planned out for him. He’s expected to get into Yale, and go through his four years, pass the bar exam, and make his parents proud. He’ll settle down with a nice girl, and pop out a few grandkids to make his parents proud. He has to, now that Brent has left for Maryland.

**Blockthewallx** : Have you told your parents about Berklee yet? I know you’re only a sophomore but Berklee’s waiting list is huge

**Firetheclowns97** : Telling my parents that I want to go to Berklee is like telling your parents that you want to move to New York City to be a Broadway star.

**Blockthewallx** : I’m going to tell them eventually

                And he wants to tell them, he really does. He wants to be able to travel to New York City, and pursue his dreams of being on Broadway. He wants to see the bright lights, and the city that never sleeps. He wants to scrape together change to make rent for that month, and live in a shitty apartment. He wants to know what it’s like to actually live, and not live a lie.

**Firetheclowns97** : Before or after you’re at Yale studying law?

**Blockthewallx:** Maybe I’ll just—

**Firetheclowns97:** You need to tell them. You’re a junior. I have time. You don’t.

**Blockthewallx:** You know my parents.

**Firetheclowns97** : Well, I technically don’t.

                He doesn't, and Brendon knows that. He doesn’t know that Brent left his senior year of high school, in pursuit of living the musician’s life, and that his parents didn’t support him at all. He doesn’t know that he hasn’t heard from Brent in two years, and doesn’t even know if he’s alive or dead. He doesn’t know that he’s afraid that’s going to happen to him.

                He only knows that his parents are Mormon, and want him to be a lawyer. That’s all he knows. And it needs to stay that way. 

**Blockthewallx** : You know what I’ve told you and I’ve pretty much told you everything.

**Firetheclowns97** : And you haven’t missed out on one detail.

**Blockthewallx** : I’m a very descriptive guy!

**Firetheclowns97** : Oh trust me, I know. You’ve talked in length about your massive crush on Pete Wentz and his flawless hair.

                Brendon bites on his lower lip, in an attempt to stop a smile that shouldn’t be spreading across his face like it’s Christmas morning. Talking to his friend about his sexuality is simple. There’s no judgment or ‘you’re going to hell!’ it’s just simple talking, and teasing him about his celebrity crushes. It’s what he wishes he could have with Jon, or even Brent. But so much better.

**Blockthewallx** : Dude! I swear that he must have sold his soul to the devil to get his hair. Do you think it would be weird if I asked him if I could touch it

**Firetheclowns97** : Like you’re ever going to meet him. Fall Out Boy broke up years ago.

**Blockthewallx** : But Believers Never Die!

                A fanboy doesn’t even come close to Brendon’s admiration for Fall Out Boy. He’s so gone at this point, he’s passed the fanboy spectrum and entered fangirl status

**Firetheclowns97** : You’re such a fangirl sometimes.

**Blockthewallx** : When it comes to Pete Wentz—I am. The dude’s sexy

**Firetheclowns97** : He’s not my type.

**Blockthewallx** : You might be straight but you have to at least admit that he’s attractive.

**Firetheclowns97** : So why are you up at the lovely hour of…

**Firetheclowns97** : 4 in the morning?

                Telling his online friend that he's up because he was waiting for him would be creepy. And telling him that he was up at 4 in the morning because he was thinking about Library Boy would also be creepy.

**Blockthewallx** : Last minute English homework. Me and words don’t work well together you’re the writer, aren’t you

                Brendon wishes that his friend would show him his work. He knows that how amazing he must be with words. He just knows it. The words and messages he gets from his friend is proof of that. Even him describing his day seems like poetry to Brendon. 

**Firetheclowns97** : Yeah. I am.

**Blockthewallx** : How come you never show me any of your work?

**Firetheclowns97** : Showing my work would be like showing you a picture of me.

                Brendon was honestly okay with both at this point with him sending either. He agreed to the ‘rules’ when they first started talking, but over the past year, he’s been curious about what his friend looks like. He’s often imagined what he looks like, but he’s never asked. He doesn’t want to cross that line.

**Blockthewallx** : How poetic

**Firetheclowns97** : Shouldn’t you be getting to sleep? Junior year sucks from what I’ve been told.

                Junior year for Brendon isn't hard—well Brendon was just hard a few minutes ago— at all. Everything was being done for him. Hell, even his daily orgasms were being done for him. He didn’t even need to go and seek it out for him.

**Blockthewallx** : Who cares about sleep when you can just talk to someone who doesn’t judge you? We’ve been talking for almost a year now

                He had been counting down the days, and had even considered getting him something. But he quickly nixed the idea. He didn’t want to seem too attached. Which he totally was. 

**Firetheclowns97** : Dude, that’s so weird. A year. I didn’t even realize it.

**Blockthewallx** : I feel like we should celebrate. You haven’t killed me yet

**Firetheclowns97** : Yet.

**Blockthewallx** : Are you planning something and should I tell my parents that I love them?

**Firetheclowns97** : Sure—I’ll be over in ten minutes. I’ll bring the popcorn and kidnap Pete Wentz on the way. Warn your parents.

**Blockthewallx** : I will. See you in ten, dude.

               And the funny part is, that Brendon actually wished that he could see him in person. Or at least Skype—something. He’s been talking to his friend for a year. He’s told him that he’s gay. And he just wishes that he knew who he was. He wanted to thank him, give him a hug. He wants him to know his nightmares will disappear, and that they won’t ever hurt him again.

               But he can’t, and will never be able to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firewall will return May 20th


	3. You Should Share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mornings are different for Ryan and Brendon, in very different ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to upload this early after reading risky_business's Filthy Lucre newest chapters.  
> You should totally check out her work by the way.  
> After reading it, I decided to upload this chapter, and you'll see why.

                Before school starts for Ryan, waking up in the mornings for him always consists of one thing—chaos. And this morning was no exception. His mother was already at the hospital—she works from 6am to 9pm so Ryan doesn’t see her at all—and his father’s passed out on their couch. It’s a routine for him now, and he goes through the motions like it’s second nature for him.

                Pick up bottles, find some way to wake up his father—coffee was always the best choice before they had to cut it out of their budget—find something to wear that wasn’t too dirty, load up backpack full of laundry to wash later at the Laundromat near his work, get his books, and get on the bus in a matter of an hour. There’s been countless times where he hasn’t made it in time to get on his bus, and he’s had to make the half hour walk to his high school. He would take the lateness, and deal with it later.

                This day didn’t result in a lateness. He was able to wake up his father with a hard slap across his face, and Ryan had gotten one in return. An eye for an eye, his father said, and went to the refrigerator to rummage for his drink of choice—beer. The routine would start again tomorrow morning, but Ryan wasn’t thinking about how he’d wake his father up the next day.

                 He was thinking about the beet red hand print on his cheek. Luckily he was able to raid his mother’s makeup and hide the embarrassing hand print on his face. He was used to this at this point, and was the reason why he was talented at makeup. He’s been practicing for years now. You have a black eye,  and don’t know how to cover it? Call Ryan. Hickey that needs to be covered from a one night stand? He’s your guy. But don’t expect him to be on time.

                 On the other hand, waking up in the mornings for Brendon always consists of one thing—luxury. And this morning was no exception. He was woken up at 8am thanks to his mother, and he took a long shower to wake himself up. He picked something from his wardrobe—normally something expensive and name brand—and ate a normal American breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast, and he stuffed his books and electronics—laptop and tablet—into his backpack.

                 His father drives him to school, and tells him to make him proud, but don’t forget to have a fun time at school at the same time. Don’t forget to study hard too! Brendon grins and bears it, acts like a perfect child until he gets into school. That’s when things like parents disappear, and another facade appears. 

                 “I heard that Keltie is having a party tonight, you in?” A clean shaven and cherub faced 17 year old boy whispers to Brendon in English class. Brendon rolls his eyes.

                 He’s been going to parties ever since he entered high school, and each is advertised as ‘a better time than last time!’ and ‘we won’t be caught this time!’ Each party ends in a scolding from his parents, about how he’s better than this, and that this won’t look good to Yale.

                 “Spencer, Keltie’s parties always result in her getting so shit faced that she thinks that you look like an angel who _totally_ needs to bone her,” Brendon responds with annoyance, as he spins his pen between his fingers.

                 “Well duh. That’s why I want to go. If I can use my angel like features—“

                 “I still don’t understand how she thinks that you look like an angel—“

                 “I'm thinking about buying a halo and angel wings,” Spencer continues, blatantly ignoring Brendon.

                 “And this is why you don’t have a girlfriend, Spence. You’re too obsessed with sex and—“

                 “Brendon Urie!” A shrill voice belonging to their English teacher quickly interrupts their conversation. Brendon groans internally. He swears that his English teacher, Mr. Joseph, has it out for him. Every time he’s handed in an assignment thinking he did well on it, he’s been wrong. And each time, he thinks he has an answer right, he’s wrong. That’s why he’s failing English. Also because he can’t bothered to deal with English, but that’s beyond the point.

                 Brendon squeezes his eyes shut, the pen now stuck between his forefinger and his thumb, “You have called my name, and you will receive an answer.” Even when stuck in the crosshairs of a teacher, he tries to be a smartass, and tries to be as confident as possible. He can’t ruin his perfect image of not giving a shit.

                 “I assume that since you’re talking to Mr. Smith, you’ve already finished reading The Great Gatsby, and so has he. What does the ending reveal about the about wealth and the American Dream?”

                 Shit, Brendon thinks. He hasn’t even started the book. Hell, he doesn’t even know _what_ The Great Gatsby is. Sounds like a whale. Is the book the sequel of Moby Dick? Maybe.

                 “Well, The Great Gatsby teaches us that—“

              "Great Gatsby reveals that money doesn't mean anything when you’re lying face down in a pool after your ex-lover ran over someone, and you took the blame for her,” Ryan’s quiet voice announces from the back of the class. It’s uncommon for him—speaking up in class. But if he can save Brendon’s ass then maybe he’ll be easy on flushing his head in the toilet. Or at least when he’s not working right after school. Make a deal—something.

                 Mr. Joseph sits on top of his desk, his legs folding into an Indian position. “And how do you think that establishes the idea that the American Dream will never come true for us?” Shit. Ryan didn’t think that he would actually want to talk about it further.

                 He wets his lips, and sits up in his chair. Here goes nothing, he thinks to himself. “Gatsby is the ‘American Dream’, or at least what people think the American dream is. When immigrants come here, they dream of millions of dollars, and having a happy life. They want to find someone who loves them, and eventually settle down. Gatsby had that with Daisy, but lost it. Daisy in a way, destroyed him. His whole life was centered around her when he met her again.

                 “Gatsby at this point, loves her so much that he takes the blame when Daisy runs over Myrtle—her husband’s mistress—and ended up getting killed because of it. He may have had the money, but he didn’t have the happiness, or the love that he desired from Daisy, because in the end she said--through her actions-- that her alliance is to the husband that she married not to Gatsby.. He didn’t participate in the parties that he threw. He wasn’t happy, no matter how much money he made. The American dream may be possible, but not in this way. Scott Fitzgerald talks about what the American dream was back in the 1920’s. Things are different now. The dream isn’t the same anymore, so I think that the old idea of the American dream is over, but the new dream is still achievable.” Ryan feels like he’s just run a marathon, but then again he’s never been all that athletic, so anything could feel like a marathon to him.

                The teacher nods his head, his short black hair nodding along with him, “That’s a very interesting thought. Mr. Urie could learn something from you—what is your name again?”

                “Ryan Ross,” Ryan whispers, and just wants to sink further into his chair. He had meant to save Brendon, not make him angrier.

                “Yes, Mr. Ross, Brendon you could learn something from you,” the teacher uncrosses his legs and lets his legs dangle from his desk, “class dismissed.”

                Ryan quickly gets up, almost knocking his desk over in the process, and grabs his beat up green backpack that he’s had for years. He knows that being around Brendon at this point would result in his immediate death, or he would be wishing for death soon enough. He had meant to alleviate the abuse but it seems like he might have made it even worse.

                But in reality, he didn’t. Brendon’s actually, well—he’s turned on as he sits in the front of the class and waits for everyone to leave. Walking out of class with a boner isn’t on his to do list today. He’s known as the guy who lost his virginity at age 13—not actually true—so people would understand. Well, they would have to, because he’s Brendon Urie. But Ryan may not. And wait, why is he caring about this stupid Ryan Ross boy, he asks himself as Spencer looks at him like he has five heads.

                “Are you just going to sit there fuming or are you going to give the kid a swirlee?” Spencer asks him annoyingly, and then rolls his eyes. The motion looks weird on the cherub faced boy, and his voice echoes in the now empty class. A thought slowly swirls around Brendon’s head, and he crunches his eyebrow in thought.

                “Where did he go?”

                “How the fuck am I supposed to know? I don’t keep track of every boy with a bad fringe haircut” Spencer quickly gets up and grabs his backpack, which is, of course, Prada. If you take apart Spencer, you you’ll find that even his fucking blood is designer. Brendon glares at him, and Spencer throws his hands up. “Maybe the bathroom? I don’t know! What’s your problem today? You aren’t your normal Brendon Urie-self. Did you drink coffee again?”

                Brendon shrugs his shoulders as a response and stands up as well, towering over Spencer. They’ve often joked about how Spencer would eventually grow if he didn’t stop having sex all of the goddamn time. If Spencer had to become a born again virgin, he would break that rule in a matter of hours. Spencer is famous for the bathroom hookups that he keeps getting detention for. Brendon may lead by example, but at least he doesn’t get caught. He’s secretive that way.

                Brendon picks up his backpack—he’s more of a Gucci guy—and glides towards the door with confidence as Spencer follows close behind. Even though Jon has known Brendon for his entire life, Spencer and Brendon are much closer. When Sarah and Brendon broke up, Brendon called Spencer first.

                “Have fun with Ryan,” Spencer punches Brendon’s arm, “don’t torture the guy too much.” He gives Brendon a crooked smile, and easily blends into the new crowd of students.

                Spencer isn’t as popular as Brendon, but Spencer doesn’t care and views popularity as offseason sunglasses that you would find at Nordstorm Rack, and Brendon enjoys that. Considering that he was expected to uphold Brent’s reputation at high school, it was nice to know that at least one person doesn't care if he upheld it or not.

                Ryan throws his backpack onto the bathroom’s tiled floor and braces his arms on the white sink. He knows that he should just try and skip school. No one would notice except for the school, but his mother didn’t have a cell phone anymore. They wouldn’t be able to reach her, and when he gets home he could just delete the message.

                But he couldn’t just go home. His Dad is probably already passed out on the couch by now, and he doesn’t want to deal with having to take care of him. Maybe he could pick up an extra shift at his work. They could always use more money now that his Dad has been fired from his construction job. Or he could just stay in the library and read. At least Brendon couldn’t hurt him there.

                “You know, I thought that The Great Gatsby was about Moby Dick,” Brendon’s voice suddenly announces from the doorway to the bathroom. Ryan instantly jumps, his heart now racing. Shit, I really should have left, he thinks to himself.

                “O—oh yeah?” Ryan stutters out, his arms still on the sink, holding on to it like a life raft. He couldn’t possibly rip it out of the wall and use it as a weapon, but keeping his arms on it made him feel better for some reason. Something solid to hold onto.

                Brendon smirks at him, and pushes the trashcan up against the door, efficiently trapping Ryan and him inside of the bathroom. This was too much fun for him.

                Ryan shuts his eyes, bracing himself for impact. He’s used to this by now with his father, but having to deal with it at school now is going to destroy him. He just wants to disappear. It wouldn’t be all that hard. He could visit his online friend. And if he turned out to be a mass murderer, well then, hey. He might end up dead, but that wouldn’t be as horrible as being in a bathroom with Brenodn Urie.

                “You’re pretty, Ryan,” Brendon folds his arms across his chest and lets a crooked smile pass by his lips. Ryan’s not pretty in a conventional way. His hair was obviously cut by himself judging by how his brown hair is jagged in certain sections, and that same Beatles shirt is displayed by his bony chest. But to Brendon, he is the most attractive guy he has ever seen.

                “I—What?” Ryan’s eyes open in confusion, and he turns around to face Brendon who is still standing by the now blocked door.

                “You’re,” Brendon glides over towards Ryan, now closing the gap between them, “pretty”

                Ryan gulps, “I’m not—“

                “Neither am I”

                “G—Good. I—I have class can I leave?” Ryan’s eyes drop to the floor, and his hands fiddle with the worn strap of his backpack. He wants to leave as soon as possible. Brendon is too close for his comfort, and he feels like he might need to piss his pants. He won’t be able to wash these pants for a while because they’re out of laundry soap, and he doesn’t think he has enough quarters to go to the Laundromat to get them clean. Keeping them piss free is his mission.

                “Do you happen to have The Great Gatsby with you? It seems interesting,” Brendon bites at his lower lip, determined. This shouldn’t happen, but he gets what he wants, no matter what.

                “Y—Yeah,” Ryan stutters out quickly. Why he can’t just buy his own book, Ryan thinks to himself. But he knows better to not argue with him. He just wants to get to his class.

                “Could I have it?”

                “I—You could b—borrow it.”

                “I can’t have it?” Brendon cocks his head to the side, “you should learn to share”

                “I—I love the book. I—I could write down what happens. So that y—you won’t be caught like that a—again,” Ryan stammers out, his left hand wrapping around the black strap on his backpack. He can’t believe that he’s actually saying no. Saying no to Brendon Urie is like saying no to going back in time to see The Beatles while they’re all together—nobody would say no.

                “Or you could give me something else instead, Ry,” Brendon purred.

                “Do you want me to do your homework for a week? Because I could totally do that. I’m okay with that—yeah. Um—what classes are you taking?”

                Brendon steps forward again, his breath now hot on Ryan’s face, “I wasn’t talking about homework.”

                Ryan resists the urge to pull back, and flickers his eyes from the floor up to Brendon’s face, “I—Can we just reschedule the swirlee? I have work after school and I—I won’t have time to change”

                Brendon rolls his eyes, and balls his fist into Ryan’s shirt, pulling him closer. Ryan’s breathing quickly picks up. Fuck, Ryan thinks, I don’t think I can do this. He doesn’t think he can manage another punch today.

                “You’re very pretty, Ryan,” Brendon smashes his lips into Ryan’s, a strangled moan coming from Ryan’s side as his bag drops to the ground. Brendon quickly parts Ryan’s lips with his tongue, and sticks his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, leaving Ryan a horny and needy mess. The older boy runs his tongue underneath the younger boy’s tongue, leaving him panting. Without warning, Brendon pulls his mouth away from Ryan’s and nibbles down his jaw. Ryan lets out a large gasp, and digs his fingernails into his palm, as his teeth bite into his lower lip.

                Ryan struggles to find some way to push Brendon away, because this _cannot_ be happening. He doesn’t want this to be happening with fucking Brendon Urie, in a fucking bathroom. His first kiss should have been sweet, and nice, not by a boy who has the silver spoon shoved so far up his ass he can’t shit. And it most certainly should have not been with a _guy_. But as Brendon nibbles down his jaw, he can’t seem to feel any of his body parts except for his penis which is totally okay with enjoying this.

                “Neugh,” Ryan’s mouth spills out, as he struggles to find something to say. Tell him to stop or not to stop. Say something that means something.

                Brendon can’t help but smile at how completely undone and inexperienced Ryan is. Most of the guys that he’s made out with during these bathroom sessions have been at least a little  experienced. Ryan is a completely different case, and if things were different, Brendon would have loved to actually not kiss him in a bathroom stall where there’s urine and shit everywhere.

                Brendon runs his lips up Ryan’s jawline to his ear, and stops at his sweet spot. Ryan lets out a small sigh and thanks Brendon silently that he has his hands in his back pockets, or he may have fallen over by now.

                “So, are you going to give me The Great Gatsby or not, Ryan Ross?” Brendon whispers into Ryan’s ear, with a smirk.

                Ryan blinks, and then quickly regains his composure as he pushes Brendon away from him. “Fuck no, you asshole.”

                “I wouldn’t say that to me. Don’t you know that I get what I want?” Brendon narrows his eyes, and suddenly pushes Ryan up against a tiled wall. He isn’t used to people saying no.

                Ryan winces and glares at Brendon. He might be an inch taller than Brendon, but he’s a skinny wimp who has no muscles. He knows that if he tries to fight then he’ll end up worse.

                “You can’t get what you really want. You can’t get dick, Brendon,” Ryan growls out, and resists the urge to spit into Brendon’s face. Words work great, Ryan thinks to himself. He’s good with words.

                “Fuck off,” Brendon seeths. Who does this Ryan Ross boy think he is? He should have just shut up and let him kiss him. All of the other guys do.

                Ryan smirks, and bites at the side of his lower lip, “Can’t I just have you do that for me?” His confidence is growing, and goddamn does it feel good to him.

                “Just—” Brendon blows air out of his nose angrily and storms towards the door, just now realizing that he can’t do a dramatic scene because of the trashcan. He kicks the trashcan away and it falls to the side with a thud, “I like fucking _girls_ , not boys.”

                Ryan shrugs his shoulders and laughs, as he feels the confidence swirl in the bottom of his stomach up to his head. This feels _good_ for him. He’s never been this confident before; then again, he hasn’t made out with a guy in a bathroom before. He doesn’t even care that Brendon has now stormed out of the bathroom and that he could be dead by tomorrow. Because hey, he just had an amazing first kiss.


	4. Knowledge Costs A Lot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only so many one-liners you can say to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thanks to my beta infinityonfic, who has somehow dealt with my character development problems, and past pretense problems, and hasn't abandoned me yet.

                  Ryan has been worrying about money since he was twelve, but his mother tried to hide him from it. She would tell him that they were doing well, and of course things were harder to get, but it  was fine. But he knew how tight things really were. He saw how brand new foods he was used to started disappearing from their cabinets, and their refrigerator. He got used to not asking for stuff at this point and had learned and lived the motto of Duct Tape Fixes Everything.

                  When he turned thirteen he told his mother that he was going to get a job to support the family. He knew that it wouldn’t help all that much since his father was the primary breadwinner until he started throwing their money away in a bottle. Ryan would only get minimum wage, but he had to at least try to get out them out of the Duck Tape Fixes Everything phase. His mother told him that everything was fine, and that things would get better soon. That year he got a backpack for his birthday.     

                  He finally turned fourteen and knew that he had to get a job. They were using dishwasher soap as shampoo, and getting clothes washed was a luxury that they couldn’t spare. They sold their washer and dryer because they couldn’t afford to use the extra water. Ryan had felt like his world was falling apart, and the books that he used to run to had become a luxury that he couldn’t get.     

                  The fact that Ryan couldn’t buy books might be how he got his current job. Because he couldn’t buy the books, he would stop his neighborhood bookstore and hide behind a bookshelf with a novel. He would spend hours there, just reading and reading and never stopping. He would leave when the owner—Josh—would close the store. After a few weeks of Ryan doing this routine, Josh had offered Ryan a job and Ryan had quickly accepted.     

                  He’s been working at his job for two years, and he never gets bored. During his break he can curl up in a plush chair and skim through a new book, or just enjoy the new book smell. Sometimes Josh gives Ryan the five finger discount, and lets him take a book home. That was how The Great Gatsby became his favorite book. It was the first book that Josh gave him.     

                  “50 Shades of Grey is in _fact_ mommy porn,” Ryan tells Josh as he files books away on a bookshelf, “It was freaking fanfiction about Twilight, which is the most clichéd love story ever.”     

                  “Coming from the guy who thinks that The Great Gatsby is a great love story. Daisy doesn’t even get with Gatsby before he died. The dude didn’t even get any action,” Josh, a baseball capped and tattooed 25 year old man comments from a chair.     

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, and turns around to face him, “Not every story has a happy ending. It’s a realistic way to look at life. Twilight isn’t and not just because of the vampires, Josh."     

                   Josh throws his baseball cap at Ryan who quickly ducks, “Sometimes I think that you know more about books than I do, and I own this bookstore.”     

                  “You handle the expenses, and I read the books,” Ryan turns back to the bookshelf and continues filing away the books, “to tell you which books we need to restock.”   

                   Josh groans and throws his head back, “I hate restocking books. It’s too much work and corporate bullshit that I was trying to avoid when I started this bookstore.”

                   “I thought that you only started up the bookstore to impress Debby.” Ryan trails his fingers along the embossed spins of the books that he’s just lined up. Ryan doesn’t understand why people don’t like physical books. Now that the Nook and the Kindle have come out, people don’t buy hard copies of books anymore. But when you buy the digital copy, you can’t feel the embossed cover, and how it feels in your hands. You can’t breathe in the smell of books. He’s a book purist, you could say.    

                   “If that was true then you would be swimming in high school girls,” Josh says lazily, and picks up an issue of Cosmo from the table in front of him, “you’ve been working here for two years and I haven’t even heard you _mention_ a girl”    

                   Josh and Ryan have grown close during those two years. And they’ve been through a lot together, even if they just work together. Ryan was there to pick up the pieces of Josh when he and his girlfriend broke up. They’re close, but not quite close enough for Ryan to tell Josh why he hasn’t had girls swarming around him. Well, except for the fact that Ryan never really talks.    

                  “Girls aren’t exactly turned on by my extensive knowledge of the Dewey decimal system, Josh,” he says as his eyes scan the bookshelves for any book that could be out of place. “They also aren’t fond of the fact that I don’t wear designer clothes and I don’t like parties all that much.” He finishes his thought by adjusting a book that was pushed all of the way to the back of the bookshelf. He likes everything to be orderly. Every book should have a chance of getting bought.     

                  “You were like me when you were younger, Ryan—small, meek, timid. You have to bring that fire out, man. Find a hobby, sport—something. Tattoos were mine. Find yours,” he replies, as he flips through his magazine. “Dude, they have a sex quiz in here. I knew that we carried Cosmo for a reason.”     

                  Ryan snorts, and goes back to fixing the books when the bell to the door rings grabbing their attention to a new customer. Sales have been slow since Barnes and Noble opened up down the street. Everyone goes there to get their books now. Owning your own independent bookstore isn’t the easiest thing to do, and Josh had originally started up his business to impress his now ex-girlfriend, Debby. But he’s grown into it, and seems to like it.     

                  Ryan couldn’t imagine his life without it now. After what happened in the bathroom with Brendon, he couldn’t imagine anywhere else he could clear his thoughts and feel at home. He had no idea that Brendon Urie was gay—or bi—and it scares him. He knows that if Brendon wanted to shut him up, he had ways. Being the great great great grandson of the founder of the high school had its perks.     

                  He walks around the Young Adult section of the store, and walks towards the front door, expecting to greet someone who probably needs instructions to get to Barnes and Noble. But what he sees isn’t exactly that.     

                  “Is there anywhere else that I could get my books?” Brendon sneers and clenches his fist. He wants this to be true, but according to the list that he got from his mother, this bookstore was the only one that carried his books, “You know, where I don’t have to buy books from the poor?”     

                  Ryan scoffs, and throws his left hand up to his heart, “That really hurt, Brendon. Truly,” his voice dripping of sarcasm. “Me taking money from you would make me a modern day Robin Hood and I don’t look good in tights.”     

                  “Not with that shitty at home cut fringe, and your clothes that look like they haven’t been washed in days. Do you want to borrow some change from me? I’m sure I can spare some to a modern ‘version’ of Robin Hood who _desperately_ needs to learn proper hygiene.     

                  “Coming from the guy who smells like a walking Abercrombie and Fitch store. Do girls actually find that attractive or is it your money that they’re after?” Ryan spits out as Josh comes up beyond him, and claps him on the shoulder, then squeezes it. 

                  “Please ignore Ryan. He’s not very social unless it’s talking about books and even then he’s mostly rambling about how no other author will ever touch the pristine writing of F. Scott Fitzgerald,” Josh says with an eyeroll.     

                  Brendon nods and looks from Ryan to Josh. Could they be together? Josh is certainly attractive enough for Ryan. Even though he’s wearing a loose red shirt, you can obviously tell how ripped he is, and his black hair seems to have been painted on by a paint brush—it’s perfect.     

                  They look good together, Brendon decides. Even if they look odd together. Ryan is too short, and he looks like he could be broken by Josh. His ghostly appearance seemed to clash with Josh’s, but they look together and— What does Brendon care? Ryan is just another makeout session in a bathroom to him. He is just another liability who could make his house of cards fall down in front of him. He doesn’t care if they’re together or that Ryan does really, really like The Great Gatsby and that’s why he wouldn’t give it up to him. He doesn’t care at all.

                  “Why don’t you follow me and I can help you pick out the books that you’re looking for?” Josh suggests, and then removes his hand from Ryan’s shoulder, quickly placing his hands into his front pockets.

                  “Sure,” Brendon says curtly, with a slight shrug of his shoulders, “my parents aren’t expecting me for a few hours and it might be good way to get away from their constant nagging.”

                  Josh laughs in agreement, “I’m glad that as soon as I graduated college I moved to Nevada and started this bookstore. My parents didn’t have a say.”

                  Brendon furrows his brows. He didn’t realize that Josh was older. He looks like he might be 18, but certainly not college graduate age.

                  “Ryan, you man the cash register, alright?”

                  “Whatever,” Ryan grumbles as a response, and trudges off to the cash register, picking up an odd magazine as he goes. Brendon coming into the only place he felt okay is not something he wanted to deal with today. The bathroom incident was one thing, but this was completely different. If Josh weren’t here, he would have thrown Brendon out.

                  He sits down on the stool and flips through a back issue of Alternative Press, distractedly. He’s not really paying attention to the band recommendations or the band plastered on the front cover. He can’t when the sound of Josh and Brendon talking is echoing through the bookstore. Brendon can’t take his only fucking friend away when he had more than he could handle. It’s not fair.

                  He exhales and tosses the magazine onto the ground to be picked up later. He wishes that he could tell Josh what happened in the bathroom, but he knows that it would be awkward, and hell, even if _Ryan_ doesn’t know what really happened. Only Brendon knows. 

                  -

                  “So how long has Ryan worked here for?” Brendon casually asks Josh, as he balances a stack of books in his arms. Not that he even cared how long has he worked here for. Small talk is what Brendon is making.

                  “Almost two years. How do you know him? He hasn’t mentioned you before,” Josh runs his finger along the spines of books, searching for a book.

                  “We go to high school together,” Brendon bites at his lower lip. “We run in different circles normally.”

                  “Is that why you looked like you were about to either fuck him or attack him?” Josh states bluntly, and Brendon chokes on his spit.

                  “I’m not gay, or bi, or—I’m straight,” he manages to stutter out.

                  “Then you were about to attack him,” Josh pulls out a book. “He’s like my little brother and if you hurt him, I won’t hesitate to come after you. And I own a bookstore full of books heavier than you”     

                  Brendon nods rapidly, “Got it.”     

                  “Good, we’re in agreement. Let’s get you checked out then.”

                  -

                  Ryan pulls up that familiar instant messaging program on a tablet that is normally used for customers to look up what books they have, and what could be ordered. Since Ryan has been working here for two years, he knows exactly how to bypass regulations and still talk to his friend here. Ryan sighs when he notices that his friend isn’t online. Not that he expected him to be. But he still hoped.

                  **Firetheclowns97:** I know that you’re not online right now, but fuck, I have to talk to you. So much shit has gone on today that I need to tell you.     

                  Ryan sits back in the chair, and cracks his knuckles. He could tell him what happened right now. Or he could wait until he can actually talk to him about what happened.     

                  Brendon knows that Josh is still in the store, so getting into a fight with Ryan wouldn’t be in his favor, so he coughs politely instead of slamming his books down on the desk. Ryan looks up at Brendon, as if he’s an annoying fly that won’t fly away.      

                  “Enjoying the view, Urie? Maybe we could go to a bathroom and try that again, or are you going to be a cocktease again? Because that might work for the high school girls, but not for me.” Ryan says confidently, and then winks at him.     

                  Brendon gulps, and doesn’t care to admit that this cocky Ryan is a Ryan that he likes. Not that he even likes and—why is he thinking about him like this? He’s supposed to be a simple hookup, and that’s it. But even he can’t admit to himself that somehow Ryan seems to pull off the shy and cocky look, even in an outfit that looks he bought it at a thrift store.     

                  “D—Do you want me to check out with Josh?” Brendon’s voice squeaks out, and a sick smile crosses Ryan’s lips. Shy Brendon Urie, is a Brendon Urie that Ryan and probably the rest of the world has never seen before.     

                  “Cat got your tongue, Urie?”     

                  “C—Can I?” Brendon’s arms spill his books onto the counter, as if they’ve suddenly turned into jelly. This Ryan is turning Brendon into a blubbering mess, and Ryan likes it. He even relishes in it.     

                  “Sure,” Ryan replies, and slides the books over to the scanner, “SAT books, huh? Where are you thinking about going?” Ryan quickly decides to change the subject. He can only come up with so many snappy one liners.     

                  “My parents want me to go to Yale to study law. My Dad and Mom went to Yale and met there. It’s our ‘family destiny,” he says with a slight laugh. “My brother left before they forced him to go.” He's able to speak once again. 

                  “You don’t strike me as a lawyer,” Ryan scans another book, “you’re too cocky for that.” Small talk is good for Ryan. Even if he wants to slap Brendon across the face with a prep book.     

                  “Where are you thinking about going? You’re only a sophomore but it’s not too early to think about colleges. Scholarships take a while to fill out.” Brendon already has a feeling that he knows what the younger boy is going to say, but he still asks.    

                  Ryan stares down at the books as he’s scanning them. He shouldn’t want to tell Brendon his complicated issues with college, but he wants to at the same time. Having someone offline to spill everything would be nice. All of a sudden, that word vomit surfaces to the top, and he can’t stop, “I don’t know if I’m going to college. I want to, but I don’t know if I can. It’s not the money either it’s just—Never mind” Ryan instantly curses himself. He knows that he shouldn’t be letting him into his life. He could easily make his life a living hell. Well, more than it already is. He’s been laying low for his entire high school career for a reason and Brendon Urie was exactly it.

                  “I’m sure that things will work out. You’re too smart to just waste that,” Brendon gives him a half smile, and if he didn’t know any better his words sounded somewhat supportive.     

                  Ryan coughs to stop the awkward silence that was approaching quickly, “Your total comes to $50.45. Will that be cash, credit, or debit?” Changing the subject is the best thing for him to do right now.

                  “Are these books made of gold?"     

                  Ryan cracks a smile, “Knowledge costs a lot, Bren.”     

                  "That is true, Ry,” he hands over a credit card, and Ryan quickly runs the card through the card reader, “do you think that you could still copy The Great Gatsby for me? If you like it then it must be good.”

                  “Yeah,” he smiles again, “I think that I can do that.” He prints out the receipt, and slides it across the counter to Brendon along with his credit card.     

                  “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”     

                  “Yeah,” Ryan stuffs his books into a plastic bag, and hands it over to Brendon, “I guess you will.”     

                  “Cool,” Brendon’s voice monotone. He turns around and starts towards the door, but then stops before he opens the door, “You’re hot when you get all mad like that.”                    

                  Before Ryan gets a chance to open his mouth Brendon is out of the door like a bullet. Ryan groans, and holds his head in his hands. He is so fucked.

 


	5. RR

* * *

                Ryan has a ritual when he gets home from work. It’s the only way that he keeps somewhat sane. He comes home from work, tries to find something to eat, and avoid his father the best he can until his mother comes home and can take care of his father. It’s a silent agreement that they have. You deal with your father from these hours, and I’ll deal with him these hours. Ryan always gets the shitter side of the deal, but he deals with it. Without his father his mother would fall apart, and without her Ryan would fall apart.

                He loves his mother dearly, even if he never sees her because of her work schedule. He likes to imagine that she hasn’t changed much. She still has her hair tied up in a tight bun, and the infectious smile that makes Ryan’s face break out into a bright smile. She still has that kindness and compassion that he loved. He knows that his father isn’t good enough for her, and he hates it.

                Ryan’s stomach growls as he opens the fridge, hoping for something that looks somewhat eatable. The empty fridge stares back at him, and he sighs. His father must have gotten hungry during the day. He didn’t blame him, but he wished that he would have left something behind.

                He closes the fridge, and opens up a cabinet, expecting to find at least something—crackers, chips—something. The cabinet is exactly like the fridge—empty. He lets out another sigh and his stomach growls over top of the sigh.

                This is why Ryan looks like you could break him. He simply doesn’t get enough food, and when he does he stores it away for when he really needs it. Or he gives it to his mother because she doesn’t eat enough either. Ryan and his mother are alike in that way. They often think about others before themselves.

                He closes the cabinet silently. He knows better than to alert his father of his presence even if he might already be drunk in the living room. Maybe I have something in my room, Ryan thinks to himself. Even if he does, he’ll probably set it aside for his mother in the cabinet. He’s okay with going without food for today. He was thinking about getting something to eat at lunch, but he knew that he couldn’t afford it so he hauled himself in the library. Another one of his rituals to lay under the radar.

                Of course, Brendon Urie has ruined that now, just like he’s ruined Ryan’s attempt of having a perfect first kiss that he thought would be sweet.

                He bangs his head against the cabinet, “Fucking Brendon Urie,” he mumbles to himself. He pulls his head away from the cabinet, and carefully walks past the living room into his room. He instantly lunges towards to his computer, and spins around in his chair, turning on his computer as he spins.

                He clenches his eyes, and lets out a childish laugh. Something uncommon for him. He drags his feet on the ground to stop himself, and grabs the mouse to bring up that familiar program. It’s not probable that his friend is online, but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

                “Why aren’t you on,” Ryan whispers to himself, and then brings up a new window in Firefox. Not having his friend to talk with about what happened that day always freaks him out. What freaks him out even more that something could have happened to him and he’ll never know. That’s one of the worst parts of being just online friends. You don’t know what could have happened.

                His fingers glide across the keys, landing on a site that he’s forgotten about—Facebook. When he was popular Facebook was his home. But now he’s completely forgotten about it.

                As soon as he opens up the web page he’s flooded with memories and faces that he hasn’t talked to in years—Jac, Jenna, Addie—lots of girls. He’s never bonded with many guys even when he was in middle school. Maybe it was his subconscious warning him of what he would find out in a few short years, or maybe that girls were always more understanding and caring.

                His eyes glance up to the homepage, and the now blinking friend request icon. He moves the mouse up, and clicks on the friend request button.

                “Fucking Brendon Urie,” he grumbles to himself, as he finds out that Brendon sent him a request on Facebook. He went on Facebook, searched up his name, narrowed him down, and wanted to be his friend on Facebook. If things were different Ryan would have thought it would be sweet. But it just pissed him off now. Who does Brendon Urie think he is? Invading Ryan’s life like this. It’s not fair.

                That doesn’t stop Ryan from accepting the friend request though. He’s never on Facebook, and hasn’t posted anything in nearly two years, so does it even matter? And it doesn’t matter that Ryan is scrolling through Brendon’s page, and staring at the pictures that he’s posted with his friends. It doesn’t matter at all that he thinks that Brendon looks adorable in each photo. Why should it?

                The beep of a Facebook message makes Ryan jump, and he hits his knee on his desk. He lets out a loud groan, and rubs at his sore knee. This is why Ryan doesn’t attempt to socialize—he always gets hurt physically or emotionally.

                “Brendon Urie has messaged you,” Ryan reads outloud as he reads the message from Facebook, “just leave me alone, Brendon. I’ve lived undercover for this long, why are you bothering me now?”

**Brendon Urie** : Josh is right. You’re not very social

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Josh should keep his nose in his books.

**Brendon Urie** : Why so hostile?

**George** **Ryan Ross** : I don’t like people to be talking about me. Why are you so obsessed with me?

**Brendon Urie** : Thought you could use a friend.

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Josh is my friend. I don’t need anyone else.

**Brendon Urie** : Josh is your boss—not your friend. There’s a huge difference

**George** **Ryan Ross** : And you know how? You haven’t worked a day in your life. Your parents pay for everything, probably even your entire Yale tuition.

**Brendon Urie** : I don’t really want to go.

**George** **Ryan Ross** : You would turn down a full ride to college? If my parents were paying for me to college, and I wouldn’t have to do anything, I would take it.

**Brendon Urie** : But what if you were going to be miserable in your life if you went?

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Try being miserable because you know that you _aren’t_ going.

**Brendon Urie** : Do your parents not want you to go? There’s ways to pay for college, Ryan

                Ryan doesn’t want to let him in, but at the same time he does. There’s only so much he’s told Josh, and his online friend. He wishes that he could tell everyone everything. How he wishes sometimes that his father would just _die._ He would ask if that made him horrible, and mean spirited. He just wanted to pour his soul out, but he can only do that through his writing.

**George** **Ryan Ross** : You wouldn’t understand with your perfect family, and status quo perfect life.

**Brendon Urie** : You think that the grass is always greener on the other side? That’s not always true

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Certainly seems like it in this case

**Brendon Urie** : My older brother left for Maryland two years ago, and I haven’t heard anything from him. My parents pretend like he never existed. I don’t know where he is, and that terrifies me. He could be dead for all I know. I know that your life might be shit but you aren’t the only one.

                Ryan groans, and rests his head in his hands. He knows that he shouldn’t be acting like a dick, but Brendon doesn’t know what it’s like. He’s been gifted with wealth, and friends. His parents may want him to go Yale, and it sucks about his brother, but what about him? He can’t even go to college. And that pissed him off. Brendon was just willing to throw it away for nothing.

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Do you know what it’s like to starve? To go to school and be hungry, and want to eat, but you can’t afford it because all of your money went to making sure that your lights aren’t turned off? Do you know what it’s like to go without food for days? You don’t.

**Brendon Urie** : Did you eat today? You aren’t you when you’re hungry

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Is that a Snickers tagline?

**Brendon Urie** : If it was would that change anything?

**George** **Ryan Ross** : Why do you even care? Making sure that I ate enough so that you I have enough energy to fuck me in later in the bathroom?

                Brendon Urie made Ryan’s blood boil, and he’s not sure in the good or bad way. But he knows that he doesn’t want to find out.

**Brendon Urie** : I care because I’m hungry and I haven’t eaten yet.

**George** **Ryan Ross** : And that has to do with me how?

**Brendon Urie** : I’m in the mood for fast food, are you?

                At this point to Ryan, even a salad would look good. And it didn’t help that Brendon was offering up something that he hadn’t had in years. Fast food was always cheap—McDonalds dollar menu was always heaven to him—but that would require him walking to McDonalds, and then walking home. He didn’t really want to do this on Vegas Dr. where he could be shot at any time.

**George** **Ryan Ross** : If I said yes what would happen?

  **Brendon Urie** : I would pick you up, and we would go to Burger King and get something to eat. I still need that copy of The Great Gatsby for our homework

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : You can’t possibly read the entire book in one night.

  **Brendon Urie** : Is that a yes?

                Ryan gnaws at his lip as his fingers hover over the keyboard. He knows better than to turn down a meal but eating it with Brendon Urie makes him feel like he’s going to throw up and he’s not quite sure why. He rationalizes that it must be because he hates that he can’t afford to pay for his own meal. And that Brendon can easily scream out into the world that Ryan is beyond poor. But he can’t turn down a free meal, and Ryan has an extra copy of The Great Gatsby.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : Won’t your parents get mad that you aren’t joining them for dinner?

  **Brendon Urie** : You’re kidding right? The last time my parents and I ate dinner was before my brother left Plus they’re at some fancy dinner party thing They won’t care

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : I can’t pay you back or anything.

  **Brendon Urie** : Is money all you think about?

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : For a majority of my life—yes.

  **Brendon Urie** : Listen—

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : Kind of hard when we’re typing.

  **Brendon Urie** : What a smartass.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : I am acing a majority of my classes except for photography. Me and art don’t mix.

                Not exactly true. He wasn’t able to afford the photo supplies that he needed, so he’s just taking a failing grade instead. Cameras aren’t a luxury that he can afford.

  **Brendon Urie** : I may be rich, but you’re rich in smarts.

                It’s totally not weird that a small and shy smile spreads across Ryan’s face.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : If I didn’t know any better I would think that was a compliment, Urie.

  **Brendon Urie** : It was a simply ploy for you to come to Burger King so I can get my homework.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : I see.

  **Brendon Urie** : So are you coming or not?

                Ryan knows that taking this step means a lot. It means that he’s letting someone in, something he swore that he would never do. He doesn’t need someone prodding into his life, and then suddenly leaving soon after. He doesn’t need it. But he needs to eat.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : Sure.

  **Brendon Urie** : I’m glad that you got your stick out of your ass and finally let me in.

  **Ryan Ross** : Finally? You just met me today.

  **Brendon Urie** : Finally can mean a lot of things.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : I’m the one who is acing English. I know what finally means, and it means after a long period of time. And us meeting today which isn’t a long period of time.

  **Brendon Urie** : Finally can mean a lot of things.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : I’m going to eat dinner with you at Burger King. I’m not letting you in. It’s completely different.

  **Brendon Urie** : If you say so, Mr. Ross.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : Oh fuck off

  **Brendon Urie** : :P So what’s your address?

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : 1500 Vegas Dr.

  **Brendon Urie** : Shit. I’m coming to get you right now

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : It really isn’t that bad of a place as long as you don’t wear any of value, have your wallet on you, or go outside at all.

  **Brendon Urie** : I’m scared for my life now.

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : I thought that the big bad Brendon wasn’t scared of anything?

  **Brendon Urie** : You are so going to pay for that when I get there

  **George** **Ryan Ross** : You would actually have to get off Facebook and come to get me in order for that to happen

  **Brendon Urie** : See you in 10. Here’s hoping I don’t get stabbed

                Ryan chuckles as Brendon goes offline, and rolls back in the chair. He shouldn’t be this happy, but he is. It must be because of the fact that he’s going to eat. That must be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back. beta or not i'm back.


	6. Bitch Face

* * *

               Brendon huffs, and pushes the open door to his house, immediately arriving in the foyer of his parents’ house. He doesn’t waste in any time in walking towards the kitchen as his stomach growls. He should have picked something up while he was still out, but he leaves things to chance. One of his many faults in his opinion. He slings off his backpack onto the kitchen table, and opens the cabinets as he searches for something to eat. He’s left to his own devices as his parents are at some fancy dinner.

                After he left the bookstore—seeing Ryan—he got a phone call from them. He had hoped that he would be able to come home and have something already cooked for him. But his mother isn’t all that great at cooking, and neither is his father. Someone in the family normally runs out and picks something up to eat. Obviously that won’t be happening tonight.

                His eyes scan over the assorted snacks, cereals, soups, and cookies. There’s probably more, but Brendon can’t be bothered. There’s nothing to eat that strikes his fancy. You wouldn’t be able to tell from his thin frame, but a majority of his diet is mostly fast food. It’s comfort food for him. It reminds him of what his family used to have before Brent left.

                He remembers when Brent had gotten a perfect score on his SATs, so Brendon and his brother went out to Burger King and threw fries each other until they got kicked out. Or when Brent got his first girlfriend, and let Brendon tag along their first date at McDonalds. It was a stupid idea because his girlfriend broke up with him at the end of the day, because who brings a brother to a date? But it meant the world to Brendon. He misses his brother terribly.

                A small sigh escapes Brendon lips as he closes the cabinets. He needs to figure out a way to get out of this house before he goes crazy. He could drive around Summerlin, or go down the Strip, but that would just stir up memories that he really didn’t want to relive. He would do anything to trade memories with someone else who was happier maybe—Ryan.

                Brendon flies into his room, and lands in his chair. He quickly turns on the screen to the computer, the blue screen of Facebook instantly appearing. He’ll just send Ryan a friend request, there’s nothing weird about that. Just being friendly to someone who obviously needs more friends. Josh doesn’t count, he’s Ryan’s boss and could fire him at any second.

                His fingers fling forward onto the keys, and types _Ryan Ross_ into the search bar. His eyes scan the multiple results, and only old men with receding hairlines pop up. Obviously not Ryan. He taps his fingers on the keys, as he tries to think. He could ask Jon. Yeah, he’ll just ask Jon. He knows everyone at the school, even people like Ryan.

                He brings up Jon’s Facebook, and a bearded 17 year old smiling guy stares back at him. Brendon is pretty sure that Jon has had his beard since he was five. When Jon and Brendon were still in middle school, Jon would make it a point to shave even at school, but it never worked out. The beard would come back at the end of the day, so Jon just stopped and let it grow in. It suited him, unlike Brendon who couldn’t grow even a mustache if he tried.

 **Brendon Urie** : Do you happen to know of a Ryan Ross?

 **Jon Walker** : Isn’t that the kid who you were about to corner?

 **Brendon Urie** : Yeah.

 **Jon Walker** : For someone who is reportedly ‘a badass’ and ‘the hottest guy in our high school’, you don’t seem to know a lot of people.

 **Brendon Urie** : I don’t know people like Ryan Ross.

 **Jon Walker** : Do you mean people whose parents make less in a year than our parents do in an hour?

 **Brendon Urie** : Do you know him or not?

 **Jon Walker** : Yeah. I think that he wrote the school poem for our yearbook last year. Dude’s weird though. I heard that he sometimes steals food from the garbage.

                Brendon bites at his bottom lip. It’s totally possible that Ryan could be doing this. He knows that Ryan probably doesn’t eat. He looks like he could be blown away in the wind, and if he really needed to he’s sure that he would do it. Then again, gossip at his high school always get mixed up. That’s how everyone thinks that he lost his virginity at age 13.

 **Jon Walker** : Why do you ask?

 **Brendon Urie** : Dude promised me that he was going to do my homework for a week, and I didn’t get to tell him which classes I take.

 **Jon Walker** : Just wait till Monday to tell him. He’s probably still at school searching for scraps.

                No, he needed to talk to him right now. He wanted to go out with hi—he wanted to go out and get something to eat and thought that Ryan might want to come along. He needed to get out of this house and he didn’t think he could be alone right now.

 **Jon Walker** : Plus, Keltie’s party is tonight. I heard Sarah’s going to be there. I’m sure that if you say you’re sorry she’ll take you back.

 **Brendon Urie** : I think I’m catching a cold. I might pass

 **Jon Walker** : Brendon Urie is skipping a party? Are you sure you aren’t dying?

 **Brendon Urie** : Funny So do you know this Ryan Ross kid?

 **Jon Walker** : You aren’t going to drop this, are you?

 **Brendon Urie** : I have a lot of homework over the weekend.

                Brendon really has no homework at all, and if he even did he wouldn’t do it. His teachers are aware of the fact that his parents pledge a huge amount of money every year to the high school and wouldn’t do anything to risk that donation.

 **Jon Walker** : Have you tried searching him up on Facebook?

 **Brendon Urie** : Yeah. Nothing came up except for balding men who look like they could be on a Viagra commercial 

 **Jon Walker** : Wait, what did you search for?

 **Brendon Urie** : Ryan Ross?

 **Jon Walker** : That’s why! His full name is George Ryan Ross. He should pop up now. I guess he just doesn’t like his first name or something.

                Sure enough as soon as Brendon types in _George Ryan Ross_ into the search bar, Ryan pops up as the first result. Brendon clicks on his profile, and everything is locked so only friends can see it. But he can see a 15 year old Ryan who is shyly looking back at him. He has a crooked smile, and biting his lip. A small breathy sigh escapes Brendon’s lips and he quickly regrets it.

 **Jon Walker** : Did you find him?

 **Brendon Urie** : Yeah. Thanks

 **Jon Walker** : You sure that you’re not coming tonight? Spencer’s going to be disappointed that his wingman isn’t with him tonight.

                Brendon rolls his eyes with a slight smile

 **Brendon Urie** : Spencer could get anyone to fuck him, with or without me.

 **Jon Walker** : Right!? It must be the teddy bear thing.

 **Brendon Urie** : Or it’s his cherub face.

 **Jon Walker** : If I have to deal one more with Keltie draping herself over him, and calling him Saint Spencer, I’m going to drown myself in her pool.

 **Brendon Urie** : Just play sick and spend the night with Cassie.

 **Jon Walker** : She’s complaining about how every prom dress is either too slutty, or not slutty enough. I would rather deal with Keltie and Spencer.

 **Brendon Urie** : That’s rather serious, dude.

 **Jon Walker** : I’m probably just going to get shitfaced and spend the night at Spencer’s.

 **Brendon Urie** : How? Aren’t his parents at the dinner

 **Jon Walker** : They thought it was too ‘stuffy’ and just flew to Paris instead. Spencer was so pissed that they didn’t let him come with them.

 **Brendon Urie** : They survived Spencer’s bitch face?!

 **Jon Walker** : I know! I’m surprised that they’re still breathing.

                Brendon leans back in his chair and kicks his shoes off underneath his desk. He might as well get comfortable. He knows that Ryan will probably not accept his friend request, so why not get comfortable? He could order some pizza, smoke some stashed away weed that he got from Jon and just relax. But something in the pity of his stomach tells him to send a friend request to Ryan.

 **Jon Walker** : Shit. Spencer’s calling me. Have fun with your pizza and lube!

                He rolls his eyes and doesn’t bother to respond back to the blinking message, as his mouse hovers over the add friend button. This is a step that he didn’t want to take. He knew that he should stay home and get high and eat pizza. But he’s not in the mood for pizza, and he doesn’t want to admit to himself, that he’s in the mood for Ryan Ross too.

                His pointer finger—on a moment of weakness or a reflex—clicks the add friend button, and he instantly regrets it. What if Ryan thinks that he’s being creepy? Or weird? His profile picture seems really old so he might not even be on Facebook anymore. Brendon doesn’t know anything about Ryan except for the fact that he doesn’t like to be called George, he works at a bookstore, and doesn’t have a lot of money. He could be a mass murderer for all he knows.

                A small beep comes from Brendon’s computer, and his eyes quickly read over the screen— _George Ryan Ross has accepted your friend request_. His mouse instantly goes crazy as he clicks on his Facebook page, trying to soak up as much information as possible. He wants to find out everything about Ryan, mostly for his own safety. He doesn’t want to be inviting a murderer to eat with him.

                Ryan’s page is mostly barren, except for a hastily cropped picture of an ocean as his cover photo. The black and white is grainy, and it looks like the photo is just _there_. Brendon’s cover photo is a picture of him, Spencer, and Jon at a party with red cups positioned in their hands. He took hours trying to pick out a good photo and finally settled on it. But Ryan seemed to randomly pick out a photo from midair and didn’t put much thought in it.

                He scrolls down his page, and reads his basic information—Worker at D&J’s bookstore, studies at Palo Verde High School, lives in Summerlin, Nevada, It’s Complicated. Brendon’s brows furrow at Ryan’s relationship status. He didn’t seem to think that Ryan was seeing someone, or was interested in anyone. Maybe he really did like his boss? It could be highly possible.

                Brendon falls upon Ryan’s last status update—August 30th 2012—and bites at his lip. To Brendon reading the words _sit back and relapse again_ makes him feel like he’s walking on something that he shouldn’t. He feels like he shouldn’t be reading these status updates—Ryan’s words and thoughts—when he barely even knows who he is.

                He clicks on the message button, and types out a message. He wants to get to know Ryan, so he can feel privileged enough to read those words.

 **Brendon Urie** : Josh is right. You’re not very social

                He taps his fingers against the desk, and waits for Ryan’s answer. He knows that he shouldn’t give a shit, but he does this time. And he doesn’t know why.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Josh should keep his nose in his books.

 **Brendon Urie** : Why so hostile?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I don’t like people to be talking about me. Why are you so obsessed with me?

                In this school, Ryan, people talk about everything and everyone, Brendon thinks to himself. It doesn’t matter if you’re a bottom feeder like plankton, someone who only swims to the very top, or someone who soars in the sky—you’ll be talked about.

 **Brendon Urie** : Thought you could use a friend.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Josh is my friend. I don’t need anyone else.

                Ryan quite possibly might have a crush on his boss, and it terrified Brendon. Ryan already seems fragile enough to begin with, and he doesn’t think that he can handle a rejection. And he knows that working at the bookstore is probably the only income Ryan is taking in.

 **Brendon Urie** : Josh is your boss—not your friend. There’s a huge difference

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : And you know how? You haven’t worked a day in your life. Your parents pay for everything, probably even your entire Yale tuition.

                Brendon grinds his teeth together in frustration. Ryan—of course—doesn’t know that things aren’t always brighter on the other side. He doesn’t know that Brent left. He doesn’t know that Brendon is always under a magnifying glass that is constantly burning him. Brendon may have lived a life full of toys, instruments, video games, and everything that he wanted, but there are some things that not even money or a Yale education can heal.

 **Brendon Urie** : I don’t really want to go.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : You would turn down a full ride to college? If my parents were paying for me to college, and I wouldn’t have to do anything, I would take it.

 **Brendon Urie** : But what if you were going to be miserable in your life if you went?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Try being miserable because you know that you _aren’t_ going and you’ll be living a 9-5 office job for the rest of your life.

 **Brendon Urie** : Do your parents not want you to go? There’s ways to pay for college, Ryan

                He’s been in the office far too many times to not remember the students coming of the guidance office with scholarship letters, and essay topics for scholarships. Knowing Ryan’s speech in English class, he knows that he would nail every essay.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : You wouldn’t understand with your perfect family, and status quo perfect life.

 **Brendon Urie** : You think that the grass is always greener on the other side? That’s not always true

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Certainly seems like it in this case

                Brendon bites at the side of his tongue and he fumes silently as his fingers pound on the keys. He needs to make a fucking point that things aren’t always better. They may seem better, but they aren’t. Everyone’s lives have their own problems.

 **Brendon Urie** : My older brother—Brent—left for Maryland two years ago, and I haven’t heard anything from him. My parents pretend like he never existed. I don’t know where he is, and that terrifies me. He could be dead for all I know. I know that your life is shit, but you aren’t the only one.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Do you know what it’s like to starve? To go to school and be hungry, and want to eat, but you can’t afford it because all of your money went to making sure that your lights aren’t turned off? Do you know what it’s like to go without food for days? You don’t.

                Brendon bitterly laughs out loud. They’re exchanging how bad their lives are. It’s a competition at this point, and this isn’t what he wanted. He wanted to be getting to know Ryan instead of this.

 **Brendon Urie** : Did you eat today? You aren’t you when you’re hungry

                Ever since he was little, his parents had called him witty, who had an irresistible charm. And Brendon was using it more than ever.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Is that a Snickers tagline?

 **Brendon Urie** : If it was would that change anything?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Why do you even care? Making sure that I ate enough so that I have enough energy to fuck you later in the bathroom?

                Brendon bristles and is taken a back. Yes, he may have attacked Ryan, but he didn’t think that he was that horrible in the bathroom. He had to act a certain way at school, everyone knew that. He had to act like he didn’t give a shit.

 **Brendon Urie** : I care because I’m hungry and I haven’t eaten yet.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : And that has to do with me how?

                He wasn’t quite sure why he was even inviting Ryan. Maybe he wanted the company, or wanted to feel like he was helping someone who needed help. He liked to think of himself as being generous.

 **Brendon Urie** : I’m in the mood for fast food, are you?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : If I said yes what would happen?

                Brendon lets out a small squeak of victory as he knows that he’s wearing Ryan down. He’ll say yes soon enough, but he can’t seem creepy. He has to come up with a reason on why he’s inviting Ryan. There’s—his homework.

 **Brendon Urie** : I would pick you up, and we would go to Burger King and get something to eat. I still need that copy of The Great Gatsby for our homework

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : You can’t possibly read the entire book in one night.

                Brendon bites at a small smile that’s creeping across his lips.

 **Brendon Urie** : Is that a yes?

                Please say yes, Brendon thinks to himself as he stares at the chat box. His eyes remain glued to the _George Ryan Ross is typing_ phrase that appears on his screen.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Won’t your parents get mad that you aren’t joining them for dinner?

 **Brendon Urie** : You’re kidding right? The last time my parents and I ate dinner was before my brother left Plus they’re at some fancy dinner party thing They won’t care

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I can’t pay you back or anything.

                Brendon didn’t even think about money and who would pay. To be honest, he’s never worried about money. It was always just _there_ to be spent. He couldn’t imagine having to worry about every single dollar and where it’s going.

 **Brendon Urie** : Is money all you think about?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : For a majority of my life—yes.

                His heart drops and he lets out a small sigh. He should console Ryan somehow, but he’s not quite sure how to. He knows nothing about him.

 **Brendon Urie** : Listen—

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Kind of hard when we’re typing.

                _Oh, so he’s witty,_ Brendon thinks to himself as a small chuckle escapes from his mouth.

 **Brendon Urie** : What a smartass.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I am acing a majority of my classes except for photography. Me and art don’t mix.

 **Brendon Urie** : I may be rich, but you’re rich in smarts.

                Was that a compliment?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : If I didn’t know any better I would think that was a compliment, Urie.

 **Brendon Urie** : It was a simply ploy for you to come to Burger King so I can get my homework.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I see.

 **Brendon Urie** : So are you coming or not?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Sure.

                Brendon likes to think that he didn’t squeal with excitement, but he totally did.

 **Brendon Urie** : I’m glad that you got your stick out of your ass and finally let me in.

 **Ryan Ross** : Finally? You just met me today.

 **Brendon Urie** : Finally can mean a lot of things

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I’m the one who is acing English. I know what finally means, and it means after a long period of time. And us meeting today which isn’t a long period of time.                

 **Brendon Urie** : Finally can mean a lot of things.

                Obviously Brendon trying to be poetic, and cryptic isn’t working for him. He likes to think that he’s smart in the subjects that he likes. Trying to be poetic and metaphors isn’t one of them.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I’m going to eat dinner with you at Burger King. I’m not letting you in. It’s completely different.

 **Brendon Urie** : If you say so, Mr. Ross.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : Oh fuck off

 **Brendon Urie** : :P So what’s your address?

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : 1500 Vegas Dr.

                Shit, Brendon thinks to himself. He should have known that Ryan wouldn’t be living in the safest neighbors in Nevada, but he didn’t think he was living _there_. On the news—that Brendon doesn’t really watch all that often—every other report was about Vegas Drive. Another person was shot and killed, another robbery, a dead body was found in their river. Crime was awful where Ryan lived.

 **Brendon Urie** : Shit. I’m coming to get you right now

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : It really isn’t that bad of a place as long as you don’t wear any of value, have your wallet on you, or go outside at all.

 **Brendon Urie** : I’m scared for my life now.

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : I thought that the big bad Brendon wasn’t scared of anything?

 **Brendon Urie** : You are so going to pay for that when I get there

 **George** **Ryan Ross** : You would actually have to get off Facebook and come to get me in order for that to happen

 **Brendon Urie** : See you in 10. Here’s hoping I don’t get stabbed


	7. Daisy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooooooooo, I bet you've thought that I died. I haven't. I've just been extremely busy with my job, especially with the holidays coming up and all. But, I've decided to upload this for you as a Christmas gift. Mainly because I've noticed all of your comments, and each one has honestly made me smile. I've always loved writing but I've never very confident about my writing. Seeing your comments has made me feel a lot more confident. So, thank you for that, and without further ado, let's get started on an extended chapter of Firewall. Hopefully I'll be uploading a lot more. 
> 
> P.S. If anyone wants to be my beta, please let me know. This chapter you''ll read, completely unedited. So wish us luck.

                Brendon knew he was right about Ryan being dirt poor as soon as he saw his house. The lawn was ungroomed and had beer bottles strewn through it as if God had sent them down himself. He double-parks, and fiddles with his keys, trying to decide if he should honk or knock. Knocking on the door is something he did when he picked up Sarah for a date, but honking would seem rude.

                He decided to honk. As soon as he honks Ryan quickly barrels out of the house, almost tripping in the process. Brendon can’t help but chuckle to himself as he watches Ryan walk-run to his car. Brendon pushes open the door, and smiles at Ryan.

                “Are you sure that you aren’t failing gym too?” Brendon says with a cock of his eyebrow.

                Ryan huffs, and slides into the passenger seat. He closes the door with a slam, and deposits his backpack onto the floor in front of him.

                “Bad day at work?” Brendon questions him, as he pulls the car out of the park, and presses on the gas. He knows that he shouldn’t push Ryan, but he can’t help it.

                “Well” Ryan begins as he roots through his bag. “I had a privileged asshole who came into the only place where I felt safe and destroyed it. Before that, that _same_ asshole decided to corner me in the bathroom and stick his tongue down my throat.” He finishes and retrieves a dog eared copy of The Great Gatsby and throws it onto Brendon’s lap.

                Brendon keeps his eyes on the road, and remains his cool “He sounds like an asshole who I wouldn’t associate with.”

                Ryan leans back in the seat and slides on his seatbelt, “I’m surprised that you haven’t heard of him. You seem like you could be twins.”

                Brendon sighs, and stops at a red light. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel, “Listen, I’m sorry for what happened in the bathroom an—“

                “Whatever. I’m just here because I’m hungry and that’s it,” Ryan quickly cuts him off with annoyance, “I don’t need your half-assed apology.”

                “You’re much nicer online,” Brendon mumbles and fumbles around with the radio.

                “I could say the same for you, Urie,” Ryan growls and stares out of the window. If he had to deal with Brendon Urie, the least Brendon could do was shut up. He agreed to go eat with him, but he didn’t agree to actually open his mouth.

                “So,” Brendon says, eager to break the silence as he once again presses on the gas, “you like The Beatles?”

                “Did you steal my iPod when you attacked me in the bathroom?” Ryan asks and props his chin up on his elbow, refusing to look at the boy in the driver’s seat.

                Brendon coughs politely, and keeps his eyes on the road, “Your shirt.”

                “Huh?” His eyes drift down to his own bony chest and he instantly blushes as The Beatles stare up at him. He must have forgotten to change before he left.

                Brendon chuckles, “Personally I like bands that are still living, but that’s just me.”

                “Music nowadays sucks.”

                Brendon rolls his eyes, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “You sound like you’re 80 with that ‘nowadays’ talk.”

                “How do you know that I’m not eighty? I could have a rare disease where my brain is older than what my body looks like?” Ryan says boredly his eyes quickly going back to the window.

                “Or you could be a vampire—you’re pale enough for it at least.”

                “If I was a vampire I would have already bitten you in the bathroom,” Ryan says with a roll of his eyes. He wasn’t going to let what happened in the bathroom go to the back of his mind. He was pissed that Brendon had taken advantage of him, but he was more pissed that he had enjoyed it.

                “What happened in the bathroom meant nothing, and we both know that,” Brendon says as he turns into the parking lot of the Burger King, “now would you just shut the fuck up about it?”

                “So you randomly make-out with guys in bathrooms at school for the hell of it?” Ryan draws.

                Ryan knew. Somehow he knew and it scared Brendon shitless. He couldn’t have his secret getting out.

                “The teenage years are hell. You and I both know that. My hormones are all wacked and I haven’t gotten laid in a month,” he pulls into a parking spot and picks up The Great Gatsby. He runs his thumb along the pages, “Making out with me will be the highlight of their life.”

                “You do know that the whole world doesn’t revolve around you, right? There’s loads of shit that people go through every day and making their day life by making them swear to silence makes their day even shittier. You don’t know who they are. You don’t know if they’ve been raped in the past and you made them have a panic attack after you were done with them. You assume that they would just _love_ to get into your pants, but not every boy is gay like you are,” Ryan spits out, venom oozing from every word, as his eyes stayed fixed on a grey 2001 Toyota Corolla parked next to him.

                Brendon had not thought about this. He didn’t think about the lasting damage that he might have caused people in the future. He never thought that those boys may be questioning themselves, and were scared that they may run into him into the hallways—or worse the bathrooms— at school. And maybe that made him selfish, but he never thought about it. He just assumed that they would get over it, and considered themselves lucky that someone like Brendon Urie was even interested in them.

                He was always raised like he was God’s gift to humanity and assumed that everyone thought the same. Obviously he was wrong.

                “I’m not gay, Ryan,” Brendon mumbles to himself.

                Ryan whips his head around to face Brendon, “Once again all you can care about yourself is yourself. You’re like—,” he grabs The Great Gatsby from Brendon’s lap and waves it in his face, “you’re like fucking Daisy. All you care about is yourself and nobody else.”

                “I offered to pay for your dinner.”

                Ryan throws his hands up, with a huff, “And I should totally be grateful for that, right? The rich boy is helping the poor boy out! How amazing! How outstanding! And—“

                Brendon instantly lunges across the console and bites onto Ryan’s collarbone. Ryan lets out a high pitched squeak. Brendon runs his lips slowly up towards Ryan’s Adam apple, and a moan escapes from Ryan’s lips. This is the reason why Brendon got tinted windows.

                “I thought you,” Ryan takes in another ragged breathe, “weren’t gay.”

                “Oh fuck off, Ryan,” Brendon breathes into Ryan’s skin, as he slides his hands down Ryan’s dirty Beatles shirt, “you should really get this washed.”

                Ryan immediately pulls back from Brendon, and pushes him away, “Fuck off, Brendon! You’re still the same self-centered asshole who believes that he’s hot shit! You can’t just kiss me and try to shut me up! I’m not one of the guys you try—you might have even already fucked guys—to fuck in the bathroom! Unlike them, I do have feelings!”

                To Ryan, it seems stupid to tell Brendon how he’s feeling. He’s not supposed to have ‘feelings’ is what his father has always taught him. Man up, and don’t cry. Get over it. Be strong for the family. When a bully beats up at school—Ryan has had happened—you hit back harder no matter what. And when you have to give away a beloved family dog, you don’t cry.

                Brendon chuckles sadly, and shakes his head while staring down at his hands, “Why don’t you want me? You’re the only fucking guy—or girl—who doesn’t want me. Why is that?”

                Ryan puffs out air like a bull would, and pinches the bridge of his nose, “There you go again. Still thinking about yourself. You just can’t stop can you, Brendon?”

                It wasn’t that he couldn’t, he just didn’t know how to switch off from school Brendon, and parents Brendon. In fact, he didn’t really know who he was when not surrounded by people who expected things from him. His parents expected him to be perfect—clean cut, and follow every rule that they set forward. And the school Brendon was completely different. He was the stud of the school, and expected not to give a shit about everyone else but himself.

                Ryan didn’t seem to understand that. His entire life was spent caring about others, and never himself so he didn’t understand how Brendon can just think about himself all of the time, when he could help so many more people with what he was gifted with.

                Brendon sighs and stares down at his shoes—bright red converses which his parents had always rode him about—as he tries to avoid Ryan’s eye contact. He didn’t know how to word his words now. He was never good with speech, and being next to Ryan in this car made him feel even worse. But he had to at least try. He didn’t want Ryan thinking that he was a _complete_ asshole.

                Brendon wets his lips, “My—“

                “You’re still talking about yourself”

                “Shut the fuck up, Ryan. This is the reason why you’re the loner in class,” Brendon quickly spits out, visibly annoyed. He just now realized that the reason why Ryan didn’t have any friends was because he was judgmental. And he doesn’t even he feel like he needs to explain himself to him.

                “That’s rich, Brendon. Coming from the guy who is hiding himself away from the world in dirty bathroom stalls, and secrets that will come out soon enough,” Ryan says crudely and pushes his door open, “I don’t need to sit here with an asshole who can’t stop talking about himself.”

                “And I don’t need to sit here with a judgmental prick who can’t seem to look past whatever image he sees,” Brendon says with a sneer.

                Ryan slams his door shut angrily, and faces Brendon, “I’m not judgmental. I know people like you. I’ve grown up with people like you. The world is given to you, and you never have to work for it. You don’t have to worry about if you’re going to be able to afford to wash your clothes that week, or if you’re going to bed hungry. I’m not being judgmental when I already know you.”

                Brendon grits his teeth, “You work at a motherfucking bookstore, and you can’t seem to look past the book cover that people display. You only see what I—and other people—let you see. There’s a lot that people hide, and you can’t judge them on what you only see.”

                “But—“

                “It’s not fair, Ryan. If you looked at yourself in the mirror, you would probably see someone who is dealing with a lot, but that’s not just you, is it? There’s more to you than just that.”

                “I want to go to Berklee, and I don’t know how to tell my parents about it, because we can’t afford college tuition, and I don’t even know if I’m good enough for their program. Berklee is also really far as well—2,718 miles to be exact—and I don’t think my parents would be okay with that,” Ryan instantly spills out, and instantly regrets it.

Blockthewallx iis the only one who knows everything about his college woes, and he only wanted him to know. Having their parents not approve for their choices in colleges was something that bonded them together. And he didn’t want that bond broken for _Brendon Urie_.

“Why do you want to go to Berklee? Are you a singer? Songwriter? I can see you as a songwriter. You’ve got that appearance.”

Ryan cocks his eyebrow, “What exact appearance does have a song writer have?”

Brendon shrugs his shoulders, “You know, you don’t really care about anything. Looks like you haven’t showered in a while. Dirty clothes”

“So, any poor person could possibly be a song writer then”

Brendon chuckles and shakes his head, “I knew that you were smart, Ryan Ross”

                And somehow, the situation turned into laughter, as they walked into Burger King, and ordered their meals.

                 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “I’m still not sure,” Brendon says as he dips a French fry into a cup of ketchup, “on why you have an obsession with The Great Gatsby. You work in a fucking bookstore and yet you choose to fixate on one book,” he finishes and then pops the french fry into his mouth.

                Ryan moves his straw around in his chocolate milkshake—Brendon had insisted that he order it—and shrugs his shoulders, “The book is a safe place to go. Reading lets me escape reality for a little while, and The Great Gatsby’s world is where I want to be.”

                Brendon nods slowly as he chews on his fry. He never understood the appeal of reading. Why read when you can live in the real world? The real world is so much better. At least sometimes.

                “The last book I read was,” Brendon pauses, “Romeo and Juliet.”

                Ryan looks up at Brendon and rolls his eyes, “Of course you would read Romeo and Juliet, which is about two teenagers who killed themselves for ‘love.’”

                “You talk about love like it’s a dirty word,” Brendon remarks and then bites at the side of his cheek. He had assumed that Ryan loved love. Hell, at their own high school someone—Spencer is that someone but Brendon likes to ignore this fact—dressed up Saint Valentine and shot pretend bows at people. He was in a cloth diaper. Brendon still can’t get the image out of his head.

                Ryan shrugs his shoulders and then darts his eyes back down to his chocolate shake, “Love isn’t supposed to be pretty like Shakespeare described it. It’s supposed to take a shitload of work to not fail in the relationship.”

                He didn’t know shit about relationships, but based on the relationship that his parents had, he knew that relationships weren’t meant to be all happy. They were hard work, and a majority of the time it would never work out no matter how much you worked at it.

                “You don’t look on the bright side of things, do you?” Brendon taps his fingers on the table—he hopes that someone has cleaned it recently—and cocks his head to the side.

                “Looking on the bright side just ruins everything. I—People get their hopes up for something and everything falls apart before your eyes. I can’t set my hopes too high. It’s a bad luck charm for me,” Ryan says emotionlessly as he stares down at the now melting chocolate shake.

                He knows that he shouldn’t be opening up to someone like Brendon, but his walls are full of phrases, and there’s no other way to keep him from the nightmares. Brendon Urie will have to be his replacement wall.

                “Did you just quote a lyric from Demi Lovato, and should I be scared or surprised that a music enlist likes pop music?” Brendon says with a cock of his eyebrow.

                He was always great at changing the subject when he knew that people needed time to compose themselves, and it was easy to see that Ryan was struggling. He had the weight of the Earth on his shoulders, and you could tell. His eyes looked bloodshot like he hasn’t slept in weeks, and his hair looked greasier than the burgers that they just digested. But luckily for Ryan, it just made him more interesting to Brendon.

                Ryan’s eyes quickly flash up to Brendon’s, and he scoffs, “I am not a music enlist. I like The Beatles, how does that make me a music enlist?”

                Brendon’s shoulders shrug, as if they are moving on their own, “You didn’t touch the radio in the car, which means that you probably like your own iPod more than the radio itself. You’re also avoiding the question on whether or not you like Demi Lovato, and if you just quoted a song of hers. Music enlists are afraid to admit what music are their guilty pleasures.” He finishes, and then sips on his soda—Dr. Pepper reminded him of Brent so he chose that kind.

                “I don’t lik—hey how do you know if I quoted a song of hers or not? Is the big bad Brendon Urie a pop queen? I never would have guessed,” Ryan purses his lips, a small smile attempting to break through. It wasn’t easy to admit to himself, but he was having fun trying to break Brendon down. He was a puzzle that he was determined to solve.

                Brendon gives Ryan a mischievous smile, “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Ryan. I’m not as big of a jerk as you think I might be. I don’t kick puppies, but I’m not fond of them”

                Ryan shakes his head, “You just haven’t been around them for long enough. I used to have to have a dog—Rex—he was the greatest dog you could ever ask for.”

                “You talk about him in a past tense—what happened to him?” Brendon urged his brain to mutter something that sounded somewhat smart.

                Ryan shrugs his shoulders and stares down at the melting mess of the chocolate shake, “I couldn’t keep him. We couldn’t afford him anymore. When my dad got fired everything changed.” When Ryan talked—out loud—it was harder for him to seem smart which was why he wrote instead. Words were his passion, but only on paper, or in his case—walls.

                “My parents aren’t fond of things that require them to clean up after it,” Brendon says with a bitter laugh.

                “They must have hated you then.”

                Brendon shrugs his shoulders, “I had nannies for most of my life, and we still have a maid who cleans the house every now and again. Since I’ve gotten older though, my parents have been trying to get closer with me. It was around the same time that Brent left—got kicked out—so maybe that was why they were suddenly trying to be parents”

                Brendon had tried to rationalize that it wasn't because Brent had left, but he knew better. They had wanted to make sure he was going to attend Yale and continue their family tradition. They wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t end up like Brent.

                Ryan knew that Brendon didn’t want to talk about Brent, or his parents, so the best thing to do was talk about himself, which wasn’t easy for him. His life was dull compared to the life of his songs. Ryan wished that he could lie and make himself seem more interesting, but his creative side was only used for songs and walls, not his own life.

                “Before my mom worked at the hospital as a receptionist she worked as a housekeeper. She would always come home and gossip with me and my Dad about the families she worked for,” Ryan says with a small smile peeking through his thin lips. He wishes that he could go back to that time.

                “Was that before or after you started working with Josh?” Brendon asks, grateful to have the attention off of himself. He constantly had to be the center of attention at school, and with his parents, and he didn’t want to have that happen with Ryan.

                Ryan shrugs his shoulders robotically, “Before.”

                Brendon nods his head thoughtfully, “So how did you start working with Josh?”

                “He got tired of me reading the books, and breaking in to curl up in one of the chairs. One of those days I brought us danishes that I swiped from the teacher’s office.”

                Brendon gasps sarcastically, “Ryan Ross, the rebel, I would have never guessed.”

                Ryan rolls his eyes, “I’m more than just books, and The Beatles, Brendon”

                “Oh yeah?” Brendon asks and then dips another French fry into his cup of ketchup, “Are you a huge fan of The Beach Boys too?”

                “The Beatles and The Beach Boys are two totally different bands that you shouldn’t even consider putting in the same sentence, neither the less _actually_ putting them in the same sentence,” Ryan immediately responds back without hesitation. Okay, so, maybe he is a music elitist.

                Brendon chews his French fry and swallows loudly, “My iPod must look like trash compared to yours. Hell, your iPod could be in a museum for most obsessed Beatles fan”

                “You haven’t _seen_ how my Dad’s room used to be. I got into The Beatles because of him,” Ryan states, as his minds started to wander off to that old grey carpet, “we laid out on our old carpet and just listened to Abbey Road, and The Yellow Submarine for an entire day. He took the day off—it was summer—and he taught me about every band member and how John Lennon was shot. He was a much bigger fan than I am right now.”

                Brendon nods, “Reminds me my obsession with Fall Out Boy—you might have not heard of them in your Beatles world—Brent was a huge fan, and introduced me to them. He came home from Tower Records—they were still around then—one day and was talking about this weird band named Fall Out Boy. God—,” Brendon takes a break and shakes his head, “Things were so different back then.”

                Ryan knows that it’s not okay to ask Brendon about Brent, but he can’t help but want to know. The only information that he knows is from what Brendon told him via Facebook, and that wasn’t much to go on. He only knows that Brent left for Maryland a few years ago, and that’s it. Well, also that it’s like Brent has ceased to exist. He knows what that is like.

                On the very rare chances that Ryan and his mother are in the same room—Christmas and family holidays, excluding Ryan’s birthday—they pretend as if his father doesn’t have a problem. There’s no, we should get him some help, or when is he going to get better? They’ve gone accustomed their life, and maybe Brendon’s parents have too.

                “Have you heard from Brent at all? A postcard? Email?” Ryan dips his toes into the water by carefully asking Brendon. Along with his gift of writing, he’s gifted with the ability to calm others around him. His father has an invincible gene.

                Brendon doesn’t want to share his memories of Brent, and the few things that he has left of him, but he knows that Ryan could use it. He could use a friend.

                “He sent a few postcards—Ocean City mostly—the first year, and a few pictures of himself. I remember having to smuggle it back to my room before any of my parents could see what I was doing. Probably thought I ordered some Playboy,” Ryan’s snort interrupts Brendon’s words, and Brendon glares at Ryan.  

                Ryan throws his palms up into the air, “What? I can’t see you smuggling in Playboy magazines. You’re a much more open guy, hell you would bring them to school and wave them under the noses of all of the guys at school”

                Brendon rolls his eyes, “Most of the pictures he took were with an old black and white camera that our father gave to him for his birthday—he got kicked out a few days after his birthday—and it was our grandfather's, at least according to our father it was. My father spent a day—very much like you and your father did with The Beatles—showing Brent how to develop his film, load his film, and print his photos.”

                “So I guess our fathers are a lot alike. Well, except for that fact that my father is poor and an alcoholic, and your father is just plain rich”

                “Don’t forget that my father is homophobic, and careerphobic as well,” Brendon comments and then twirls a piece of French fry between his fingers, as if they were replacement drumsticks. When he was twelve he had guilted his parents into buying him a drumset. They had agreed because they had thought that it would calm his ADD, but it hadn’t. If anything it just made him more manic.

                “Careerphobic sounds like a sexually transited disease—what the fuck is it?” Ryan pulls the straw out of his chocolate milkshake and points it at Brendon, “Your Dad doesn’t have cancer or anything does he? Because I would feel like shit if he did.”

                Brendon rolls his eyes again—sometimes he wonders if his eyes will get stuck like that—,”No, Ryan. My father doesn’t have cancer, but sometimes I wish that he did.”

                “Oh my god, you’re horrible! How am I friends with someone as horrible as you?”

                Brendon leans across the table, “Did you just say _friends_ and should I check to see if you have a fever or have suddenly contracted a deadly disease?”

                Ryan rolls his eyes—maybe he’s picking up Brendon’s habits now—, “You’re so freaking corny for someone who supposedly runs the school with an iron fist”

                “And who knew that bookworm and silent Ryan Ross could actually speak?” Brendon says with a small smile twinging on the side of his mouth. They were an odd couple to say the least, and Brendon knew that anyone—his parents (he wouldn’t be surprised if they installed a GPS on his phone) or someone from school—could come barging into Burger King at any second. Then he would be forced to excuse what happened with Ryan. He would have to be the bad guy again.

                “So, what exactly is ‘careerphobic’, and should I be afraid that I’m going to catch it?” Ryan cocks one of his eyebrows in what he hoped what was attractive.

                “Trust me, you can’t _catch_ careerphobic—the fear of a loved one failing at a career. So, my parents are trying to usher me into being a lawyer for that reason,” Brendon explains, and then nibbles on a French fry to keep his mouth busy. Careerphobia—a funny phrase that Brendon had come up—wasn’t the only reason why his parents were doing this.

                Ryan nods, “Sounds like my parents. My mother and father met at College of Southern Nevada when he was studying to be a musician. My mother was an English major, but minoring in music. My mom told me that my grandmother—she passed away a few years after I was born—wanted her to pursue writing. My father dropped out, but my mother continued college. Her skills haven’t really helped us now though,” Ryan ends bitterly.

                “I see that you must have gotten your bookwormish from your mother then”

                “And the reclusive and drinking side from my wonderful father—I kid. I don’t drink,” Ryan splays his fingers out on the table, “So, you were talking about Brent?” Ryan wants to know more, and Brendon wants to give more.

                “Yeah—so I guess it’s nice to see that he’s still holding onto us—or rather me—after they kicked him out. He still remembers me,” Brendon’s voice breaks, but he quickly regains it with a cough, “He seems to be a good enough environment to develop those photos anyways.”

                Ryan resists to urge to do something—show some kind of compassion, so he settles on just continuing the conversation instead, “Have you gotten anything recently?”

                Brendon shakes his head slowly, “Nope. Nothing. Zero. I shouldn’t have expected him to remember me after a while, but I’m scared that something happened to him. He could be homeless for all I know.”

                “Did you try searching up the addresses on google and see if there were phone numbers attached to them? You could call them and see if they’ve seen Brent around,” Ryan suggests.

                “There were no addresses on the postcards. Only his name.”

                Ryan shakes his head slowly, “How could he not have a phone number? That’s impossible. Hell, I have a cell phone and I’m still stuck in the 60’s with John Lennon.” Brendon’s face breaks into a slight smile, and Ryan instantly feels lighter.

                “Better be careful, Ry. Back in 60’s they took lots of acid,” Brendon’s voice is light and airy.

                “Oh my god! You’re totally right! There’s bugs crawling out of your eyes right now!”

                Brendon rolls his eyes, “Shut up and drink your chocolate shake, Beatles Boy”

                Later that night, both boys do something different in their nightly routines. They don’t check for messages from their online friends, Brendon doesn’t look at his phone, and Ryan doesn’t have any nigntmares. 


	8. The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mistakes were made.

By the time that Sunday had rolled around, Ryan had effectively forgotten around Brendon and their Burger King meet up. Worrying about school projects, his online friend, his father, and restocking the bookstore had easily taken up most of this time. And he was more than happy to comply. Brendon is a complication, a distraction that he doesn’t want to deal with, even if their Burger King date—meet up was one of the best days that Ryan has had in a while. 

But, by the time that Ryan walks into the bookstore that afternoon that distraction was right in front of him, running his long and slender fingers down the spines of the book that he loves. He desperately doesn’t want to deal with this. He shouldn’t HAVE to, at least until tomorrow, when school starts again for the next week. 

And normally, he wouldn’t have to deal with this. Almost all of his classmates go to Barnes and Noble, or they order their books on Amazon and have them delivered to their houses. Yet, here was Brendon fucking Urie messing up his plans. 

“You know, we have the Children’s section in the back,” Ryan cooly stated, “I think those books would be more your speed.” 

Brendon simply rolls his eyes, and continues to run his fingers down the spines of the books, “I read The Great Gatsby over the weekend—I get why you’re obsessed. It’s a great book. A little clichéd at certain points, with Daisy and Gatsby, but I did like it.” 

Ryan’s ears immediately perk up, and his voice slightly squeaks. “You actually liked it? I talk to Josh about it, and he doesn’t like it, yet he works in a fucking bookstore.” Why is Ryan excited? He should be mad at Brendon for messing up his plans for the future, and for attacking him in the bathroom. 

Brendon laughs, and then turns around to face Ryan, a small wrapped package peeking out of his messenger bag. “I liked it so much, I bought this for you,” he states while pulling the package out of his bag. He had spent most of the previous night looking for something that was perfect for Ryan and his unhealthy obsession with that book. Around 2am, he finally found the perfect gift. He just hoped that it wasn’t too formal and weird, considering that they just hang out once. Plus, he knew how much of an asshole he was at school, and in the car. 

“Is this a bribe so that I’ll fuck you in the bathroom at school tomorrow?” Ryan snarls, quickly regaining his composure. Even though their last encounter at Burger King was the happiest he had been in a good amount of time, he couldn’t forget about the past. 

Brendon sadly sighs. “Look, it’s just a gift, and you can return it if you want, get the money back or whatever.” He shrugs his shoulders and finishes, “it’s free of strings” 

“I know that you’re super rich, you don’t need to think of me as your charity case. In fact, I would much rather you not even think about me so that we can continue our lives of avoiding each other,” Ryan snaps out. He knows that he’s being harsh, and that’s normally not who he is. But he knows that this is for the best, for both of them. 

Brendon winces, and he knows that he deserves it. He’s been a shit friend—no, person. But he’s been bred on being a spoiled brat who gets everything, and whoever he wants. And if that person doesn’t want him back, he makes it his mission to force them to. It’s just taking him time to realize that being that person is not a trait that everyone likes. 

“If that’s what you want, fine,” Brendon nearly whispers as he places the package on the shelf to the left of him. “I guess I’ll see you at school or whatever,” he mumbles out and quickly walks out of the store, the bell on the door slamming against glass. 

As Brendon walks down the quiet street, he now knows that the gift was a bad idea. Even him showing up at the book store was probably a bad idea. Maybe he should have left it at his locker instead, or mailed it to him. But he knows that leaving it at his locker was risky—and he shouldn’t have to worry about if someone saw him doing it—and mailing it would make Ryan’s family question why he got a package. Either way, Brendon knew he was screwed. 

And he knew that no matter what, he couldn’t stop thinking about his friend with the shitty life. He desperately wanted to run back into the bookstore, and reenact one of those shitty chick flicks that Sarah would force him to watch. Or he hoped that Ryan would do the opposite, and suddenly forgive him and they could leave happily ever after, but this was real life and real life wasn’t like a movie. Real life couldn’t be wrapped up a tiny little bow just because he wanted it to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK. It's a full year and I'm back. A lot has changed, but I'm back and hopefully I'm staying for real this time. I've actually tried another story, but I always come back to this little story with Brendon and Ryan. It might have some messy points, but I still love it. It's going to take me some time to get caught up, and I'm sorry for a short chapter, like I always do. But once again, I'm without a beta/editor. Hopefully you haven't forgotten that this little fic existed, and I hope that I'll give you hope that your favorite fic writer (I highly doubt that I'm one of your favorites, I think that my writing is kinda shit, but it helps me) will update your favorite fic eventually! Look at FL! She has updated. Anyways, hopefully you enjoy this chapter! I'm writing another one as I type this. Don't know which day I'll hopefully update. Just check back here whenever you want to.


	9. First Edition

* * *

“Will you be needing any instance in killing Brendon Urie? Because I know a few guys, and they could easily make it look like an accident,” Josh suggested jokingly after Ryan explained what happened. 

 “Josh, I don’t want him dead. I just want him dead to me. I don’t want to have to deal with his shit anymore. Much rather have us go back to pretending that we never existed.” And it was true. Brendon had his place in the world, and Ryan had his. Ryan didn’t want Brendon’s world and his life in his. He was perfectly fine being a loner, with Josh and books as his only friends. Well, that and his online friend, who he has been neglecting because of the issues with Brendon. 

But at least Ryan had gotten around to telling Josh the full truth about what happened with Brendon in the bathroom and why even though he’s an asshole Ryan can’t stop thinking about him. Josh was Josh and wasn’t bothered, even encouraged Ryan, and wondered why he didn’t tell him beforehand. 

 “Well, at least you got your first kiss out of the way with him, right? Don’t need to worry about messing it up with a future guy because you know now how not to kiss,” Josh said and shrugged his shoulders. “When I was in my relationship with Debby everything was messy and we had no idea what we were doing. For our first date I remember taking her to Dairy Queen in the middle of winter, and then realizing that DQ was closed because it was winter. Luckily, Debby liked that I was a little bit clueless, and we decided to go to Fatburger instead, because it was close by. At the end of the night I wasn’t sure if she actually liked me or not, and when she tried to kiss me, we ended up knocking our heads together. So—yeah—at least you don’t have to worry about that.” 

 Josh finished his rambling as he picked up the present on the shelf. “So, what do you want to do with this, then?” 

 “You could keep it, I don’t want it, and I don’t want the money that I could sell it for either,” Ryan states as he flips through a trashy gossip magazine. “Did you want to know how much of a basic white girl you are? Because I could tell you based on this quiz.” 

 “You should sell it, Ry. You could use the money to buy a computer that doesn’t still run on fucking Windows XP. Or maybe clothes—probably clothes,” Josh commented as he pulls open the wrapping. “Shit Ry, I think I want Brendon to be my sugar daddy, or fuck buddy, or something.” 

 Ryan rolls his eyes, knowing who Brendon was, he probably got him something extremely crude, and something too expensive. “So what exactly did rich boy get? And should I be scared?” 

 “Ry—it’s a first edition of The Great Gatsby, and it’s signed by Fitzgerald. It’s got to be worth—“ before Josh can finish his sentence, Ryan has already grabbed the book out of Josh’s hands, and is flipping through the pages. 

 “He has got to be fucking kidding me, this is worth more than my mom makes every month,” Ryan nearly whispers. He continues to flip through the pages, eventually stumbling upon a white index notecard that is scribbled on. Ryan squints his eyes as he reads off what’s on the notecard: “sorry for being a dick. i was raised that way, but it doesn’t excuse for everything i hope that we can at least be friends. P.S. i promise to stop making out with you whenever we meet up P.S.S daisy is kind of a tramp isn’t she P.P.S.S i do actually like the beatles shirt P.P.S.S. text me if you want.” 

 “Either you fuck him, or I will,” Josh says while laughing, “because I never gave something that expensive to Debby even when it was our second year anniversary, and you just met this guy.” 

 As Ryan flipped over the book, he knew two things--that he was screwed, and that he desperately needed to talk to his online friend. He would know what to do, and how to make the best out of this situation. Because he certainly didn’t know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back again! Thanks goes to my amazing editor, Dani! You rock!  
> It's a very short chapter this time, but I promise I'll be updating again sooner than you can say Pretty. Odd.  
> There's 35 chapters total, and if you really like the story, I might end up making a bonus/deleted chapter.  
> Also, thanks for the kudos/bookmarks! It's nice to know that people were actually waiting for this to come back!  
> Hope you enjoy!


	10. Advice

           Brendon quickly types out a message to his online friend, when noticing that his friend hasn’t been online in a while, and also wanting to vent about what just happened with Ryan. Well, he could tell his friend the shortened, less dirty version. Once again, his friend finding out what really happens in the bathrooms at his school was a bad thing.   

**Blockthewallx** : so I had an awful day and i hope that you come online soon because I could really talk to someone right now.

           He spins around in his black desk chair hoping that he would get online soon before he did something reckless like message Ryan on FaceBook, or stalk his posts again. And hey—it isn’t a little weird that Brendon just met Ryan a few days ago and he isn’t getting him gifts. Or maybe he thinks that the only way to keep friends is to buy him. After all, that’s sort of how he met Spencer for the first time.

           Spencer was in a designer store—like always—and his credit card got declined, and Brendon felt bad for him at the time. So he stepped in and paid the bill because he knew that it would annoy his parents and also would possibly gain him another friend. It did, and Spencer did end up paying him back eventually, which Brendon did not accept. He thinks that that’s maybe why Spencer allows him to get through some of the shit that he does. Cherub boy is afraid that he’ll tell the school what happened at Calvin Klein and it’ll ruin his reputation, so he lets Brendon do whatever he wants.

           He wasn’t always like this though. Brendon was a pretty mild child, who didn’t cause that much chaos. In fact, he would normally give back to the children in his class, from stealing snacks from his cabinets and sneaking them to school, or always making sure to give money to the homeless around his area. But ever since his parents started spending more time out of the house, he’s been more demanding, and wanting everything he can’t have. Maybe because he can’t have his parents, he tries to get every other guy he can instead. But Brendon tends not to dwell on this, and try to explain why he is the way he is. He tried therapy once—not an experience he would like to go through again.

            A beep on his computer alerts him of a FaceBook message and he groans. He could answer it, and probably be annoyed with whoever it was, or he could not answer it and the person would probably question him about it tomorrow. Being one of the most popular people at his high school had it's disadvantages and this was it. He was always constantly needed, or the center of attention, unless he passed it off onto Jon or Spencer, and they loved it. 

            Groaning again, he spins around his chair one more time, and then pulls it up to his desk, quickly opening up FaceBook. But his groan was unwarranted.

**Sarah Orzechowski** : Hey. How are you? Haven’t talked to you in a while and wanted to make sure that Jon and Spencer haven’t driven you completely mad. 

            Brendon quickly types back.

**Brendon Urie** : sorry. been really busy with getting ready for college apps and class and everything how are you how’s college

            Even though Brendon and Sarah were the same exact age, Sarah had gotten a fast pass to college after completing every credit needed to graduate. She was always smarter than him, to which he would always use to his advantage, such as relying on her whenever he didn’t know an answer in class. She would always chide him to read his book, or study, but he never listened, still hasn’t.

**Sarah Orzechowski** : College is good. Really confusing as I’m a freshman and all. Can’t drink yet either which causes a good amount of problems. But I like my classes, and my roommate. She’s studying the same major as me, so we can cry with each other over the amount of classwork we’re given.

**Brendon Urie** : is it that bad? i don’t think i can handle that amount of classwork

**Sarah Orzechowski** : Well, considering that you didn’t do any classwork when I was still in Nevada, it’s _that_ bad. I hope that you’re doing at least some classwork.

            Sarah was studying Design at UCLA, which means that she ended up having to move to California, leaving Brendon, Jon, and Spencer behind. Her moving was hard on Jon, and Spencer, but even worse for Brendon. She was one of the things that kept him grounded, and a little bit less bratty. The day of her flight, he drove her to the airport and had one of those emotional send-offs reserved for parents sending their children off to war.

            But she calmed him, and told him that she would be back soon—Christmas at the latest—and to be on his best behavior. She always was able to do that, calm him down. When Brent left, she was there to help him through every stage of denial, and there was a lot. From him running away from his home to Sarah’s, to him wanting to just run away to Maryland in hopes of finding Brent—she was there. And that’s what he loved about her. 

**Brendon Urie** : i’m doing some classwork. even read a book the other day.

**Sarah Orzechowski** : I’m impressed with you, Boyd. What book did you read and should I be alarmed that you’re going to get smarter than I am?

            Brendon chuckled softly, Sarah was once again being the pseudo sister that he never had.

**Brendon Urie** : the great gatsby and i highly doubt that. but me reading the book was sort of for a guy sort of not for a guy but now i’ve messed up the entire thing by being a spoiled brat

**Sarah Orzechowski** : The Great Gatsby—makes sense that you would like someone who would like that book. You’re quite like Daisy. Spoiled, can’t decide what she wants when she does. Unless they’re spoiled and bratty like you are sometimes?

**Brendon Urie** : he’s the opposite of spoiled and bratty. he can’t afford to live basically because of his father drinking and his mom only working at a hospital

            Needless to say, Sarah is the only person—besides his online friend—who knows that he’s gay. He broke down crying when they tried to have sex for the first time, and he couldn’t have felt shitter when the truth finally came out, because he pulled her along for the ride and she had gotten her feelings hurt in the process. But Sarah was sympathetic, almost too sympathetic and understanding of everything. She even suggested that they faked that they were still together, until she left for college.

**Sarah Orzechowski** : So, let me guess, you pulled another Spencer?

**Brendon Urie** : pretty much. i bought him an old copy of his favorite book and he flipped out on me and told me to never talk to him and forget about talking to him ever

**Sarah Orzechowski** : What do you mean by an old copy? And shouldn’t he feel grateful for you buying him something really nice? Did you say something else that you didn’t mean to say? Or it came out wrong?

**Brendon Urie** : i bought him a first edition of his favorite book and I might have not have told you the whole story on how we met 

**Sarah Orzechowski** : First off, you and I both know that you buying expensive gifts doesn’t always sit well with people. It may have worked with Spencer, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I didn’t like it when you bought me expensive things for my birthday, or our ‘anniversary’. I have a feeling that he probably doesn’t like it either, especially since he isn’t in the best place money wise. He probably thought that money could have been better spent on food, or clothing, or things that really truly matter. And what do you mean by the whole story? Should I be scared? 

             Brendon has never discussed what he started doing when Sarah left for college. And he didn’t really intend on, but he had to now, now that Sarah was going to help with his problems.

**Brendon Urie** : when you left i started doing some… unflattering things in the bathroom with guys. i pick a boy make out with them and maybe fuck them too and make sure that they keep quiet about what happened with gifts and stuff and he was one of the victims and we met up for burger king the other night as me saying sorry and i thought things went well but i guess they didn’t go as well as i thought they did

**Sarah Orzechowski** : Sweet Jesus, I’m surprised that he didn’t throw you through a door. Listen, Bren, things like that don’t heal immediately. They might not ever heal. Yes, it was great that you took him out for food, but he probably assumed that Burger King and the book was a form of payment for keeping his mouth shut. Try being friends with him outside of how rich you are, or how you can buy him things. Friends aren’t normally friends with each other because one of the either has money. It’s because they like each other’s company and want to spend more time together. That’s how you and I were.

             And there was Sarah again, making the most sense that Brendon has heard all day. That’s why he missed her so much. She was his personal advice giver and told him what he needed to hear, not what he wanted to hear, unlike everyone in his life who were always just trying to make him happy.

**Brendon Urie** : what do i do about him never wanting to talk to him again? should I just ignore it and just try talking to him again 

**Sarah Orzechowski** : Give him a few days and see if he comes to you. Give him a chance to actually believe you, and trust you and know that you aren’t a bad person, you’re just a little messed up sometimes. Brendon, you’re not a bad person, I know that you’re probably thinking that, but you need to grow up a little and stop with fucking guys in the bathroom. And stop letting Spencer and Jon make you into a shitty person. It’s not good for you. 

**Brendon Urie** : they’re not doing that sarah. i’m doing that to them

**Sarah Orzechowski** : Okay, well then stop being a shitty person. It’s easier than said than done, but take the first step and stop torturing those boys, its sexual assault and you should actually be reported for it. It’s a good thing that you haven’t had this point. So you need to stop now.

             Brendon sighs, finally realizing the extent of the damage that he had done to those boys in the past, and what damage he did to Ryan. He had no idea if the boy was questioning his sexuality, or even pretty much anything about him besides that he had a shitty life and that he wanted to go to Berklee. That’s about it. And it scared him. 

**Brendon Urie** : i promise I will, sarah. i promise i will

             And this time, Brendon Urie meant it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI again! Thanks SOOOOOO much for the comments!  
> It's amazing to know that people are still reading this story!  
> Sorry about the semi hiatus for a little bit, I'm trying to change up editors and everything.  
> Huge thanks goes to indigoumbrella on here!  
> Anyways! The fanfic is completely done, and I'm toying around with a new one.  
> Just depends. So, I hope that you like this chapter!  
> P.S. Another chapter may be coming tomorrow, who knows?


	11. 1am Thoughts

           By the time Ryan got home from work—after Josh drove him home—it was around 1am, and his mother was fast asleep in her bed along with his father, which was strange for them. They haven’t slept in the same bed for months. Ryan must have missed an interesting night, and he was grateful for that. He mentally thanks Josh for asking him to stay late at work to place orders for books that they needed.

           He throws his backpack on his mattress and instantly boots up his computer, hoping that his friend has messaged him while he was at work. Ryan needed some kind of help with what was going on with Brendon because he had no idea what was going on with their so called ‘relationship.’ And his online friend was the only person who could help him. He had no other friends, and his parents would be the last people he would ask.

           He’s greeted by a message from his friend but then realizes that the message was sent earlier in the day and he’s now offline. Ryan sighs and decides to type up a few messages to his friend, in the hopes that his friend wakes up.

**Firetheclowns97** : You and me both. I had a rather shitty day because of this guy that I know at my school. He thinks that he is the king of the world, but he’s not, and doesn’t understand that. It just makes me so frustrated, especially because he thinks that because he helped me out that I owe him something. But I don’t.

           Ryan gnaws at his bottom lip, knowing that he is on the verge of revealing too much. And he doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want his friend to know how much of a wimp he is and that he can’t fight off a guy who is shorter than he is, even though Brendon was a little bit more muscular than he was. Ryan was all limbs, no muscle.

**Firetheclowns97** : And the worst part is that I don’t think he’s a really bad guy. At least that’s what my friend has made me believe. He’s just been a shitty person and has been raised in a family that bred him into a spoiled guy who doesn’t really take others feelings into consideration. And my friend told me that even though he’s a pretty shitty person I shouldn’t be as shitty back. And that I’m just trying to push this guy away because I’m afraid that I might end up liking this person, which is pretty easy because the guy is pretty attractive.   


           And that wasn’t a lie at all. Ryan knew that Brendon was one of the most attractive guys that he’s ever met. Even Josh—straight as a ruler—was able to admit that Brendon would be one of the guys that he would bend for if he was interested in him. Ryan also knew that if he spent more time with Brendon, he might end up actually really liking him, and that scared him. Josh and his online friend were two of the only people who he really let into his world. He didn’t know if he was capable of letting someone else in.

           There was once a time that Ryan let a friend in—his name was Shane—and he was Ryan’s best friend for a good amount of time. Shane was everything Ryan wasn’t—muscular, popular, and outgoing. Ryan was instantly drawn to him, and they went on adventures. He remembers playing on the jungle gyms with Shane, pretending that they were a part of the cast of Peter Pan. Shane was of course Peter, and Ryan was a lost boy. Everything was fine, and Ryan was happy. But then Ryan’s father lost his job. And Ryan couldn’t meet up with Shane anymore because he was so worried about his father and his mother. It eventually got to the point where Shane just stopped communicating.

           It was hard for him to go through that, and Ryan didn’t want that to happen again. That’s part of the reason why he just kept to himself. It was much easier for him to find comfort in books, which would never hurt you than search out non-fictional friends. The other reason was that Ryan wasn’t good with socializing. His words always came out in weird ways, and would always end up messing up the conversation somehow, which is why writing was always better for him. He could write out the words, and then erase them, or backspace them, and be able to take away what he said without hurting anyone.

           Ryan glares at his computer screen, wishing that even at this late hour that his friend was somehow going to come online and he could vent to him about what happened. He couldn’t be the only person in the world up at 1am. After all, that’s how Ryan and his online friend started talking for the first time, being the only people up at 1am in their chat room. 

           A year ago or so ago Ryan was a part of a chat room that was mostly designed for people who wanted to pursue a career in music but couldn’t due to financial issues. People in the chat room would mostly post links to gigs, scholarships, and how to save money. One night Ryan was suffering from another nightmare and went into the chat room just to get his mind off things. His friend was the only person online, so they started talking and realized how much they had in common, and how much they didn’t. Ever since then they haven’t stopped talking.

           At this point, Ryan has decided that his friend isn’t coming online tonight. He sadly sighs, and shuts off his computer, feeling disappointed that he’ll have to go to school tomorrow without any ideas on how to survive tomorrow. Josh had given him advice to try and talk to Brendon about what happened, but that was the last thing that he wanted to do. 

           He knew that just walking up to Brendon at school would cause one of two things, A). Being stuffed into a locker, or B). Just being completely ignored. So what he was supposed to do? Sell the gift that Brendon got him, and pretend that nothing happened? Because, sure that would work, and Ryan could back to living the life he was destined to live. Stuck in Nevada, working a minimum wage job at the bookstore, coming home every day to check if his father was still breathing.

           And when the bookstore would eventually go under, Ryan would get a construction job just like his father had, and he would end up like him; married to a woman, unhappy, with a child to support. Sure, he would be miserable, but it was a safe life. But, he didn’t know if he wanted that life anymore. He didn’t know if he wanted to try and actually pursue his dreams at Berklee, but as Ryan lays on top of that soiled mattress, looking up his sharpied walls, he knew that anything was better than this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back for another Chapter! My amazing editor is moving super fast, so I'm able to give you another chapter.  
> I'm hoping to get this story wrapped up around Christmas, but I don't want to post too many chapters.  
> So I'll figure it out later.  
> Anyways. I hope that you enjoy this chapter!


	12. Hospital Coffee

                  “So how was your weekend, Brendo?,” Spencer asks as they’re sitting in English class, waiting for class to start. Today was one of the only days that Brendon got to class early, hoping that he wouldn’t have to run into Ryan in the hallways. He was hoping that he could take Sarah’s advice and give him some time to trust him.

                  Brendon shrugs his shoulders, “It was boring for the most part. Parents were out of town again so I just did nothing but order pizza and watch movies for the most part. How was the party? Did you put your cherub looks to good use again?”

                  Spencer instantly grins and nods his head, “Dude, you have no idea. You really should have come. Keltie ended up inviting her friends from Chamberlain College and shit—those college girls are crazy. I’ve never done more body shots in my life.”

                  The younger boy rolls his eyes, “Thanks for the offer, Spence, but college girls aren’t my speed.”

                  “Well, Sarah’s a college girl, and she was your speed for a while. Have you talked to her recently? I heard that’s she’s doing good.”

                  Brendon once again shrugs his shoulders. He always knew that Spencer had a small crush on Sarah, and telling her that he just recently talked to her would hurt the boy because she hasn’t contacted him. But Brendon also knew that Spencer was too wild and insane for Sarah. Plus, Sarah was his and he didn’t want to give her up to his friend, even if they were never truly together.

                  Brendon heard his phone beep, in his pocket, and knowing that it was probably Sarah, he slid it out of his pocket to check his text messages.

**Unknown** : So The Beatles shirt, yes or no?

**Brendon** : who is this?

**Unknown** : The better question is how did you find a first edition of The Great Gatsby and how did you convince your parents to spend that amount of money? Did you rob a bank?

                  Brendon chuckles under his breath—Ryan. He quickly adds his number to his phone and quickly responds back.

**Brendon** : forget that why are you texting me thought that you hated me

**Ryan** : Josh convinced me to try and at least talk to you. Plus, he loves the idea of having a sugar daddy so there’s always that.

**Brendon** : remind me to thank him

**Ryan** : He still wants to kick your face in so I wouldn’t do that right now.

                  Brendon looks around the room, and then looks up at the clock—it reads 7:28am. Two minutes before class is supposed to start. He hopes that he didn’t spook Ryan to the point where he doesn’t want to even come to school. He knows that school is a big thing for him, especially English.

 

**Brendon** : should i look out for you or are you not coming to school i want you to know that i didn’t mean to spook you or anything

**Ryan** : No, its fine, I’m actually sick so I can’t come in. Got the vomits and everything.

**Brendon** : oh okay let me know if you want me to bring over your homework or whatever hope that you get better soon 

**Ryan** : Thanks. I appreciate it. 

                  In reality, Ryan was lying. Ryan wasn’t sick, in fact, he felt better than he did in a while. But he couldn’t really tell Brendon that he was in the hospital with his mother because his father was rushed to the ER and was getting his stomach pumped. 

                  “Hey sweetie, how are you doing?” Ryan’s mother asks him softly as she sits down in the hospital chair next to him. 

                  “Nothing that luke warm free coffee can’t fix,” Ryan meekly says with a laugh, looking down at the styrofoam coffee cup that he held in his hands. 

                   “Doc—once again—said that your father’s lucky that his liver hasn’t given out on him yet. We should look into getting him into some kind of rehab for what he’s dealing with.”

                   “With what money? And don’t try and tell me that we’re doing okay. We both know that’s a lie. Our insurance’s shit—I don’t even know how we’re going to pay for this hospital trip—so he can’t get into a rehab. Plus, he wouldn’t even want to go to rehab and we both know that,” Ryan says as he keeps his eyes on his coffee cup. His mother has tried to keep everything a secret for the most part, but at this point even she knows that she can’t keep it a secret.

                   His mother sighs, “We’ll figure it out, Ry. We always do, don’t we?” That was false of course. Ryan knew that the next step in their downward spiral was moving into a smaller place, maybe even an apartment at this point. Or Ryan might end up needing to move in with Josh at this point, and he wasn’t opposed to it. Josh had even already mentioned it at some point, but Ryan never put serious thought into it. But as he sits in that hospital chair that was uncomfortable, drinking free coffee, he knew that he might end up having to put some serious thought into it.

                   “I miss being able to afford coffee, and food. And the internet. I hate having to siphon off other people’s WiFi.” Ryan knew that putting the internet above food was weird, but that’s how his generation was now. Food was something that could put off as long as trashcans and cafeteria leftovers were still around. The internet was something that he couldn’t live without. 

                   “Ryan, we’re going to be okay. Why don’t you head off to school? Get your mind off things? Your father’s going to be fine, I’ll make sure of it,” his mother rubs his back slowly, hoping to calm him down. As weird as it was, he was happy that this happened. At least it got him some time with his mother which he has missed. He had one normal parent, just so happens that normal parent was never home, for the most part, or he didn’t see her that often.

                   “I think I might stop by the bookstore. See if I can pick up another shift,” Ryan responds, keeping his eyes trained on that coffee cup. He couldn’t look up his mother, and see her eyes ringed with red. He knows that he should be used to that look. She’s mostly had that plastered on her face for the past couple years. But no matter how many times this has happened, he can’t get over it.

                   “Sure, sweetie. Just make sure to not worry, alright? I promise that we’ll be okay, even if I had to end up selling my eggs,” she says with a bittersweet laugh, “if they aren’t dried up now.” 

                   Ryan fakes a laugh, “You’re not that old, Mom.” She wasn’t though. She had Ryan when she was 18 like most people do in Summerlin, and quickly settled down his father. Over the past years though, her looks have faded and she looks like she could be least 40.

                   “Thanks, kiddo. Now go have fun with Josh. I’ll see you later,” his mother states, and pulls the coffee cup out of her son’s hands, “you should be a normal teenager for a while.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter, but another one is coming seconds after this!   
> My editor is almost finished editing the rest of the story, which is extremely bittersweet for me.   
> Anyways, here's a chapter!


	13. Pizza

                  That night Ryan asks Josh is he’s really serious about him moving into Josh’s place. And Josh being the person he is, of course accepts, and even offers to move his few items into his apartment. In a way Josh is the brother Ryan never had and always wanted. He’s grateful that he has at least him in his life. It’s decided that as long as Ryan works at the bookstore and is okay with sleeping on a futon, he gets to live at Josh’s place rent free. And Ryan is more than willing to accept his offer.

                  “Dude no—it’s going to be so cool with you living with me. You’ll finally be able to meet my friends—hope you’re okay with Xbox tournaments—and I can actually show you my band. We’re a weird lot, but I think you’ll like us. It’s going to be so much fun,” Josh excitingly explains, almost bouncing off the walls. Ryan thinks that Josh is more excited than he is that Ryan is moving in with him. He personally thinks that ever since Debby and Josh broke up that he’s been lonely and needs a friend. He’s perfectly fine with being that friend, especially when being that friend includes no rent fees. 

                  “You do realize that I still have to go to school, right? Just because I have a cool 25-year-old friend doesn’t mean that I’m 25 too. I have responsibilities and that’s probably going to include cleaning your laundry,” Ryan remarks as he hangs up a pumpkin banner over the door. It’s going to be another one of those Halloweens, he just knows it. But hopefully since moving, it’ll be a better one this time.

                  “Aww, did Ryan just call me cool? And should I be honored?” Josh said sarcastically, and stick his tongue out at his former co-worker as he taped up a paper skeleton on the end of a bookcase. “So has Brendon confessed his undying love for you yet and sacrificed his life like Romeo?”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, and gets down from the ladder. Even though it was only the end of September Josh had already elected to hang up the decorations. To say that Josh got excited about Halloween was an understatement. Last year for the entire month of October Josh would only be referred to as Spooky Josh. By the end of the month Ryan wanted to kill Josh, or Spooky Josh, whatever he preferred. 

                  One of the cool parts of working at a bookstore in the middle of October though was being able to host Halloween events. Last year Josh got together a mini costume parade for some of the kids who were dressing up because their school stopped allowing them to dress up. And of course instead of giving out candy he gave out bookmarks and pencils. As much as he loved Halloween he always wanted to make sure that kids knew to read and not skip school. 

                  “Have you at least decided if you’re going to return or sell the book that he got you? It could go for a good amount of money even at a local pawn shop, and we both know that you could use the money for essential items, like pizza,” Josh spoke as he rubbed his stomach, “like you could sell the book right now and order us pizza. Or better yet, call Brendon and ask him to get you something.” 

                  “Josh, I got this phone for emergency purposes only. I shouldn’t have even texted Brendon on it,” Ryan replies, and pulls a staple gun out of a drawer from behind the cash register, “calling him just to bring us pizza when we’re not even really friends is a gross use of minutes.”

                  “But Ryan. I really want to ask how my future rich husband is doing, and if he’s written up the prenup and how we really shouldn’t do because doesn’t he want me to be supported in the future?,” Josh babbles sweetly while he bats his eyelashes.

                  “Okay fine—fine,” Ryan responds, “I’ll text him but only if you behave yourself and don’t kick his head off. I don’t really need assault on my permanent record.” Ryan puts the staple gun down on the register’s desk, and pulls his Nokia phone—designed more for the nuclear war versus being easy to text on—quickly sending off a quick text to Brendon.

 **Ryan** : Hey, this is going to sound weird, but can you bring Josh pizza? He’s starting in on his Spooky Josh persona already and I might end up killing my boss and using his corpse as a Halloween decoration.

                  Almost instantly, Ryan receives a text back from Brendon. He must be either a fast typer or have a cell phone that actually works for the most part.

 **Brendon** : spooky josh? and I thought you were sick

 **Ryan** : You don’t want to know, for both of those stories. I’m at the bookstore. I’ll pay yo—Josh will pay you back when you get here. 

 **Brendon** : its no problem you want anything

                  “Well, is he responding? Is he bringing pizza?,” Josh asks excitedly, instantly becoming like a child who is waiting for his presents on Christmas morning. 

                  “Yeah, he’s responding. Says that you either both sign the prenup or no wedding for you,” Ryan remarks with a small laugh, “just plain cheese for you?”

                  Josh nods, a giant smile plastered on his face, “Tell him if he makes it in the next 15 minutes we’ll close the store for him and we can eat in the back of the store.” 

                  Ryan types back.

 **Ryan** : I’m fine. You know me. I never eat. Josh wanted to know if you could just pick up plain cheese, and also said that if you make it in the next 15 minutes we can close up the shop and eat in the back of the store.

 **Brendon** : alright on the way

\--

                  Exactly 15 minutes later Brendon bursts through the door, instantly welcomed by the smell of pumpkin, and showered in pumpkin confetti bombs. Ryan and Spencer might have gone a little overboard with the Halloween decorations, but to Brendon it was completely normal. Their nanny—Breezy—used to go nuts for the holiday and would dress Brent and him in matching outfits and would always make sure to decorate every inch of the house in pumpkins, or witches. 

                  Josh pokes his head out of a bookshelf, “I see that you’ve fallen for our trap. Give me the pizzas if you wish to survive with your life!”

                  Brendon laughs and sets the pizzas down on the cash register, “I surrender, take the pizzas so I may keep my head and live my life!”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes as he hears the exchange after coming back from their overcrowded backroom, “Josh, don’t kill Brendon.” Ryan mentally reminds himself to be nice this time. Give him a chance is what Josh said. Take things slow.

                  “Don’t worry about Josh. But it does seem like the Pumpkin King decided to have babies on me. He probably remembers how my nanny used to dress me up as one of his minions and probably thought that I supported his reign in Halloween Town,” Brendon easily replies, taking things nice and slow. That’s what Sarah told him, and not to spook Ryan.

                  Josh strides over to the pizzas, and pulls Brendon by the arm, towards Ryan who is leaning against the door to the back alleyway, “Dude! Brendon had a nanny! How cool is that?! I’ve always wanted a nanny!”

                  “Is he okay? Did you spike his drink with something?” Brendon whispers to Ryan as Josh opens the door to the alleyway, and opens a pizza box on an iron wrought patio table that they shared with the other businesses.

                  Ryan shrugs his shoulders, “He gets like this when it’s Halloween. It also happens to be around the time when he and Debby broke up last year. Josh took it really hard, I’m talking watching nothing but romantic comedies while at work. One day, he even came to work in a Winnie The Pooh onesie and had a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in his pouch.”

                  “How long were they together for? Must have been a long time for someone like Josh to break down like that,” Brendon replies, as he watches Josh eat a slice of pizza out the box.

                  “Couple of years. Long enough for Josh to save up enough money to rent out the bookstore and name it after him and her. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the main reasons why he’s allowing me to move in with him, because he’s lonely most of the day when he’s not here,” Ryan explains with another shrug of his shoulders. At this point, there was nothing to lose by telling Brendon what was going on. Josh apparently liked him—after getting over the whole Ryan got attacked by Brendon in the bathroom—and he wasn’t going to be a dick to him.

                  Brendon looks over at Ryan, “Oh? You’re moving? I should throw you a housewarming party,” he says with a grin.

                  “Oh no, I’m terrible at parties for other people, it would be even worse if the party was for me.” 

                  “What about birthday parties then? You must have had them.”

                  Ryan halfheartedly shrugs his shoulders, “I did—yeah, I actually had a good amount of people show up to my birthday parties. As surprising as it sounds, I used to be quite popular when I was younger. That is until dad lost his job and I kind of just faded into the crowd. I used to be upset about it, but now I like the quiet and the fact that the attention isn’t on me.”

                  Brendon understood that completely. As lonely as it sounded to him, he could only imagine how nice it could feel to know that no one would be staring at you, and keeping you up on a pedestal like he had to deal with it. As weird as it sounded, he was kind of jealous Ryan.

                  “So what do your parents think about you moving? I’m sure that they’re talking you out of it. My parents would kill me if I decided to move out of the house,” Brendon replies, biting back the truth. The only reason why his parents wouldn’t want him to move is because it would look bad on the community and their personal image. 

                  “Haven’t told them yet. It would be best, though. My mom is too busy at the hospital, and my dad is too busy getting his stomach pumped to really care if I’m there or not. Oh—that’s the reason why I wasn’t at school today. My father decided to drink himself into a stupor again and needed to have his stomach pumped once again. Even though it’s happened before, felt like I had some kind of duty to be there and make sure that he was okay."

                  Brendon whistles and shakes his head sadly, “Shit, I’m sorry Ryan. At least you have Josh, right? And if need be, you can also stay a night at my place. My parents are gone most nights, and Jon and Spencer are mostly at parties which I’m too tired of going to so the place would be empty.”

                  Ryan’s lip twitches into a smile, “You just want to see me naked, Brendon Urie. I know your tricks,” he says and then pushes him playfully.

                  The older boy puts his hands up defensively, “You totally got me, Ryan Ross. You’re too smart for me,” Brendon answered, and then laughed, “but seriously, though, you can totally stay a night at my house, and I won’t do any funny business. I’ve been a dick ever since Brent left. I know it’s not an excuse, I just want to let you know that I’m trying to change to be a half decent person, and I hope that we can at least be friends.”

                  “Well, Josh has already imprinted on you, for the most part, so I think we’re already friends,” Ryan said with a laugh, “just no more first editions of The Great Gatsby, nearly gave me a heart attack when I saw it.”

                  “No problem, no more first editions of The Great Gatsby, but how about second editions or third editions? Are those acceptable?,” Brendon joked, and then playfully elbowed Ryan.

                  “Are you two just going to flirt all night, or are you going to eat some pizza?,” Josh yelled, red pizza sauce dripping from his chin, “because I can totally finish a full pizza by myself.”

                  Ryan and Brendon looked at each and burst into laughter. Yeah, this might end up working after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you another chapter was coming!   
> The truth is coming out very soon I promise!


	14. Plantonic

**Blockthewallx** : so you like guys. that makes sense now you just need to admit that pete wentz is attractive and that you were wrong

                  Brendon bit back a smile, as his fingers flew across the keys. As surprising as it was him to that his online friend liked guys, it excited him. He would have someone to talk to about Ryan, and how to deal with their relationship being strictly platonic for the time being. He knew that he wouldn’t have a second chance, and didn’t want to mess this up.

 **Firetheclowns97** : Even though I like guys doesn’t mean that I’m instantly attracted to Pete Wentz. People have different types, and Wentz is just not my type.

 **Blockthewallx** : the inventor of the guyliner is everyone’s types.

 **Firetheclowns97** : Please do not use guyliner in a sentence. It’s bad enough that it was even invited none the less actually used.

                  Brendon let out a small chuckle and leaned back in his desk chair, trying to figure out the next snappy catch phrase that he could message back to his friend. Normally his brain was full of snappy one-liners and, but Josh had decided to get a little too tipsy at the bookstore, which meant that Brendon ended up having to drive him home along with Ryan.

                  While Brendon was dropping Ryan off he desperately wanted him to come home with him, so he wouldn’t have to be alone in that house. But he knew that he would be crossing a line that he didn’t want to cross yet. At least not until they were friends for a little longer. He was taking Sarah’s advice to heart and didn’t want to ruin anything with his foolishness.

 **Blockthewallx** : so there’s a guy at school.

                  He decided to tell his online friend about Ryan. Hopefully the online friend would also be able to help because as helpful as Sarah was, she didn’t truly understand how it was to be closeted and have to hide a secret from nearly everyone you knew.

 **Firetheclowns97** : Awwww, do you have a crush on him? And should I be jealous that you’re about to abandon me for him?

                  The truth was, it was entirely possible that he could abandon his online friend. Brendon, for the most part, didn’t feel the need to get online and talk to his online friend. Ryan and Josh were filling that gap, and he was more than happy to be their friend. Josh was funny, outgoing, and open and didn’t give a fuck what people thought. He was everything that Brendon wanted to be when he got to be Josh’s age. But Brendon knew that his online friend could use his help, what with his being closeted as well, and dealing with his nightmares.

 **Blockthewallx** : i could never leave you behind no matter how attractive he is. and even if me and him ever end up actually together i’ll still be here for you

 **Firetheclowns97** : Thanks. I appreciate it. So have you told him that you like him yet?

 **Blockthewallx** : that’s kind of out of the question. i messed things up with him and i don’t think that i’m his type.

                  For the most part, Brendon had no idea what type Ryan liked. He also didn’t know if Ryan did in fact like Josh, or why his relationship status on FaceBook was complicated. And he didn’t think it was right to ask him right now. That was a conversation that was they did have to talk about eventually, just not right now.

 **Firetheclowns97** : I’m sure that you’re everyone’s type, and what happened? Did you start talking about Pete Wentz and how much you’re attracted to him?

                  Brendon rolls his eyes after reading his friend’s message, but then instantly thinking about how he was going to tell him about what he did to Ryan. Should he lie? Should he fib a little bit or leave it vague? He could tell him he made fun of him, and then realized that he actually did like him? Or actually tell him the truth; he told him the former.

 **Blockthewallx** : my friend pointed out how skinny he was and how much like a girl he was and i joined them with making fun of him. i felt like shit afterwards because i realized that i did actually like how he looked and even though we talked afterwards and he said that it was okay but i still feel like he won’t want to be my friend because i was an asshole to him

                  He hoped that was close enough to truth to help his conscience, and also get some kind of advice that would help him in the long run.

 **Firetheclowns97** : I say just give it some time and, of course, apologize if you haven’t already. Chances are that he probably is only saying sorry because he actually does need a friend and he’s lonely. Show him that who you are when you’re around your friends is completely different than who are you when you’re around him. I have a friend who is like that, who is completely different than who he shows towards to the rest of the world, and when he’s around with my other friend it’s like a completely different person.

                  Brendon could relate entirely to that situation, but instead he had three personalities. The straight, stud, bully that he showed the school, the good Mormon boy that he showed to his parents, and the personality that was new that came out when he was around friends who supported him and didn’t care what orientation he was.

 **Blockthewallx** : my parents raised me to be someone who i’m not at all and i hate it. i still don’t know how i’m going to be able to function with being a lawyer who marries a woman

 **Firetheclowns97** : You could be a singing lawyer who only sings his arguments. They could make you into a reality show and how you explore winning a case only based on how many octaves you can reach.

 **Blockthewallx** : like that’s really going to happen. have you talked to your parents about Berklee yet

 **Firetheclowns97** : Not even close. I don’t even think that I’m good enough to go anyways. I haven’t played in a while, which is pretty bad. School and my parents have been messing things up, like always. I’ll probably just end up like them, and stay in this town for the rest of my life. It’s a sense of comfort at least, knowing that nothing will really hurt me as long as I keep on my life plan.

 **Blockthewallx** : i think that’s what my friend is afraid of. he’s afraid of getting hurt and i’m afraid of that too he seems really fragile and doesn’t talk to a lot of people except his friend and that’s it i don’t want to end up hurting him

                  Brendon knew that he was a risk and could end up hurting Ryan without even meaning to. They could be at another Burger King or a McDonalds and his friends could walk into the place, and he would be forced to hurt Ryan unless he stood up and didn’t give care what other people thought. But Brendon cared far too much and didn’t know how he could force himself not to.

 **Firetheclowns97** : Just remind him that you don’t want to hurt him, and that you just want to be friends. Don’t even tell him that you like him in a more than friends way. That’ll just scare him. He probably needs friends, more than he does need a boyfriend. Also, do you even know if he even likes guys? You could be crushing on someone who doesn’t even like boys, none the less your type.

                  He actually didn’t even know if Ryan did like guys. He never asked him point blank if he did. He had assumed that he did, based on their interactions in the bathroom and in his car. But he didn’t know for sure. He would have to ask him eventually, when the time was right, and it didn’t feel like he was just asking to get into his pants.

 **Blockthewallx** : i… i guess i don’t know. and it would be awkward to ask now wouldn’t it

 **Firetheclowns97** : I would ask in a roundabout way, does he know that you’re gay? Because if he does then remark about how cute this guy is, or bring up Pete Wentz and tell him how cute he is or something like that. Don’t directly ask him.

 **Blockthewallx** : i guess that could work.

 **Firetheclowns97** : The worst thing that you could do is just abandon him or make him feel like shit. Listen—I gotta go, school in the morning and I have to talk to my mom about some stuff. I’ll talk to you later, good luck with the guy, I’m sure that everything will work out.

                  Before Brendon could type a reply back, his friend had logged out to which he sighs. He knew that school was going to be hell tomorrow, and he couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to upload early because I'm stuck on another story, and maybe uploading this will help me out.  
> Anyways, once again, thanks so much for the comments!  
> You guys are super sweet!


	15. Similar

**Blockthewallx** : so you like guys. that makes sense now you just need to admit that pete wentz is attractive and that you were wrong.

                  Ryan rolls his eyes at his friend’s response to his announcement, completely gliding over the part which he really wanted to talk about. His friend had a habit of that, hopping to the part that interested him the most, which he normally would be okay with, but he needed assistance about what was going on right now. But he hoped that by joking around with him, that he would eventually ask Ryan was going on.

**Firetheclowns97** : Even though I like guys doesn’t mean that I’m instantly attracted to Pete Wentz. People have different types, and Wentz is just not my type.

                  His type was Brendon, and it frustrated him. Even being friends with someone like Brendon Urie was not Ryan’s plan for the future at all. Neither was moving into Josh’s place eventually, but that was necessary for his sanity and his health.

**Blockthewallx** : the inventor of the guyliner is everyone’s type.

                  Once again Ryan rolls his eyes, realizing how alike his online friend and Brendon were. Hyperactive and always trying to make snappy comebacks. They would get along Ryan thought.

**Firetheclowns97** : Please do not use guyliner in a sentence. It’s bad enough that it was even invited none the less actually used.

                  When Shane and Ryan were friends, Shane had insisted that they wear eyeliner for their Peter Pan roles because of course Peter and his lost boy would wear them. Ryan was surprisingly talented with eyeliner, somehow working it into elaborate designs, but that secret would go the grave with him and his old friend.

**Blockthewallx** : so there’s a guy at school.

**Firetheclowns97** : Awwww, do you have a crush on him? And should I be jealous that you’re about to abandon me for him?

                  Ryan was surprisingly okay with him leaving him behind. He hadn’t had nightmares since meeting Brendon in the bathroom, and when he eventually moved Josh would be there to calm him down. He had told himself that it was progress and that he was weaning himself off of his friend. Like a drug that he didn’t need anymore.

**Blockthewallx** : i could never leave you behind no matter how attractive he is. and even if me and him ever end up actually together i’ll still be here for you

                  Ryan had heard that before when Shane had gotten his first girlfriend, but then Shane stopped answering Ryan’s text and phone calls until they broke up. Shane then came running back to Ryan complaining about his girlfriend and how crazy she was and that she didn’t care what he thought about what she wore.

**Firetheclowns97** : Thanks. I appreciate it. So have you told him that you like him yet?

                  Knowing his friend he had probably written it in the sky with a skywriter at this point. Even though his friend was closeted, he also knew that his friend was hyperactive and had probably told him at their first meetup that he liked this boy. His friend was everything that Ryan wasn’t.

**Blockthewallx** : that’s kind of out of the question. i messed things up with him and i don’t think that i’m his type.

                  Ryan’s brows furrowed. He didn’t understand how his friend wasn’t this boy’s type. Even though he had never seen a picture of him he knew that he had a magnetic personality and was likely the life of the party. He also didn’t understand how he could mess things up with a guy that had supposedly just met. Then again, Ryan had just met Brendon and had already messed things up with him.

**Firetheclowns97** : I’m sure that you’re everyone’s type, and what happened? Did you start talking about Pete Wentz and how much you’re attracted to him?

**Blockthewallx** : my friend pointed out how skinny he was and how much like a girl he was and i joined them with making fun of him. i felt like shit afterwards because i realized that i did actually like how he looked and even though we talked afterwards and he said that it was okay but i still feel like he won’t want to be my friend because i was an asshole to him

                  At that moment Ryan realized how much his friend was like Brendon. Of course Brendon had done worse by attack him, but it seemed that his friend had attacked this boy emotionally instead. In Ryan’s mind, here wasn’t that much of a difference, considering that he had dealt with that kind of abuse for a while now.

**Firetheclowns97** : I say just give it some time and, of course, apologize if you haven’t already. Chances are that he probably is only saying sorry because he actually does need a friend and he’s lonely. Show him that who you are when you’re around your friends is completely different than who are you when you’re around him. I have a friend who is like that, who is completely different than who he shows towards to the rest of the world, and when he’s around with my other friend it’s like a completely different person.

                  This is what Ryan wanted to say to Brendon, to tell him that even though he was throwing him off his life plan, he also knew deep down inside that he wanted a friend. Josh was his friend, but he wanted one that wouldn’t turn into his roommate and wasn’t able to legally drink yet. Although, he doubted that Brendon didn’t need to be legal to drink yet. And he was okay with dealing that Brendon had different personalities for who he was around because everyone had that.

**Blockthewallx** : my parents raised me to be someone who i’m not at all and i hate it. i still don’t know how i’m going to be able to function with being a lawyer who marries a woman

**Firetheclowns97** : You could be a singing lawyer who only sings his arguments. They could make you into a reality show and how you explore winning a case only based on how many octaves you can reach.

                   Ryan had hoped that his snappy remark had made his friend laugh at the very least. One of the good things about having parents who were never around for the most part was that they didn’t have any expectations of him. He knew that his mother had hoped that he be able to go to college, but he knew that there was no way to get there, and he had resigned himself to that fact.

**Blockthewallx** : like that’s really going to happen. have you talked to your parents about Berklee yet

                   And there came that subject again, coming up like a monster under the bed that no one wanted to touch, or even address. Ryan knew that he shouldn’t tell him the truth, and how he even stopped playing guitar at this point, but he had to.

**Firetheclowns97** : Not even close. I don’t even think that I’m good enough to go anyways. I haven’t played in a while, which is pretty bad. School and my parents have been messing things up, like always. I’ll probably just end up like them, and stay in this town for the rest of my life. It’s a sense of comfort at least, knowing that nothing will really hurt me as long as I keep on my life plan.

                   But that wouldn’t happen. As soon as Ryan made that decision to move in with Josh he knew that his life plan wasn’t on track, and as Ryan typed back to his friend, he knew that he would end up being hurt by Brendon, and he couldn’t wait for it. He couldn’t wait for that sting he would feel when him and Brendon would eventually become more than friends, and they would end up having to break up because he was going off to college.

**Blockthewallx** : i think that’s what my friend is afraid of. he’s afraid of getting hurt and i’m afraid of that too he seems really fragile and doesn’t talk to a lot of people except his friend and that’s it i don’t want to end up hurting him

**Firetheclowns97** : Just remind him that you don’t want to hurt him, and that you just want to be friends. Don’t even tell him that you like him in a more than friends way. That’ll just scare him. He probably needs friends, more than he does need a boyfriend. Also, do you even know if he even likes guys? You could be crushing on someone who doesn’t even like boys, none the less your type.

                   Judging by his friend’s life it seemed like it was entirely possible that this guy may be straight. His friend had told him that he had never been in a real relationship, except for a girlfriend which didn’t end in the best way, as he ended up having to tell her that he was gay. Even though Ryan knew that his friend was strong and confident, he didn’t want his friend to get hurt by liking someone who wasn’t even interested in him at all.

**Firetheclowns97** : I would ask in a roundabout way, does he know that you’re gay? Because if he does then remark about how cute this guy is, or bring up Pete Wentz and tell him how cute he is or something like that. Don’t directly ask him.

                   As Ryan looked at the blinking icon, waiting for him to respond, he knew that he needed to figure out a way to metaphorically extend an olive branch towards Brendon. And as Ryan looked at the clock on the computer which read 3am. He knew that he had an idea that would be perfect.

**Firetheclowns97** : The worst thing that you could do is just abandon him or make him feel like shit. Listen—I gotta go, school in the morning and I have to talk to my mom about some stuff. I’ll talk to you later, good luck with the guy, I’m sure that everything will work out.

                   Ryan quickly logged off before his friend could distract him from his plan, and as he picked up a book from his makeshift bookcase, he knew that it would be perfect. And for the first time in years, he was excited for school the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy, so it turns out that I actually forgot to add a chapter, so I'm messing around with this a little bit.   
> This chapter comes before York, and York comes after this. Then comes Bookshelves.   
> I'll still upload Bookshelves today, don't worry.   
> Just wanted to let you know if it seems weird, it's just me messing up again.


	16. York

                  For the first time in weeks, Ryan was early to school. He didn’t have to wake up his father that morning because he was still at the hospital, and his mother was working. And when he strolled up to Brendon’s locker, and slipped a thin card into the slits in his locker, he knew that it was destined to be a good day.

                  For the first time in weeks, Brendon was late to school. His father and mother were once again out of town, and he had spent all night looking up his ceiling wondering if he was capable of changing. When he finally fell asleep at 5 in the morning, he had forgotten to set his alarm, and rolled out of his bed at 7, somehow getting his morning routine done in enough time to only be a few minutes late to his first class of the morning—English.

                  As Brendon slips through the door, Ryan glances up to notice Brendon’s disheveled appearance, and then quickly glances back down the paper that Mr. Joseph had handed out. As much as he wants to ask Brendon if he had gotten his note, he knew that right now would be the best time.

                  “Mr. Urie, glad to see that you joined us,” Mr. Joseph comments as he continued marking papers at his desk, “worksheet on Gatsby is on my desk, grab one and take your seat. And please remember to try and make it to class on time next time.”

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, grabs the worksheet, and takes his seat next to Spencer. Of course the one day that he would be late, and wanted to talk to Spencer they would be working on a worksheet. In Brendon’s opinion, the worksheets Mr. Joseph gave out was mostly just to keep them busy as he worked off a hangover. Everyone at the school knew that even though their teacher was pretty successful in his teaching abilities he also liked to dabble in singing and was pretty big in their local underground scene.

                  Brendon had also heard a rumor that he had an offer from Fueled By Ramen with his old band but then turned it down because the label wanted him to quit his teaching job to tour. Unlike a good portion of the teachers at his school, Mr. Joseph liked teaching his students. Brendon was sure that it must have been a rumor because he couldn’t imagine someone turning down a record contract because they wanted to do a median job that wouldn’t net them more than fifty grand a year.

                  Brendon feels his phone buzz, and ignores it, knowing that pulling it out could result in his having detention which is something his parents would condemn, as they were on their plane coming back from The Keys. Instead of talking to Spencer, he was forced to answer questions about how the book made him feel, and what he learned from life about it.

                  Ryan quickly slides his Nokia phone back into his bag, after seeing Brendon ignore his text. He was hoping that he would answer it so that he would know if he got a chance to open his locker. To say that Ryan was anxious and nervous was an understatement. But he also needed to know if he should head over to the bookstore and wait for Brendon there, or just head home after school ended.

                  Ryan looks up at the clock willing the hands on the clock to move with his mind. He had already finished his worksheet and was hoping that there was at least something to keep himself busy. But as he glances over to his teacher who is half passed out, half awake, he knows that this is going to be the only work that they do today.

                  Brendon feels a nudging on his elbow and quickly looks over at Spencer, who is pulling on his elbow in an attempt to his attention. Spencer glances over at their teacher, and then back towards his friend.

                  “Don’t even think about it, Spence,” Brendon warns him, knowing that his friend is about do something that he shouldn’t. Even though Brendon’s parents don’t notice what he’s doing, Spencer’s parents are even worse. The only thing that care that Spencer does is at least get through school. They don’t care if he gets detention—happens all of the time—or is suspended for a few days.

                  Spencer grins back mischievously and crumples up his paper in preparation of throwing it at their teacher. But as Spencer is about to launch it into the air, the door to their classroom slams open, causing him to jump, nailing his knee on his desk. Brendon can’t help but chuckle, but then turns his attention towards the teacher who is standing in the doorway.

                  Ryan looks up, startled looks towards the noise, noticing that Mr. Joseph is now fully awake. Ryan hopes that this now means that class may actually consist more of just mindless work.

                  “Hello, Tyler! The office wants to see you, something about a call for you,” a bearded gentleman calmly states, as he walks into the classroom and puts his books down on the desk. Their teacher looks around wildly, just now realizing that he must have fallen asleep, but quickly regains his composure.

                  “Class, Mr. York will take over your class right now. Listen to him, and Spencer next time let’s try something a little more creative than just a ball. Maybe next time let’s try a paper airplane, shall we?” Mr. Joseph cooly says, as he picks up his teaching materials.

                  Ryan can’t help it, and laughs under his breathe. That’s one of the reasons why he chose this class. He had heard rumors that this teacher was sarcastic and bitty, and he was so happy that Spencer had been the victim this time.

                  Spencer grumbles under his breathe, and folds his arms over his chest, knowing that he has just been beat at his own game. Brendon’s lips break out into a small smile, relishing in the fact that the attention is on Spencer instead of him. Maybe Spencer has learned his lesson after all. 

                  “So, where should we get started?” Mr. York asks with a blinding smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! I know it's super short, but one of my favorite chapters is coming up on Thursday and it's called Bookshelves. Here's a lil sneak peek; 
> 
> “Newsflash, you’re already friends. You don’t need friendship bracelets or a great big explosion of emotions or a party to announce that you’re friends. I know it’s been a while since you’ve made a friend—I’m honored that I’m the most recent—but if you’re hung out, and like each other’s company then you’re friends. Simple as that,” Josh replies with a shrug of his shoulders, and then goes back to his gossip magazine. Ryan guessed that he was right, like he always was.


	17. Bookshelves

                  Ryan finally gets his confirmation that Brendon got his note as he leaves school, getting ready to walk down the street after an oddly good day. Mr. York as it turns out, will be their teacher for the rest of the year apparently, at least that’s what Ryan had heard while at lunch. The call for Mr. Joseph turned out to be another record label offering him another chance to get signed to their musical lineup. Unlike last time, though, he accepted on the condition that he would be able to come back to his teaching job next fall that is if the school still wanted him.

                  After spending most of the class with Mr. York Ryan had decided that he liked him more than Mr. Joseph. His new teacher pushed him more, and that’s what he wanted in a teacher. As nice as his old teacher was, he cared too much about what other students thought.

                  After pulling Ryan’s note out of his locker, Brendon was confused. All the note said was HP JK in black lettering. He had guessed that it was Ryan because he was the only person who would write on the back of a cereal box. Hell, he was the only person who would even write a note to him in general. So naturally he texted Ryan, but all he got back from Ryan another cryptic text that only read out BK.

                  Ryan can’t bite back his grin as he texts back Brendon. Everything was going smoothly, especially after getting Josh to help him out with his idea. Even though Ryan told his friend that he was going to sleep, he stayed up until five getting everything into order. Josh had told him that even though he was getting better with trusting Brendon, he didn’t know if this was a great idea. But Ryan told him not to worry, and that everything would work out.

                  Brendon sent back another text to Ryan, and asked him what he meant by BK, and finally got back a text that made sense. That meant that he got into his car, and drove to the Burger King that they went to just a few nights ago. As he walks into the fast food joint, he instantly notices what Ryan wanted him to find. A wrapped package, nearly identical to the one that Brendon gave him, but Ryan’s gift was wrapped in newspaper.

                  Brendon picks up the package, reading the warning on the front of the package. “Don’t open till you get to bookstore,” he reads to himself. He rolls his eyes with a smile, and gets back in his car.

                -

                  “Ryan, calm down, it’s not like the Pope is coming or anything,” Josh comments, as he curls up in a chair, “I’m still not sure if I like the guy or not yet. He’s still a piece of shit for attacking you in the bathroom, even if he did bring us pizza last night.” Ryan knew that he was right.

                  “Okay—fine. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this whole thing. But putting the book in his locker wouldn’t have worked. I don’t know his combination and putting it on his doorstop would be weird. So I’m stuck doing this,” Ryan replies, feeling stupid. He shouldn’t be this excited.

                  Josh props himself up on his elbows, “Listen, Ry, I’ve known you for a while now. I know you. And I know that you’re excited that you might have a new friend, but just handing him the book is just as good as making me waste my gas,” he says grumpily, once again curling up on the chair with a magazine in hand.

                  “Next time I’ll just hand him the book, okay?” Ryan states defeatingly. When Ryan was younger he would go above and beyond for his school projects. He remembers making a volcano for science class with his father and making PowerPoint projects that even included music.

                  “So, I have some news,” the older boy says as he thumbs through the magazine, “some huge news about my band that may affect you too.” Knowing that bookstore is at least a twenty-minute ride from Burger King Ryan plops down in the chair next to Josh.

                  “What’s going on? And what could it do with me?” Ryan asks Josh, his eyebrows furrowing. Josh’s band has been trying to get big since they first met, but Ryan has never seen his band live or even met his fellow band members.

                  “Do you want the good news or bad news first?” Josh asks, tossing the magazine on the table in the middle of the chairs. Ryan shrugs his shoulders. “My band has signed to a record label,” Josh exclaims with a giant smile splayed across his face, “but we leave for California in a week.”

                  Ryan sits up in his chair, “What do you mean you leave in a week? What about the bookstore? And us moving in together? And when did this happen? I didn’t even know that you were fielding offers from record labels,” he babbles, his mind racing. Josh leaving for California meant that everything would change. Josh wouldn’t be here to take care of the bookstore, and place orders, and he wouldn’t have a place to live in anymore. Even though he hadn’t mentioned to his mother, he knew that moving to a new place would be the best thing for him.

                  Josh sighs sadly, and sits up in the chair, wringing his hands, “I didn’t tell you about the offers because I didn’t think it would actually happen. No one in my band did. Our lead singer didn’t like the offers that the labels were offering. The record label called all of us together to let us know that they changed their minds. We only had a few hours to decide, and I just jumped on it. I’m really sorry, Ryan.

                  “As for the bookstore, I can still run it from California—at least try to—and you can be the manager while I’m away. I’ll change everyone’s schedules, get someone else to work with you every day. I know that Tara wanted to change her schedule to the afternoons anyway, and I can always make sure that she works with you instead. I don’t think you’ve ever met, but I think that you would like her.

                  “And as for moving into together, I’m really sorry, Ryan. I really am. I made a split moment decision, and just went for it. You and your mom can move into my place, but we can’t move in together. I can loan you some money but—“

                  “Just—just stop, Josh. It’s okay. You had a chance, and you went for it, I understand,” Ryan quietly responds, forcing a smile.“I haven’t even mentioned to my mom about moving, so it’ll be like nothing happened. I’ll still work here, I couldn’t imagine ever quitting the bookstore, even if you aren’t here. It’s like a part of my family. And I’m really proud of you Josh. I still haven’t met your band, but I’m really really proud of you, big bro.”

                  Josh sniffles, “Shit, Ry, you’re going to make me cry.” Ryan laughs sadly. “Well, you better ready for your scavenger hunt to come to an end. Are you going to make out with him a little? Or are you going to be like a hormonal teenager and be all awkward and shy?” Ryan rolls his eyes.

                  “We’re not even friends yet, Josh. I’m not going to be all making out with him,” Ryan says and then pushes him playfully.

                  “Newsflash, you’re already friends. You don’t need friendship bracelets or a great big explosion of emotions or a party to announce that you’re friends. I know it’s been a while since you’ve made a friend—I’m honored that I’m the most recent—but if you’re hung out, and like each other’s company then you’re friends. Simple as that,” Josh replies with a shrug of his shoulders, and then goes back to his gossip magazine. Ryan guessed that he was right, like he always was.

                -

                  “No, Jon, I’m not coming over to save you from Cassie’s talks about prom. You made your bed with being with the girl, so sleep in it,” Brendon interrupted Jon’s speech about how he was stuck at home with his girlfriend, and how he should come over.

                  “Please, Brendon,” Jon pleaded, his voice distorted through the speaker of Brendon’s phone. “Remember when I helped you through your breakup with Sarah, and I spent days going back to the store to get you ice cream? Or when I held your hair back when you had your first hangover? You owe me this, dude.”

                  “Jon, any other day I would help you out, but I’m busy right now,” Brendon replies, as he plugs his phone into the USB port of his car, so that Jon’s voice would be piped through his car speakers instead.“I have to pick up a new book for English class. My teacher picked up and moved to California to pursue his music career so our new teacher assigned a huge list of books for us to pick up.”

                  “That sucks—no Cassie, I don’t want a pink tux! I’m not going to match your—Brendon, please help. She’s driving me crazy. It’s a good thing that you and Sarah broke up, and she’s off at college. At least you won’t have to worry about matching tuxes with a hot pink dress,” Jon grumbles over the phone. Brendon can’t help but chuckle at Jon’s situation.

                  If Spencer was the trouble-maker of the group, Jon was the exact opposite. And if Spencer was the player of the group, Jon was the exact opposite. Jon and Cassie have been together since the freshmen year of high school, the longest out of any their friend group. When Brendon and Sarah were together, they were the longest running out of them, but Brendon gladly handed the reign over to them.

                  “I’ll make it up to you, Jon. I’ll buy you the colored tux of your dreams,” Brendon said, laughter flooding through his words.

                  “Oh fuck off, Brendon. Have fun with your books,” Jon replied, and Brendon could hear the middle finger that he had displayed through the speakers. Brendon rolls his eyes, and hangs up the phone. Jon was the closest Brendon had to Sarah. Jon was the responsible older brother who took care of his two younger brothers.

                  Brendon and Spencer had joked that he was just practicing for when he and Cassie had kids eventually. Cassie didn’t like that joke, mainly because she had dreams of becoming a writer, and she had decided that she wouldn’t have children until she had at least two New York best sellers until her belt, then she could settle down if Jon wanted to.

                  And Jon was perfectly okay with that, as he dreams to be a musician quite like Ryan did. He knew that having children on tour is a tricky thing to navigate especially if you’re just getting started like he would. He also knew that even with all of his parent’s money, it couldn’t manufacture fans, and record labels. It could put him in front of record executives, but he didn’t want that to be the way how he got fans. He wanted to work hard for his fans, and Brendon admired that.

-

                  “So do you know who you’re mixing with yet?” Ryan excitedly asks Josh, as he writes down the books that they need to re-order. “Or are they going to keep you out of the loop until you get to California?”

                  “All they told me is that they’re flying us to California to record a debut CD and that if we finish it within the time frame, we’ll have it released next year. Then we’ll support a band on tour, and if we have luck on our side, we’ll be able to do our own headlining bar tour,” Josh replied calmly as if he’s done this all before, which Ryan didn’t understand. If he got a record deal, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself, but he guessed that Josh didn’t want him to feel bad because he was leaving him behind.

                  “Are they putting you up in a good hotel at least? Or a house for a couple weeks?” Ryan asks again, hoping to get a little more information. In a way he’s living through Josh because he knows that he’ll never get this chance. Being in a band that actually gels together is hard enough.

                  “Ry, can we talk about this another time? I still have a week till I have to fly out, and I’ll see you tomorrow after all, like we always do,” Josh mumbles, and then walks off to the stockroom. Ryan’s about to follow him when the door’s bell alerts him to a customer, but he has a feeling that he already knows who it is.

                  Ryan looks up at Brendon with a smile, “Can I help you find something today, sir?” Brendon laughs, and walks up to the counter which Ryan is standing behind, and slides the package across to him.

                  “I found this, do you think it might belong to someone who works here?” Brendon states with a smile. “Because I don’t want to open anything that’s not my property.”

                  Ryan nods, “Yeah, I think I know who this belongs to, and I think that he would give you permission to open it,” he says and then slides it back across to Brendon, “it’s one of his favorite books when he was younger.”

                  Brendon raises his eyebrows, and opens the package. “So, you were a Potterhead when you were younger then,” he says after realizing that it was the first book in the Harry Potter series. When him and Sarah were dating they went to see the third movie, but he didn’t understand the plot, the characters, or even why the characters were British. Sarah had told him that it was because he didn’t read the books, but he didn’t have the motivation to read them. Now he did.

                  “Yeah, I was a huge fan when I was younger. Me and my mom would go to the midnight premieres for the books and the movies. She even dressed up like Snape one year, and of course I was Harry. My friend Shane dressed up as Crabbe one year before he lost weight. Me and him have lost touch, but it was so much fun. Harry Potter as a whole brings back so many memories for me. I would even credit it as being the book that helped me read as my mom would read me paragraphs of the book before I went to bed.

                  “One night she read ahead to make sure that there wasn’t anything scary that could cause me nightmares, and she couldn’t put it down. The next day she went to the bookstore and bought the next book. My dad didn’t really like reading much though, so he just let us be, and just shared his music taste with me instead,” Ryan finishes with a sigh. He missed those days a lot.

                  Brendon chuckles, “So I’m friends with a fanboy, I see. That should make things interesting.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

                  “I’m sure that you have something that you obsess over, you should share it with me so that I can make fun of you too with it,” Ryan suggests. Brendon had to think, he thinks that he already told him that he likes Fall Out Boy, but he was looking for—

                  “Magic Treehouse Books was my obsession when I was younger. Brent would read them to me when I was younger. And I remember that I tried to read the books I would always get stuck on a word—absolutely. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t say it. But after reading those books to myself, and even to Brent, I eventually got it right. When I finally got it right I was so proud of myself, because I was finally learning how to speak—I was developmentally slow when I was younger—and my big brother was teaching me.

                  “A few years ago—before you and I met—I stopped by a Target for I think condoms for me an old girlfriend—don’t ask about that one—and I came across the first book of the Magic Treehouse Series and I almost started crying because I realized how much I truly missed Brent. That moment I realized that I was part of the Treehouse and I wasn’t ever going to leave. Kind of how I think you are with the Harry Potter Series, even if the book series has ended, and the characters’ lives may have stopped, you’re always a part of it,” Brendon says, his voice distant, remembering the days that he missed so dearly. He knew that if Brent was a part of his life, him and Ryan would get along well, and that Brent wouldn’t be upset that his brother was gay. In fact, he would probably ship him flavored lubes, and vibrating dildos. Ryan nods thoughtfully, realizing that there was more to Brendon that he did realize.

                  “How about this? We start a book exchange to get to know each other a little better? We read books that we used to like when we were younger. You read Harry Potter, I read Magic Treehouse. What do you think?” Ryan suggests, hoping that this was a good idea. Brendon loved it.

                  “That is a brilliant idea, Ryan. No wonder you’re acing English,” Brendon replies with a giant smile. There was a reason why he was friends with Ryan, besides his looks.

                  “That is until our new teacher came in. I have a feeling that Mr. York is going to be a lot different than Joseph was,” Ryan remarks, as he steps in front of the counter, walking back to the Children’s section, to which Brendon follows him. “Did you hear that he left because he got a record deal in California?”

                  “I did hear! Can you believe it? What luck!,” Brendon exclaims, letting his fingertips roam along the spines of the books, “I can’t imagine being able to fly to California and record whatever you want.” As Brendon walks along the bookcases with Ryan he understands why Ryan likes it so much. You’re surrounded by stories, and so many lives that you can just pick one and live it. And the smell of old and new books is intoxicating.

                  “Josh knows what it’s like,” Ryan sadly states, coming to the conclusion that he should tell Brendon about what happened, “he got a record deal too and is flying to California in a week to record his debut album with his band.”

                  “What do you mean he got a record deal? What’s going to happen to your job? And weren’t you going to move in with Josh?” Brendon instantly exclaims, feeling his ADD spike. As weird as it sounded, he was attached to the bookstore, even after only being in there for a few times.

                  Ryan shrugs his shoulders, “Luckily Josh is only going to be in California long enough to record the album, and he’s going to make me the manager for the time being while he’s away. As for moving in together—well—long story short, I’ll end up staying at my house.”

                  Brendon shakes his head rapidly. “No—no—you’re not staying there. I’ve seen where you live, remember? Stay with me. My parents are never home, and when they are I’ll explain that you just need a place to stay while your house is getting redecorated.”

                  Ryan sighs. “I appreciate the offer, Brendon. I really do. But me staying at Josh’s was just a pipelines dream. I knew that I couldn’t leave my mom behind, and your friends aren’t exactly going to be happy that I’m staying at your place,” he states, and stops in the middle of a bookshelf, running his fingertips along the spine of a book while looking for a book.

                  Ryan turns towards the older boy, hoping to convince him that this wasn’t going to work. But instead of that, Brendon ends up takes Ryan’s hand, immediately regretting the decision, and then drops it, which leaves Ryan speechless, because this shouldn’t be happening. This was something out of a book or a story. This was the scene in a romantic comedy where all of the girls sighed and wished that their life was like that.

                  “I don’t care about my friends, and your mom can stay too. We have more than enough room in the house. Hell, we have more than enough bathrooms to house you guys. You shouldn’t have to live with your father, or even live in that place,” Brendon adds, his voice soft, close to a whisper. At this point, he doesn’t care if his reputation will plummet, or if he loses all of his friends, all he knows is that his friend shouldn’t be in an environment that is harmful to him physically, or emotionally.

                  Brendon takes a step forward towards Ryan, “Listen, Ry, it’ll be okay,” he takes Ryan’s hand, this time not regretting his decision. The older boy brushes a piece of the younger boy's hair out of his face.

                  “Brendon—you don’t understand,” Ryan whispers, his heart beating, knowing what was about to happen, and not knowing if he wanted to stop it or just give him.

                  “No—Ryan—I do understand. You’re scared, I get that. A friend I know has a life plan—you remind me a lot of him—and you don’t want to venture off that life plan because you’re afraid of changing. You had this life that you imagined, but isn’t it time to see what venturing off the life plan could do? Would it really be that bad?” Brendon whispers, squeezing Ryan’s hand. At this point, their faces only a few inches apart, Brendon notices a small scar on Ryan’s nose, and wonders how it got there, and Ryan notices how long Brendon’s eyelashes are and—

                  “I’m gone for ten minutes and you’re already kissing in the bookshelves like horny teenagers?,” Josh booms, instantly interrupting the moment that was about to happen between the two boys. Brendon pulls away from Ryan instantly, and coughs awkwardly. Ryan glares at Josh and hopes that he would burst into flames at any second because he just interrupted a moment that he actually wanted to happen.

                  “So,” Brendon says to break the awkward silence, “Ryan told me that you got a record deal, that’s awesome. Congrats. You’ll have to let me meet the band before you leave.”

                  Josh nods, and then looks over at Ryan, “Hey Ry? Could you do me a favor and grab me the list of books we need to reorder? I think that that we might have miscounted on how many copies of The Fault In Our Stars we need to order.”

                  Ryan nods, and quickly escapes the awkward moment that was about to happen. Because as much as he loved Josh, and how much he regarded him as his brother, he was a little bit too much like his brother, in the fact that he would protect him at all costs. When a customer came in last week and got into an argument with him about how The Great Gatsby didn’t address racism how much as it should have, Josh kicked the customer out.

                  “Brendon, I don’t know if you’re planning on just Ryan just being another notch in your bedpost, or whatever the fuck you plan to do. But if you hurt him, I will not hesitate to jump on a plane and kick your bony ass back to your mansion that you call a home,” Josh growls, taking a step towards Brendon. Brendon gulps. This was not what he intended to happen. He did not think that this was going to happen. He thought that it would be sweet, and romantic between him and Ryan.

                  “Josh—first off, really truly, congrats on the record deal—and secondly, I’m not planning on hurting Ryan. In fact, I was struggling with even figuring out if I could be friends with him because I didn’t him to get hurt by the people I associate with. But when Ryan put the note in my locker, I knew that I had to try and not give a fuck what other people thought about me. Thirdly, thanks for interrupting our moment, I don’t think me and him are ready. We just met, me and my last—only—girlfriend knew each other for years until we had our first kiss. And fourthly, I’m glad that you’re making Ryan manager. He really does love this place,” Brendon calmly says, hopefully diffusing the situation.

                  Josh narrows his eyes, “Girlfriend? What the fuck do you mean by girlfriend? If you’re only with Ryan right now because you’re bored with—“

                  “I’m still closeted like I suspect Ryan is, except with you obviously—my parents pressured me to get a girlfriend. I knew was that I didn’t look at girls the same that I looked at boys. About a year or so in our relationship when we were about to have sex, I broke down and told her that I was gay and that I couldn’t do it. Luckily she was supportive, and we pretended that we were still in a relationship to protect me and also protect her so it didn’t look like she was used. We broke up last summer as she was going off to college in California—hey maybe you’ll see her, her name is Sarah Orzechowski—and I haven’t had a girlfriend, nor do I intend to since then,” Brendon announces, as he feels like he has just ran a marathon.

                  Josh nods, and claps Brendon on the shoulder then sighs, “Sorry about that, Brendon. Truth be told, it’s not you that I’m upset with. I’m upset with myself mostly because I made a decision that I’m not all that happy with. Sure, I’m happy that me and my band are being able to do what we really truly love, but I’m upset that I did without a thought about Ryan. He’s like—he’s my little brother, and I’m leaving him behind. And he’s asking me all of these questions, and I’m trying to tell him without bursting into tears, man. Just—just—while I’m gone, take care of him, alright? You’re the closest thing he has to a friend right now. And make sure that if his father gets violent, you protect him, alright?”  


                  Brendon nods  and pulls Josh into a much needed hug for both of them. He promises he’ll protect Ryan at all costs, he promises he will. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's one of my favorite chapters! I hope that you liked this!


	18. Truth

                  After a week of exchanging books Brendon had already read up to book four of Harry Potter, and Ryan had already read up to book thirty of the Magic Treehouse books. They also had already started making jokes with each other quoting lines from the book, and using Harry Potter jokes. In fact, Brendon had gone online to Buzzfeed and took one of their stupid sorting quizzes, and wasn’t that fond of their sorting him—Hufflepuff. Ryan took the same quiz and he was sorted into Ravenclaw, but Ryan was pleased.

                   But during their week of exchanging books Ryan was always being trained to take over for Josh as he was packing up his belongings and getting ready to fly to California. And even though Ryan knew he had Brendon to fall back on, he was still scared of taking over for Josh. He didn’t know the first thing about business, or how to keep it above water, or even how to manage employees or customers. The only thing he thought he was good at was remembering books and their titles.

                   And Brendon could tell that Ryan was scared. Every time that they met up at the bookstore to read their books together, he had tried to make his friend open up, but Ryan would just ignore the older boy and continue to read his book. At one point, it got so bad that Brendon had asked Josh what was going on. Josh had told him that it was just Ryan going back into his turtle shell which he did whenever he was in major denial.

                   But as Josh stood outside of his apartment his car loaded with his belongings, with Brendon and Ryan everyone knew that it wasn’t denial time anymore. This was really happening, and for Brendon it was bittersweet. He had grown attached to Josh and his tough guy mannerisms when really he was a giant teddy bear. He was going to miss him.

                   “So,” Josh said, hoping to break the pregnant silence to no avail, “Ryan you know the passcode to get into the bookstore, right?” Ryan nodded, fiddling with his fingers. Ryan hoped that Josh would just cancel the trip and stay with him, but he knew that that wasn’t going to happen. This had been Josh’s dream, even if meant leaving the bookstore, and Debby, who had freaked out when she found out about the record deal. She had also tried to convince Josh to let her come with him, but he said no.

                   “It was nice to meet you, Josh. I’m sure I’ll see you later,” Brendon spoke, clapping Josh on his shoulder, just like Josh did to him in the bookstore just a week ago.“Have fun, but don’t have too much fun. I hear from Sarah that California isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.”

                   “Thanks, Brendon, you take care of Ryan, alright? He’s my little brother, and I won’t hesitate to fly back and—“

                   “Josh, just go,” Ryan chokes, “I’ll be fine, trust me. Brendon isn’t as bad as a guy you think he is. Sure, he may be afraid to hang out with me in public for the most part—at least for the time being—but he’s also my other best friend. So go have fun, Josh. Live the rock star life, but make sure to schedule a tour date in Nevada because I still haven’t seen your band yet.” Ryan forces a smile, hopeful that this fools Josh into believing that he’s okay. Josh leaving hurts just as much as Shane leaving did, if not more.

                   Josh nodded, pulling Ryan into a long hug. This was going to be hard.

                -

                   After Josh had left for the airport, Brendon had convinced Ryan to let him take him back to his place because he knew that Ryan needed a good meal. And Brendon also knew that the younger boy was in need of cheering up. The pool in his house and the home theater should hopefully do the trick Brendon had hoped.

                   “Aren’t your parent’s home though?.” Ryan asked Brendon as he watched the lights go past. The last time he was in this car was the dreaded Burger King meet up, but this time it felt immensely different. He wasn’t in this car for just food, he was in this car because Brendon was his actual friend.

                   “Another business trip. At this point, I think that they live more in their plane than they do in our house. Before Brent left, things were different. Actually, lots of things were different back then. I didn’t have to uphold the family image as much as I do now because he was supposed to be the golden child. And the weird thing is, for a while there they were doing good. They didn’t go on many business trips. They tried to be parents again, but then a trip to Paris, and then The Keys, and then eventually forgot about me for the most part unless I was having a problem at school.

                   “And I know it seems stupid—super rich guy complaining about his parents when he has enough money to buy new parents, but money doesn’t always buy happiness,” Brendon states with a sigh. Ryan understood that notion, but he also knew that having money would at least provide clothes and food.

                   “I guess there’s a middle to everything. Not too much money, not too little money. You need to have that perfect amount, just like you need to have the perfect kids and the perfect amount of kids too. And you need to have the perfect car that’s not too flashy but not too old to embarrass yourself,” Ryan says and then looks over at Brendon whose eyes are focused on the road in front of them. “Thank you for being my friend, Brendon, and thanks for just being there.”

                   Brendon nods, “Ryan, you don’t need to thank me for anything, if anything I need to thank you for showing me how much of an asshole I am sometimes and that it’s okay not to care what other people think of you. Although I’m still working on that last one.”

                   “I do care what people care—well I care what you think of me mostly. And I used to be like that. Caring what other people thought of me until my life went to hell in a handbasket. Then I just stopped caring for the most part. The hardest part was losing my best friend at the time. We used to pretend that we were part of the cast of Peter Pan,” Ryan said, looking back at the lights flashing by.

                   Brendon smiles widely, “Peter Pan is one of my favorite movies, that and Aladdin. We should watch it when we get to my place. My parents aren’t a fan of movie theaters so they ended up building one in our house, complete with our own popcorn maker,” he says with a roll of his eyes. Since meeting Ryan, he didn’t understand why his parents wasted as much as they did when people like Ryan were struggling to even make rent.

                   “Deal.” Ryan looks over at Brendon, smiling widely.

                -

                   “You were not kidding when you really said that you have a real movie theater,” Ryan marveled at how close to detail the theater was. They had even gone the extra step and upgraded to the 3D element, and the smell of fresh popcorn was more than Ryan could handle.

                   “My parents like to exhibit their wealth in ways that they probably shouldn’t. When they got married I heard that they had George Michael flown in from England to perform for them, and for my first birthday party they hired the entire cast of the Teletubbies to perform,” Brendon said with an eye roll. He still couldn’t believe that only two weeks ago he used to be like his parents. Needless to say that being friends with Ryan has changed his personality drastically.

                   “You were a Teletubby baby? Come on! Barney is where it’s at,” Ryan replies with a grin, and flops down in a chair, instantly pulling up the footrest, “I could seriously fall asleep here.”

                   Brendon takes the seat next to him, and pulls up his footrest as well, “You know, you could stay here tonight if you want. I could drive you to school or—“

                   “Wouldn’t that hurt your reputation at school, though? Spencer and Jon wouldn’t really want to see you with me. I’m actually kind of surprised that they haven’t suspected anything yet,” Ryan quietly says, looking down at his fingers. He knew that Brendon was still closeted and knew that being seen with him would disrupt his entire life, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t be hurt by what was going on. He wanted to be able to actually go out with him, and be how friends should be.

                   Brendon sighs, “My parents are almost never home so of course they wouldn’t suspect anything. As long as I make good grades, and project the image that everything is perfect, they’re taken care of. As for Jon and Spencer, I don’t really give a fuck. Jon would probably accept you. He’s not as bad as people say he is. Like me, he projects an image. He’s really a sweet guy and is probably one of the chillest guys you’ll ever meet. And as for Spencer, he’s hardest to convince, but once you get on his good side, he’s an amazing friend who will always stick up for you. Maybe it’s about time to test the theory?” Brendon asks hopefully. At this point, he knows that most of the house staff knows that he and Ryan are friends, and that’s fine with him.

                   Ryan gnaws at his bottom lip. He knows that this a good idea, and that would work for him the most. And he would also have something to report to his online friend who he hasn’t spoken to in at least a week. It wasn’t entirely his fault though because every time he went online his friend wasn’t online. It was almost like he disappeared. Maybe he followed his—and it clicked. Everything fell into place in Ryan’s mind like a giant puzzle and couldn’t find the missing piece. It just so happened that the missing piece was right in front of him. 

                   “You’re—you’re him,” Ryan croaked out, not able to control how he was feeling. To know that his online friend was in front of him the entire time was not a feeling that he knew how to describe.

                   Brendon looked puzzled, “What do you mean by him? Are you comparing me to Gatsby again, because that’s a little offensive. I mean I am pretty handsome but—“

                   “You’re—Shit. Shit. This is not good.” Ryan instantly blurts out, and quickly gets out of his chair, then begins pacing around the room. “This is not good at all.” In reality, it was a good thing. It meant that they already knew each other felt, but Ryan was freaking out, and he didn’t really know why. Maybe it was the fact that everything was changing and everything finally caught up with him. All he knew is that he wanted to just pass out and forget about things for a little while.

                   “Ryan, communicate with me. What’s going on? Are you okay?.” Brendon asks him, quickly getting out of his chair, wondering what the hell is going on. Josh hadn’t warned him that this may happen. He wasn’t skilled in panic attacks.

                   “You’re blockthewallx. You’re him,” Ryan finally managed to get out, “how did I not see it before? Everything lined up perfectly and I didn’t know. I’m so stupid.”

                   To say that Brendon was shocked was an understatement but as he thought it over, he realized that it made sense and that everything he said Ryan now knew and vice versa. But he didn’t know why Ryan was so upset. If anything it made things better with them. They ended up knowing even more about each other than they previously thought.

                   “Hey, Ry, it’s alright. So you’re my online friend, so what? It’s not a big deal. Why not we just sit down and watch a movie?.” Brendon suggests with a shrug of his shoulders, hoping that Ryan would calm down if he played if it off like nothing happened.

                   “No—no—I--,” Ryan didn’t know why his brain wasn’t working, and why he couldn’t just play it off, “I need Josh. I need to talk to him.” Brendon slowly nodded, and pulled the younger boy into a hug.

                   “Why don’t you just a nap Ry, and then we can call Josh, okay? He is probably going through TSA and he wouldn’t be able to pick up the phone right now, and I think that we both could use a nap, huh?.” Brendon said and then smoothed down Ryan’s hair. “Want to fall asleep while watching a movie? I’ve got tons of Disney movies that we could watch.”

                   “Sorry, Bren. I’m really sorry,” Ryan whispered into Brendon’s bony chest, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m always needing you to lean on.”

                   “Don’t worry about it. That’s what friends do, right? They lean on each other for support. I’m sure that I’ll need to lean on you eventually. We’ll talk about everything else later, alright? Let’s just revert back to our childhoods and watch Disney movies until we can’t stand it, okay?”

                   By the end of Peter Pan, both boys were fast asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! The truth is out, both boys know, and Josh has officially left. He'll be back, so hopefully I didn't break your heart.  
> But now enters a completely different part of Brendon and Ryan's relationship.  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! 16 more chapters to go, and I might end up writing a bonus chapter if you demand it enough.


	19. Friends

                  For the first time in months, Ryan had a real breakfast and he wasn’t able to eat a bit of it. He was nervous about what was coming up in a half hour, and even if Brendon told him differently, he knew that Brendon was too. Being seen with someone like Ryan was social suicide for anyone, which sounds awful but their school was like that. Josh was the only exception.

                  “So what classes do you have anyways? I know that we have English together but that’s about it,” Brendon asked Ryan, his mouth full of egg. They hadn’t talked about last night and how they woke up cuddling, or how they found out who their online friends really were last night.

                  Ryan stabs his egg with his fork, “Math, Science, Photography—I actually couldn’t afford the camera they wanted us to buy so I have to take a failing score for that class—English, Library Sciences,” he comments with a shrug of his shoulders. “The normal stuff.”

                  “Is Library Sciences the reason why you were in the library when I first spotted you?” Brendon replies and then takes another bite of his breakfast. Ryan nods.

                  “Library Sciences is basically learning how to categorize books based on the Dewey decimal system, and also learning about the different types of books as well. It’s mostly easy stuff, and it’s boring, but it keeps me in the library and away from most of the people at our school. That’s the main reason why I took it,” he states matter-of-factly.

                  “I’m sorry,” Brendon whispers.

                  “It’s not your fault that people are assholes sometimes. I just wish that people were more accepting sometimes. Just because someone is different than you doesn’t mean that they aren’t human like everyone is. Everyone is struggling in some kind of way, whether it be family issues, or money issues. No one is perfect, and no one’s life is perfect,” Ryan explains, with another stab at his eggs.

                  “I understand that completely. Everyone is hiding something, kind of like those Harry Potter books. Moody ended up being Barty Jr, and Harry’s supposed contestant Cedric ended up being one of his greatest allies,” Brendon pauses. “Hey, maybe I’m Cedric and you’re Harry,” he says with a laugh.

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, a smile peeking at the sides of his mouth, “And your friends are Hermione and Ron and yet they hate me.” Brendon shakes his head.

                  “Jon has never met you—me and him only have Chemistry together—and Spencer has never actually talked to you before. Spencer doesn’t care what you look like, or popularity, but he cares about his friends, and he wants to protect us. He also likes sex—a lot.”

                  “That’s kind of weird because he looks like an angel. I guess girls want to rough that up?,” Ryan adds with a shrug of his shoulders. “Then again I don’t really know that much about girls. Never been with one before, or even been asked out by one. I knew that I was interested in guys when I was twelve and thought that John Lennon was attractive.”

                  Brendon can’t help but laugh, “You think that John Lennon is attractive? He’s dead, dude. Are you going to dig up a dead body and should I cover for you if you disappear for a few hours?”

                  Ryan sticks his tongue out at him, “Hey you like Pete Wentz, who has better taste here? At least I like someone who has one of the most successful bands of all time.”

                  “Even though Fall Out Boy is on a hiatus—which means by the way that they could be back eventually—they are still one of the most successful bands and Pete discovered tons of bands and brought them to FBR’s label, and even created his own. Look at The Academy Is—rip—or Cobra Starship, or Paramore. They were one of the most successful bands that were ever on Fueled By Ramen’s label. And don’t forget Pete’s label Decaydance, which founded The Ready Set, and also Hey Monday as well,” Brendon argues, not giving up a fight.

                  “So I see that your Pete Wentz obsession has reached a whole level,” Ryan teases. “When I talked to you online I thought that you might have liked him a little bit too much, but now I wonder if you have a piece of his hair and a shrine dedicated to him in your room.”

                  Brendon points his fork at Ryan, “Good luck proving that I have a shrine and a voodoo doll. I’ve hidden them very well.”

                  “Is it where you hide your Playboy? Because I can already guess under your bed or in your closet where your sexuality hides?” Ryan once again teases him.

                  Brendon clutches his heart, “That hurts, Ry. That really hurts. I wasn’t always in the closet, I did actually date this girl for a while. Her name was Sarah, and she was everything that my parents wanted in a daughter in law. She was too smart for me, though, and when we decided to have sex, it was more eventful than I thought it was going to be. I ended up breaking down crying and telling her how I was sorry, but I didn’t think I could do it. She was super understanding and didn’t get mad or anything.

                  “She actually stayed together with me so that my parents didn’t suspect me. For the rest of our relationship when we got together we would gossip about which guy we thought was cuter, or watched Disney movies. Meanwhile, my friends thought that I was super cool for having a girlfriend like Sarah and I turned into the school stud. Me and Sarah ‘broke up’ the summer before she left for college so that it would look like we just wouldn’t be able to handle the long distance,” Brendon reveals.

                  “Now that we’re on the subject of relationships, I guess. Before I found out that Josh was dating Debby I had a huge crush on him. In fact, he’s actually the reason on why my FaceBook says it’s complicated. I never changed it, and I figured it would scare off anyone,” Ryan replies with a shrug of his shoulders.

                  “When I first walked into the bookstore I thought that you two were together and I got insanely jealous, which was weird because I didn’t think I should care about someone who wasn’t even in the same social standing. Let’s just say that I had a fucked up personality and I’m glad that you changed that for the better, Ryan. You made me into a better person,” Brendon says with a smile.

                  “And when you walked into the bookstore I really just wanted to kick you out because you were ruining my life plan. You made me feel things that I shouldn’t have felt at the time. I didn’t want to let you in because I knew that you could end up being one of my best friends, and I didn’t want to be hurt. You helped me trust people, Brendon. So thanks for that,” Ryan shyly says, and then looks down at his plate.

                -

                  “So, are you ready to do this then?,” Brendon asked Ryan as they sat in the parking lot of their high school, “because there’s no going back now. You will know be known as my friend.”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes teasingly, “It’s not like we’re getting married or coming out of the closet, how bad could it really be?”

                -

                  “So this is who you’ve been spending all your time with, Brendon.” Jon asks while standing at his locker with Brendon and Ryan. “It’s nice to meet you, Ryan,” he finishes with a bright smile. Brendon had highly overestimated how much backlash he was actually going to face. Maybe it was the fact that everyone was excited about Halloween coming up, or everyone was talking about the party the previous night, but no one seemed to care.

                  “It’s nice to meet you too. Brendon had told me a lot about you. I want to be a musician quite like you. Berklee is my dream school, but I know it’s never going to happen. My family doesn’t exactly have enough money for a school like that,” Ryan states with a shrug of his shoulders. He liked Jon. Jon was nice, and warm, and open.

                  “There’s tons of scholarships that you can apply for. I know that Sarah—you know about Sarah right?—applied for them to get to UCLA. You should ask her about applying for them. I’m sure that she would help you out. I’m still not sure how Brendon let that girl go,” Jon adds with a sigh.

                  “I told you, Jon, long distance wouldn’t work out. If she has decided to go to a college here then it would be completely different, but she decided to go to California instead,” Brendon says with a roll of his eyes. “So where’s Spence? Is he nursing another hangover?”

                  Jon shrugs his shoulders, “I have no idea. Cassie held me hostage and made me watch a shitty chick flick with Ryan Gosling. But dude—I’m totally straight—but if I wasn’t I would totally be with Ryan Gosling. Have you seen that guy he’s hotter than—“

                  “Spencer! You decided to join us!” Brendon shouts at a visibly hungover Spencer.

                  Spencer groans, “Fuck off, Brendon,” he pulls off black sunglasses and looks at Ryan. “Who the fuck is this? And why does he look like he jumped into a dumpster?”

                  “Well, Spencer this is—“

                  “No wait, I know who you are. You’re the creepy dude who wrote poetry for our yearbook last year. What? Are you stalking Brendon now? Did you enjoy the swirlee so much that you’re back for—“

                  “Shut the fuck up, Spencer Smith. I’m pretty that’s your name anyways, from what Brendon has told me. Also from what he has told me he says that you’re a pretty good guy who doesn’t care what people look like, or what social standing that they’re in. But right now you’re proving quite the opposite. You’re like a stereotypical asshole who doesn’t get enough attention from his parents so he thinks that by projecting his shitty attitude that people will care. But guess what? I don’t fucking care,” Ryan spat, words coming out of his mouth before his brain even knew what was happening. “Now if you excuse me, I have to be a good person and go to class before I turn into someone like you.” With that, Ryan spun on his heel and stormed off to his class. Spencer stared, jaw open, and Brendon resisted the urge to close it for him.

                  “So,” Jon broke the awkward silence after a few moments, “that was Ryan.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! i'm uploading early because I'll be gone all of Sunday (basically today) and Monday.   
> Here's the first of two chapters, and my beta is editing up the final chapter of Firewall as we speak.   
> It's really bittersweet. Anyways, before I make myself cry here's another chapter.


	20. Monologue

                  After a week of exchanging books Brendon had already read up to book four of Harry Potter, and Ryan had already read up to book thirty of the Magic Treehouse books. They also had already started making jokes with each other quoting lines from the book, and using Harry Potter jokes. In fact, Brendon had gone online to Buzzfeed and took one of their stupid sorting quizzes, and wasn’t that fond of their sorting him—Hufflepuff. Ryan took the same quiz and he was sorted into Ravenclaw, but Ryan was pleased.

                  “So, what do you like to do for fun, Ryan?” Jon asked the younger boy as they sat around a table at a local diner. Jon and Brendon tried to convince Spencer to come, but he told them to fuck off and not to speak to him again until Ryan was out of the picture. To say that things didn’t go well with Ryan and Spencer was an understatement, and it didn’t get any better throughout the day at school.

                  “I like to play music and write music. I also love to read,” Ryan replies as he pops a mozzarella stick into his mouth, “I actually work at a bookstore called D&J’s.”

                  “More like he’s the manager now. Josh—his old boss—moved to California for a while to record an album so Ryan is taking over for him. That’s kind of how we met,” Brendon adds, feeling content that at least one of his best friends have accepted Ryan for who he is.

                  “I’m so sorry for what he may have said to you, Ryan when you first met. Brendon has a habit of not wanting to warm up to people initially. It takes him a while to know that the people in his life actually do care about him,” Jon teases, to which Brendon playfully swats at him.

                  Ryan waves it off, “It’s all water under the bridge at this point. Brendon is one of my best friends, and I’m glad that he’s got someone like you in his life, Jon. You’re way nicer than I expected. I don’t get along with a lot of people, and I was so fucking nervous that I wouldn’t get along with Brendon’s friends and then it would turn into World War Three. Not that it hasn’t already with Spencer,” Ryan grumbles.

                  “Oh don’t worry about him. He’ll come around. He’s just being a pissy little boy. He doesn’t like to share his friends and frankly I’m tired of it,” Jon said, taking a sip of his Pepsi. “I wanted to applaud you when you stood up for yourself. I’ve been wanting to say that for years now but was afraid to say how I felt. Glad that you said it for me.”

                  “Honestly,” Ryan says and then leans forward, “I didn’t even mean to say all that. It was like my brain wasn’t working with my mouth, and by the end of that whole thing I wanted to run into the nearest bathroom and pray that I wouldn’t be killed by the end of the day.”

                  Jon claps Ryan on the shoulder, “Well, you were braver than me. So, who’s hungry?!”

                -

                  “Is it possible that I love Jon?” Ryan asked Brendon as the older boy was driving him to his job. “Because I think that I do. I think that I love your best friend.”

                  Brendon laughs, “I think there’s a big problem with that. Jon is devoted to Cassie, and I don’t think that even a crowbar could tear them apart. And I swear that they have some weird telepathy thing going on.”

                  “What do you mean?”

                  “Well, me, Spencer, and Jon were out at some club that we shouldn’t have been at. This was when Jon and Cassie just started dating, but they were exclusive. So, Jon hadn’t told Cassie that he was going to a club because he knew that she would be angry with him. Cassie doesn’t dabble in any of that stuff. She doesn’t drink, or smoke—Jon does and I do sometimes—so of course he doesn’t tell her. And just as he’s about to take his first shot, she calls him and she asks him what club he is in, and if she can come. It was crazy shit,” Brendon finishes with a chuckle.

                  “I think I told you that I don’t drink. I haven’t smoked before. Lots of that stuff freaks me out because I’m afraid that I could get addicted to it and it could ruin my life,” Ryan says. “Speaking of drinking. My dad got out of the hospital today, so my mom is doing this big dinner and everything. I was wondering if you wanted to meet them tomorrow.”

                  Brendon grins, and pulls into a parking spot next to the bookstore, “I would love that, Ryan. Should I bring anything? Flowers? Beer for your dad,” he teases.

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, “Just bring your sarcastic self, I’ll see you later. Today’s my first day with Tara—and first day as manager—so I would invite you in but—“

                  “But you don’t want to set a bad example by not attending to imaginary customers?” Brendon quickly replies. “At least text me after you get done work so that I can drive you home, alright?”

                  Ryan nods, “Will do, Captain. I’ll talk to you later.”

                -

                  As soon as Brendon dropped off Ryan, Brendon’s phone started ringing and, of course, it was Spencer, to which he answered.

                  “Beep, you have reached Brendon’s voicemail, please leave a message, unless you happen to be Spencer. And if you are Spencer, I would have to tell you to accept my friends no matter what I will end our friendship. Beep,” Brendon quickly answered, instantly coming up with a snappy comeback.

                  “Oh fuck off, Brendon. I’m sorry I was a dick, alright? Truth be told I used to be that guy. I used to be the weird dude who didn’t have any friends, and looked like he rolled out of a dumpster,” Spencer sighs, his voice staticky through Brendon’s speakers, “I think that I should tell you the truth.”

                  “What’s going on, Spence? Do you want me to swing by your house?” Brendon quickly asks, concern flooding his voice. He thought that he knew everything about Spencer at this point.

                  “No—no—no. I can tell you now. Before we met, I was Ryan. I was the creepy guy. My family was poor like Ryan’s is. But then my dad bought a fucking a lottery ticket—yeah a lottery ticket, Brendon—and won a million dollars. My mom and my dad were ecstatic, and then invested most of it in the stock market. We ended up rich because of that, and we moved to Nevada.

                  “I was trying to chase him off because Ryan reminds me of myself and how I used to be, and I don’t want my life to be ever like that before. I’m sorry that I was a dick. It wasn’t my intention, I was just scared. And I also didn’t want you to hurt the poor boy,” Spencer lets out another sigh.

                  “Shit—Spence. I didn’t know. I wish that you would have told me, but I understand why you didn’t. Listen, I forgive you for being a dick, but you need to apologize to Ryan. He seriously thinks that you hate him,” Brendon says as he pulls into his driveway. “He works at D&J’s Bookstore if you want to stop by and tell him yourself. But please, Spence, if you need to tell me anything else, especially something like that, please know that I’m always here for you.”

                  “Thanks, Brendon. Ryan seems like a spitfire for one thing,” Spencer comments with a laugh.

                  “You have no idea, Spence, you have no idea.”

                -

                  “So,” Ryan pinches the bridge of his nose, “you pull up OMS and type in the customer’s information and what book they want to order. Then put in the ISBN number to check if we can deliver it to them, or if it will need to be shipped to us instead. From there you’ll pull the order into POS and then they’ll pay for their order.” He walks over to the printer which is located behind the register. “Then the order form will print out here, to which you’ll hand it to them.”

                  Before Josh left, he had hired a new employee, which he had forgotten to tell Ryan about. So most of Ryan’s first day as being acting manager was being spent on training a new employee on how to do basic things in the bookstore. And although Josh was right that Tara and Ryan did get along this new employee didn’t quite get the gist of what they were doing.

                  “And what happened when we print out the order form?” a lanky fourteen-year-old boy asks. Ryan sighs very close to hitting himself in the head with the entire works of Emily Bronte.

                  “Then the order gets sent to me, and then I will work out either shipping the entire to the customer or shipping it to us at the bookstore, do you understand now, Alex?” Ryan answered, hoping that the boy didn’t notice the annoyance in his voice. Ryan didn’t have a problem training new employees, he just wished that Josh would have told him before he left.

                  “I guess I do now—so when do I get my lunch?”

                  “Listen, why don’t you go help Tara with restocking books that came on the truck today? I’ll be here working on paperwork that Josh sent over,” Ryan answers, directing the new employee to anyplace that wasn’t near him.

                  “Uh—sure,” Alex replies and sulks off in pursuit of Tara. Ryan didn’t realize how hard being acting manager was actually going to be, especially since it wasn’t supposed to be happening. He knew that he wasn’t old enough, and so did Josh. But they both knew how much the bookstore meant to both of them and they didn’t want it to go under, especially if the record contract didn’t work out.

                  Ryan’s attention instantly turns to door as the bell alerts him of a customer. But he grimaces when he realizes that it’s Spencer coming through the door. Somehow he doubted that this wasn’t going to go well, especially considering what he said to him during their first meeting.

                  “Hi,” Spencer quietly says, as he stands in front of the register, “I think that we might have gotten on the wrong foot. I’m Spencer Smith, asshole who probably don’t deserve your attention.”

                  Ryan folds his arms across his chest, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. “Did Brendon tell you to come and try and apologize? Because I’m trying to do my job, which some people need to survive, not like you would understand that or anything.”

                  Spencer sighs, “I probably deserved that, but yes, Brendon did tell me to come and say that I’m sorry, but I also wanted to do it on my accord. I was an asshole to you, and for that I’m sorry. I also wanted to tell you that I used to be like you,” he pauses to wet his lips. “I used to not be able to afford soap or food. My family relied mostly on food pantries, and family to help us out. My parents were both working minimum wage jobs trying to support my brother and sister.

                  “But it wasn’t enough, though, mostly because of me. When I was about five or six my parents noticed that my lymph nodes were super swollen so they took me to our family doctor. My family doctor was concerned, so he removed one of my nodes for a biopsy. It’s a good thing that my doctor checked because it turned out that I had lymphoma—stage 2 Hodgkin’s lymphoma to be more exact—and I was immediately turned into a science experiment because it was super rare for my age group. It normally affects kids from fifteen to twenty but, of course, I somehow got it.

                  “Anyways, they determined that my best case of survival was chemotherapy which is not cheap and also makes you feel like major shit. Like, I’m talking worse than any other hangover you could ever imagine. Also, makes you lose hair like crazy. At one point, my mom was rolling hair off me with a lint roller like a dog. So, they did a few rounds of chemo, and it decreased the cancer cells enough to yank out my nodes. I had finally beat cancer when I was ten which means that I’ll have been cancer free for seven years.

                  “But of course then comes the crushing realization of many medical bills you have to shift through and somehow be able to pay on top of house payments—my parents had even mortgaged their house at one point—and normal expenses. To say that we were struggling was an understatement. Then—it sounds like something out of a fucking inspirational Lifetime movie—my dad bought a lottery ticket and ended up winning a million dollars. They had to spend all of it, but they were smart and invested it into the stock market and somehow ended up tripling their money by the end of the year.

                  “After some time and being smart with stocks, and our money, we moved to Nevada, and we haven’t looked back since. But, the main reason on why I was so shitty to you was because there you were, staring right at me, looking almost exactly how I used to look. I was scared shitless because it was like my past was coming back to haunt me, so I wanted to push you away and scare you away. I didn’t want my past to keep reminding me of what happened. Hell, I didn’t want cancer to come back into my life because it fucking sucked. It still fucking sucks because every time I feel my neck start to hurt, or feel off I think that my cancer is coming back.

                  “And back then, when I was dirt poor, all of the friends I had before just disappeared. Shit—I had the best friends. We made treehouses together, and imagined that we were Pirates protecting our treasure—Goldfish and pizza—from other Pirates,” Spencer sighs, “and I guess that I was trying to save my old self from that heartbreak from people leaving me behind. I didn’t want Brendon to hurt you—or well my old self or—you get the point. But in the end I ended up treating you like shit, and I’m sorry for it. I really truly am,” Spencer ends his confession, feeling like when his doctors made him breathe into a tube to test his breathing ability under pressure.

                  Ryan didn’t know what to say, or even if Brendon knew because he thought if he did that he would tell him. At least he hoped that he would have unless Spencer made him promise not to tell anyone. He also didn’t know how someone like Spencer could have been someone like him. At least like him, but in reverse. From medium income to rags, to riches. It was like Good Will Hunting but with a twist.

                  “Does Brendon know?” Ryan asks, testing his toe into the water.

                  “He knows,” Spencer pauses, “some portions. He knows that I moved here with my family and that we were poor and won our fortune with stocks and a lottery ticket. Neither Brendon nor Jon knows that I used to have cancer and I would prefer them not to know. I don’t need them worrying about me constantly or wondering if I’m okay. I hope that you can keep my secret—at least until I feel comfortable with telling them.”

                  Ryan nods, “I won’t tell either of them, and I forgive you.”

                  Spencer smiles, “Thanks, Ryan.”

                  “So since you know my troubles on a first-hand experience, have you ever tried to fix a guitar with duct tape? Because I could really use your help.” Ryan answers, realizing that this day might actually turn out to be good after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's the truth on why Spencer was such a dick to Ryan. Hope that explained a lot.   
> Only 15 more chapters to go!


	21. Sharpie

                  To say that Ryan was nervous about Brendon coming over for dinner was an understatement. He had spent most of the day trying to make his home at least liveable and had even considered rescheduling until he had more time. But Brendon had reassured him that it was going to be okay and that he didn’t care what his house looked like no matter how many times Ryan tried to convince him otherwise.

                  However, Ryan was still nervous and now regretted asking him to come over for dinner, especially considering that his father just got out of the hospital. Every time Ryan’s father got out of the hospital a barrage of promises and apologies would spill out of his mouth on how he would change. Ryan knew that this wasn’t true, and never got his hopes up. There was once a time when he would believe his father, but then by the end of the night he would start drinking again.

                  “Mom—listen—please try and control Dad, alright? Brendon is a really good friend of mine, and I don’t want him to get scared off because of him,” Ryan frantically says, as he set up their makeshift kitchen table. The kitchen table was on its last leg—literally and figurally—they had propped up a piece of wood to keep the other side up.

                  His mother sighs, “Ryan, your father will be fine. He promised to really quit this time, and I believe him.”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes at his mother’s naiveté, “That’s the problem, though. We believe him too much and then he’ll pull some shit that results in him being put in the hospital again.” He puts down the paper plates on the table and mentally checks his list of things that needed to happen. Food—grilled cheese and soup—was done, cleaning—as best as he could do—was done, but he knew that was so much more that he should have done to at least impress Brendon a little bit.

                  “Ryan—Ryan—you’re driving yourself crazy. Your friend will either be okay with our house and us or they won’t. And if they don’t, then fuck them,” his mother says with a smile, and pulls her son into a spine crushing hug. “I’m sorry that we’re in this situation, but your father said that he’ll change.”

                  Ryan didn’t have the heart to tell her that his father had already walked to the nearest liquor store and picked up a six-pack of Coors Lite.

                -

                  “Spencer, I promise that I won’t insult them for what their house looks like. I’m not _that_ horrible,” Brendon says with a roll of his eyes. Ever since he told Spencer that he was having dinner at Ryan’s house, Spencer had been hammering into him to not say anything potentially hurtful.

                  “Fine—fine, I trust you. Just remember—“

                  “I know, Spence. You know what it’s like to be like Ryan, and how people were nasty and vicious to you, but I’ve changed, I promise,” he replies with an annoyed sigh.

                  “Have you told your parents that you made a new friend? That’s the ultimate test. Because you haven’t told them yet, then that’s a bad sign and you shoul—“

                  “Goodbye Spencer,” Brendon states quickly hanging up the phone call. It was okay that he didn’t call his parents yet, he thought to himself. They hadn’t asked him what was going on with his life, and he didn’t offer. He wasn’t lying about Ryan or keeping him a secret, he was just choosing not to tell them about him. It was just as simple as that. He had nothing to be ashamed about, right?”

                  Brendon groaned, “God damn it, Spencer making me feel like shit.” He promised to himself that he would call them after dinner and tell them.

                -

                  Ryan’s father had decided to not attend dinner and just stay in his bedroom, and he wasn’t going to object to his decision. That’s another thing that he got from his father—antisocial behavior. Ryan was actually secretly happy that he decided to not join them. It meant that Brendon could meet a parent that gave a shit about him, also it meant that they didn’t have such small portions.

                  Brendon parks his car, quickly wishing that he had an older car that didn’t draw that much attention to him. When he bought his car, though, that was quite opposite. He wanted a car that would stand out and draw attention to him and make everyone jealous.

                  He undoes his seatbelt and grabs the flower bouquet that he picked up from a local flower shop. Whenever Ryan had mentioned his parents, he always spoke fondly of his mother for the most part so he was hoping that he could impress her at the very least. He gets out of his car and locks his doors. Here goes nothing, he thought to himself.

                -

                  As soon as Brendon met Ryan’s mother he knew where Ryan must have gotten all of his good traits from. She was warm, open, and kind, quite like Jon is, except that she doesn’t have a full bushy beard. And even though time wasn’t kind on her appearance, she still radiated positivity and had youthful eyes. Ryan’s mother was a spitting image of him, if only he was a female.

                  “Um—I brought flowers for you. I hear that’s what you’re supposed to do when you go over to someone’s place for dinner. My parents aren’t home very often and my friends and I normally just eat out. So uh—here,” Brendon thrusts the flowers towards Ryan’s mother.

                  “That’s very thoughtful of you, but you really didn’t need to do that,” she takes the flowers from Brendon. “I’ll go put these in water, I’ll be right back. Behave yourselves, boys,” she says with a smile then walks off into their living room.

                  “So, this is the kitchen then,” Brendon breaks the silence and stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans, as he examines the peeling wallpaper, and the makeshift kitchen table.

                  “Yeah—it sucks, but at least it’s better than my room. I like to think that my room is the place that you just crawl to when you’re about to die,” Ryan replies with a shrug of his shoulders. While cleaning he had tried to scrub the walls with a brillo pad and bleach but those words were still there.

                  Brendon was instantly curious. It was something to know a good bit about someone, but it was completely different once you saw someone’s bedroom. It was personal, intimate, and crossing a line that he did want to cross. “Can I see it?”

                  “Um—,” Ryan struggled to come up with an excuse, “maybe after dinner if you haven’t been scared off by my mom’s cooking yet.”

                  Brendon grins, “You haven’t tasted my cooking yet. I literally set a microwave on fire because I decided that I really wanted Spaghetti-O’s and didn’t realize that metal should not go in a microwave. My parents freaked out, but I think it was one of my finest accomplishments.”

                  “I have a worse story than that. I once got stuck in a swing at the local playground—“

                  “Aww, are you telling him about the time you got stuck in a swing at the playground because your pre-school teacher put you in wrong and they had to call the fire department because your legs were too chubby to just slide you out," Ryan’s mother quickly interrupts with an all knowing smile. She hadn’t gotten to do this since Shane become her son’s friend and she was determined to embarrass her son as best she could.

                  “Mom! Brendon doesn’t want to hear about my embarrassing childhood, do you, Brendon?” Ryan quickly asks, and looks over to him, hoping that he could read his mind.

                  Brendon’s mouth breaks out into a huge smile, “What? Ryan, why would I want to do that? I would love to hear more stories about you being a Pillsbury dough baby.”

                  Ryan grits his teeth, “I am going to kill both of you.” Brendon and Ryan’s mother both laugh.

                -

                  “So what do you parents do then, Brendon?” Ryan’s mother asks as she throws away their plates in the trash.

                  Brendon shrugs his shoulders, “I really don’t know to be honest with you. My dad used to be a lawyer until he realized how much more fun traveling around the world was. My mom went to college for a degree in Astrophysics but never used it because soon after she had my brother Brent. I think that she was upset that she couldn’t actually study in her field at first, but started to like the idea that she could just travel the world with my dad and not have a care in the world.”

                  Ryan’s mother nodded, “I’ve always wanted to do that. Travel the world, explore different cultures, things like that. When my mother was still alive, we went to England when I was around two and I visited my godmother while I was over there. That’s the extent of my exploring the world.”

                  “So, Mrs. Ross—“

                  “Call me Danielle, that Mrs. Business stuff makes me feel older than I should feel,” she dismisses with a wave of her hand.“Only people at the hospital call me Mrs. Ross, and since you’re Ryan’s friend I don’t believe in all that formal stuff.”

                  “Okay,” Brendon says hesitantly, “Danielle, do you have any more childhood stories about Ryan?” he asks with a grin.

                  Ryan,who was staring at the peeling wallpaper and wondering how it would feel just to rip it down, instantly interrupts, “Please no more mom. Haven’t you gotten enough your quota in with him already?”

                  “Well, I never got to do it with Josh because every time I brought it up you said that he was always busy with Debby and the bookstore. I haven’t gotten to embarrass you since Shane came around. Whatever happened to him? He was such a nice boy,” Danielle adds as wipes her hands off with a dirty towel.

                  “Mom, I told you, we just drifted apart,” Ryan replies, his teeth gritting. He had told his mother part of the truth, and that they just drifted apart. He didn’t tell her that it was because he couldn’t afford to keep going out with Shane and spending money they didn’t have and that he was tired of Shane having to pay for him.

                  “Why don’t you try and get back in touch with him? I’m sure that Brendon and Shane would get along very well,” Danielle says, not noticing how uncomfortable Ryan is, but Brendon did and quickly jumps  to his defense. 

                  “Hey, Ryan? Didn’t you want to show me your room?” Brendon asks quickly changing to a subject that would be a little bit easier for him to talk about.

                  Ryan glares at Brendon, not wanting to give in, but also knowing that it was the only way that he would be able to escape this conversation with his mother. He eventually gives in.

                  “Yeah—mom we’ll talk about this later, alright?” Ryan answers his mother, and pulls Brendon by the arm, dragging him past the living room—peeling wallpaper, pieces of the wall falling off, and a couch that looked like it could have been used in the eighteen hundreds—and the dining room.

                  Ryan hopes that Brendon hadn’t noticed many features of the house except for the kitchen because there’s where he spent most of his time cleaning. He hadn’t expected that he would be taking him into his room with his dirty mattress, Powerpuff comforter, and the walls that had helped him in the past. He didn’t want his new friend to see what he was actually going through.

                  “Listen—my room is not what your room looks like, in fact, it’s worse than what you’ve seen before. I like to write on my walls,” Ryan whispers.

                  “What do you mean by write on the walls?” Brendon asks, his voice full of questions. Brent had once taken a black sharpie to a pure white French Heritage couch that had costed around fifty grand at the time because he was angry that their parents had grounded him. They grounded him for two extra months.

                  Ryan sighs, and opens the door, and waves Brendon in. He didn’t want this to be happening. It was one thing to be friends with someone new. It was something entirely different to be welcoming someone into his room, into one of the only places where he felt safe. The place where his nightmares used to take ahold of him for so long. The place where his songs were put on full display.

                  As soon as Brendon walked into Ryan’s room he was overwhelmed by the smell, and then the words on the walls which covered nearly every inch. If he had walked into a room like this without any kind of explanation, he would have expected that the owner of the room would have to be mentally insane. But after meeting Ryan and knowing what he was going through he understood.

                  Ryan stands in the doorway, fiddling with his fingers, “I told you that I liked to write on the walls,” he says with a nervous laugh.

                  “I can tell,” Brendon says with a laugh, “do they help stop the nightmares?” He runs his hand along the bumpy wall as if he is trying to soak in the words only by touch.

                  “Yeah, and you also helped with the nightmares too. I was able to wake up and you would be there behind the keyboard. You had helped me a lot with dealing with everything even though we had never really exchanged any personal information,” Ryan replies and closes the door behind him.

                  Brendon continues to run his hand along the wall, realizing that some of the words were things that he had said, “It’s like you wrote a giant conversation on your walls and never finished it,” he pauses when he sees his name on the wall.

                  Ryan scratches the back of his neck awkwardly when he sees what he’s looking at, “I wrote that after you cornered me in the bathroom. I wanted to make sure that I never forgot about it and who took my first kiss.”

                  At that moment, Brendon had never felt shittier, “I’m sorry for stealing that away from you. Your first kiss should have been with someone who you really cared about, not a shitty rich guy who only did it because he was self-conscious about himself.”

                  “How are you self-conscious? You’ve got everything in life. You’ve got amazing friends, an amazing home, and enough money to last you for your entire lifetime.”

                  Brendon sighs, and turns to face Ryan, “My ribs are too bony, my elbows are so pointy I could kill someone with them, my lips are too big, I’m not tall enough, and my ass is too big.”

                  “Write it down,” Ryan instantly replies, and throws a Sharpie to Brendon. “Write it down on the wall. It’ll help you.”

                  Brendon was shocked as he caught the Sharpie. He didn’t want to ruin Ryan’s coping mechanism by adding his own problems to it. “Ryan—I can’t. This is part of you. I can’t just write my own problems down on your walls.”

                  Ryan shrugs his shoulders, “You’re part of my life, Brendon. It sounds fucking corny, but you’re a part of me now. Now write it down now before I make you.”

                  The older boy rolls his eyes, “Is this the moment where hot angry sex is supposed to happen?”

                  “Oh shut up,” Ryan says teasingly, “and write it down.”

                  Brendon sighs, and opens the Sharpie and places the tip to the wall, knowing that he was crossing a major line. But as he wrote his self-conscious feelings on that giant art piece he knew that he was okay with it. He was okay with not being okay with himself.

                  Ryan watches Brendon as he writes his feelings down, and he knows that this is it. This is the moment where his life can never go back to what it was before. He slides up next to Brendon and takes the Sharpie out of his hand.

                  “Do you feel better now?” Ryan asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

                  Brendon nods, “I can see how it makes you feel better. It’s like writing a letter to a friend that you’re angry with but never sending it.”

                  “I’m glad that you made me bring you in here.”

                  “Me too.”

                  “Hey, Brendon?”

                  “Yeah?”

                  “Can I kiss you?”

                  “I thought you would never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So this is one of my favorite chapters as well, and you'll probably understand why as you read it.   
> I'm starting to slow down how many chapters I post because I want to make sure I have enough material till Christmas.   
> So I'll post one chapter twice a week, probably every Sunday/Wednesday. It just depends on my work schedule.   
> Once again, thanks so much for the comments! The fic is completely edited, and I'm tinkering around with another fic that's a LOT different than this one.


	22. Penthouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hi! So, I know that I'm a little late with uploading, but I've been busy with work. And writing a new fic that I hope you'll like. But I just wanted to thank you for the amazing words, and the amazing support. It's astonishing that I left Firewall for more than a year, and my old readers, and new ones have found me. You have no idea how amazing it feels to see new comments on this story, and know that people like this fic. 
> 
> And I know that this fic will never be a THROAM, or a FL, or a Missing In Action, but I'm still proud of this weird little fic. Speaking of new fics though, I'll be uploading a sneak peek of a new fic soon. It's a LOT different than this one, and it comes with a HUGE trigger warning/Rape/Non Con. So if you can't handle that, please don't read it. It also has little to no smut scenes. I really hope that the new story will feature some things that you'll love, and have never seen before. 
> 
> So, enough of my babbling, here's Chapter 22, and it's a doozy, and so is Chapter 23!

                  The next morning at school Spencer had welcomed Ryan with a coffee from Starbucks, which Ryan gladly took. After last night, Ryan should have slept soundly but he was up all night remembering his kiss with Brendon and his stomach still felt full of butterflies.

                  “So are you dressing up for Halloween, Ryan?” Spencer asked him as he gulped down his coffee. Last year Spencer had dressed up as an angel, which wasn’t a surprise to anyone. That is except his parents who hoped that he would pick a costume that would at least hide most of his ass. Lots of children were scarred that Halloween.

                  “Probably not,” Ryan replies, taking a sip of coffee—black just like he liked it—”I’ll probably end up working. But when I was younger my mom would go all out for Halloween. She would even make me costumes.”

                  “That’s so cool. You should ask her if she could make one for me. But it has to show as much skin as possible, the ladies love it,” the older boy says with a wink, “I’m pretty sure that Jon and Cassie are doing another couple costume this year. Last year they went as peanut butter and jelly. Many jokes were made on if Cassie’s jelly tasted good or not.”

                  “That is awful, and you should be ashamed of yourself,” Ryan teased as he checked the clock—hoping that the kiss last night hadn’t freaked Brendon out enough to not come into school.

                -

                  Brent had sent Brendon another postcard. This time from New York City. It had been at least a year since his brother had sent him anything and all this postcard said was miss you. His brother didn’t tell him if he was living the life he wanted, or even if he was okay. All he got was a miss you, and he was fucking furious. He was so furious that he wanted to drive to New York and find some way to get in touch with him just so that he could tell him to his face.

                  But he relented. He knew that driving up to New York on a school day would freak his parents out. And he had no idea where in New York Brent was, or even if he was still there. It was postmarked three days prior so it could be possible that he could have just stopped in a store, picked up a postcard and sent it off then continued moving. He did want to eventually find him, maybe over Christmas break.

                -

                  Brendon hadn’t shown up for school that day but as Ryan heard the door open to the bookstore, he knew it was him. He didn’t even need to look up from their schedule of events for October.

                  “I missed you at school,” Ryan says, as he continues to look down at the summary for the parade they were hosting. "Alarm not go off?”

                  The older boy quickly walks up to the counter, and slaps down the postcard, “Brent sent me another postcard from New York City. I need to go. Will you come with me?”

                  Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed, and he looks up at Brendon, “I would love to, Brendon. I would love to see the Statue of Liberty, and be tourists, but I have school, and I have to take care of the bookstore. Josh left me in charge.”

                  “It would just be for a long weekend. I’ll book airline tickets, we could book a hotel—a really fancy one—and you could meet Brent. You would have so much fun, and we could see a Broadway show. I hear that Newsies is really good. You could even bring your mom along with you and—“

                  “Brendon, I’m sorry, but I can’t go. I have to be responsible. I can’t just leave,” Ryan sighs, hating to break his friend’s heart, “and your parents would know what’s going on. I’m assuming that most of your money comes from the allowance they give you.”

                  “Ryan, I need to see him, and I can’t go alone. Don’t make me beg Jon or Spencer. Spencer gets air sickness and Jon would insist on bringing Cassie along,” Brendon pleaded. “We could even go to the New York Public Library, which is _huge_.”

                  Ryan could tell that Brendon’s ADD was acting up and that he really did need him. But he also knew that leaving behind the bookstore for a long weekend was not something he could just do at the drop of a hat. It was possible that he could leave Tara behind to take over the store. She was the most responsible and had even been there longer than Ryan had, and also was able to legally take over. But—

                  “Okay fine. I’ll go but—“

                  “You will not regret it, Ryan Ross!” Brendon exclaims and kisses Ryan’s cheek, quickly skipping out of the store, his brain not catching up with what just happened.

                  “Shit—what have I done?” Ryan groans.

                -

                  By the time Ryan got done work, Brendon was already waiting for him to take him home. Ryan hated the idea, and was completely okay with just walking home, but Brendon had insisted.

                  “Listen we should talk about—,“ Ryan was quickly interrupted by Brendon’s lips on his, Ryan’s body instantly went into overdrive, and all plans for talking about their trip to New York went out the window. Brendon smiles into the kiss and knows that this is natural and that butterflies in his stomach are what kisses are meant to consist of. Not sloppy nothings that don’t mean anything.

                  Brendon pulls back to breathe, “So, I think that we should talk,” he states with a small laugh.

                  “Fuck that,” Ryan replies, and pulls him back into another kiss, this one more forceful, which he hoped was okay. He couldn’t believe that he waited this long for this and how he survived without it for so long. Brendon slid his tongue on top of Ryan’s, eliciting a moan from Ryan. The older boy felt tingles down his entire body and knew that this was turning into something that probably shouldn’t happen on a sidewalk in front of a bookstore.

                  Brendon pulled back, instantly missing the feeling of Ryan’s lips on his, “We should um—we should talk. For real this time.”

                  Ryan nodded, his lips swollen and red as he took in shallow breaths, “Your place?”

                -

                  As soon as Brendon opened the door to his house, he took Ryan by the hand up to his room, passing by Brent’s old room, and his parents’ room. He didn’t feel as much pressure as he did when he was seeing Ryan’s room for the first time.

                  Brendon’s room was tidy—at least he thought it was—painted white and looked like the cover for a furniture catalog. There was a fifty inch HDTV that hung from the wall, two bedside tables, a wooden desk that had a hutch attached to it, a brand new Macbook Pro, and a multitude of posters and pictures of his friends attached to the walls. It was nothing like Ryan’s room.

                  “So you have everything that I don’t,” Ryan chuckles and then squeezes Brendon’s hand. “If this thing doesn’t work out remind me to rob you before I leave.”

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, “It’s all provided by my parents. I don’t get anything until I turn eighteen. That’s when the inheritance kicks in just like every rich child.” Brendon squeezes Ryan’s hand back.

                  Ryan sighs, not wanting to talk about what just happened at the bookstore, and the previous night, “We should talk about us, Brendon, because I want to know where we stand at. I can’t go off with you to New York City without knowing.”

                  Brendon nodded, and pulls Ryan over to his bed, and then sits down on the blue comforter, “I like you. I think that you know that, and I think that you might like me too, at least judging on how much you like kissing me.”

                  Ryan sits down next to him, and playfully pushes him, “Anyone ever tell you that you’re full of yourself?”

                  Brendon shakes his head no, smiling, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I am the most humble person you will ever meet. Statues should even be built in my honor.”

                  “Oh, now you’re pushing it, Urie,” Ryan says with a smile, and then pauses, “but yes, I do like you. At least more than a friend at this point. And I think that it might scare me because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. Am I supposed to sing to you like a shitty rom-com? Or hold a boombox up to your window? Or am I supposed to—“

                  Ryan once again is interrupted by Brendon’s lips, to which he instantly kisses back, but then quickly pulls back, “And I like kissing you—a lot—but I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. I don’t even know what a date even is or if we can go on without our parents seeing us.”

                  “I doubt that your mom would care. I think that she might even know that you’re into guys already, and would probably be okay with you flying off to New York,” Brendon replies with a shrug, “but if you want, we could go out in New York. They don’t care what you’re doing. I do like you, and I want to try thi—us. I don’t know all of the answers, and how this would work, but I do want to be with you. And I hope that you’re okay with that because the airline tickets aren’t refundable.”

                  “Well it’s a good thing I don’t have that much stuff to pack, isn’t it?”

                -

                  It took some convincing of both Brendon and Ryan to convince Ryan’s mother to let him fly off to New York City. But after Brendon promised to keep Ryan safe, and that they call her all of the time she finally let him. And after Ryan talked to Tara and told her that it was a family emergency she quickly came around and told him to take all of the time he needed.

                  So now Ryan and Brendon sat in the first-class section of an airplane that was getting ready to fly off to John F Kennedy Airport. And to say that Ryan was scared shitless was an understatement.

                  “Brendon—what if—what if we fall into the water, and then we end up dying? Josh will be so mad that I left the bookstore with Tara? Or my mom will be so angry because I didn’t tell her that we’re together and—“

                  “Ryan. Relax. Sit back and relax. I’ve been on more planes than I can remember. We’ll be alright. Now help me plan on where we’re going to hit first to try and find Brent,” Brendon reassures him, and takes Ryan’s hand in his, rubbing little circles into his palm.

                  After finalizing plans with Ryan, and Tara, and telling Jon and Spencer that they were going to miss Halloween, Brendon went on a mission to try and find where Brent could possibly be. He didn’t accomplish much but he was able to track down the post office that received his brother’s postcard. They weren’t able to give him much information except for telling him that Brent dropped off the postcard in a mailbox, and which mailbox he dropped it off at.

                  Brendon then mapped out where the mailbox was, and the closet apartments. He was able to research the apartments online, and called each tenant to find out if anyone knew of Brent, but no one did. Once Ryan learned of all of the work Brendon had accomplished in only a few days he was amazed. It proved to him even more that Brendon was smart, he just needed to fuel that into something he was interested in.

                  “Can we at least get checked into our hotel first before we search for your brother?” Ryan whines, “I understand that you wanted to leave first thing Saturday, but I don’t know why you made it at 4 in the morning.”

                  “Sure—sure,” Brendon waves him off, “so, I figure that once we get settled into the hotel, we can eat—room service if you want—then set off to find Brent. I’ve already marked down possible spots where he could be.”

                  Ryan half-heartedly nods, and closes his eyes, not really paying attention to what his boyfriend was saying anymore. He was tired, and he knew that jetlag was going to wreck his entire sleep schedule and end up wrecking the entire trip as a result. Although he knew that the only thing that could really wreck the trip was Brendon not finding Brent, which was extremely possible. New York City was a huge city, and he might have just been passing by. But he didn’t want to break Brendon’s heart, so he didn’t talk about the possible bad outcomes.

                  Brendon glances over at Ryan, who had stopped replying to him, and realizes that he’s completely lost his boyfriend from talking about Brent. He didn’t want it to make it seem like the trip was only about finding his brother because he was excited to explore the city with Ryan as well.

                  “While we’re in the city what do you want to visit? Statue of Liberty? Couple of museums? FAO Schwarz? Maybe even the Hershey’s Store in Times Square?” Brendon quizzed Ryan, hoping to distract him from the fact that they were about to take off.

                  “I want to visit the hotel so that I can sleep,” Ryan grumbles. “You said that it’s pretty fancy didn’t you?”

                  Brendon nods, “Four Seasons is really nice—“

                  Ryan sits straight up in his seat, “You did not book the Four Seasons! I thought I told you to book a hotel that didn’t cost a thousand fucking dollars a night,” Ryan exclaims.

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, and pulls out a copy of Skymall from the seat in front of him, “Hotels are something that I don’t skimp on—ever—you never know what could be on these seats—bedbugs, fleas, lice—you just never really know. And The Four Seasons makes that you’re taken care of. I also wanted to make sure that your first visit to New York was amazing.”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, “I appreciate the effort and trying to make things amazing for me, but I don’t need much. Just book me into a Motel 6 and I’m fine.”

                  Brendon scoffs, “Motel 6? More like Motel Hell.”

                  “You’re turning into another rich spoiled boy, Brendon,” Ryan replies and then lays back in his chair. “So when are we supposed to—“

                  “Ladies and gentleman, as we start our take off, please make sure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Please turn off all electronic devices until we otherwise told. Thank you,” the pilot squeaks through the in plane’s intercom system.

                  “Shit—shit—shit. Brendon I can’t do this. We’re going to die. We’re going to fall into the ocean and I’m going to die a virgin,” Ryan’s panic quickly set in after hearing the announcement. “Planes aren’t meant to fly. They are big, and heavy, and they should not be flying.”

                  Brendon leans across the chair, and kisses Ryan’s forehead, “I’ve been on thousands of planes, from private jets, to little planes that must have not been safe to fly and I haven’t die. We aren’t going to die now, and we aren’t to die on our way back either,” he quickly assures his passenger. “Now why don’t you listen to our pilot and put on your seatbelt?”

                -

                  “Okay, I’m pretty sure I lost feeling in my left hand during that flight,” Brendon grimaced as he stretched his fingers. “You’re stronger than you look, Ry.”

                  “It wasn’t my fault that the plane was doing that funky thing where it bounces,” Ryan exclaimed, as they walked down the jetway leading out into the airport.

                  Brendon can’t help but chuckle. “It’s called turbulence, and it only happens sometimes. You just got lucky to experience it your first time flying.”

                  “Well it sucked that I don’t want it to happen again,” Ryan adds with a pout on his face.

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, “Alright now we just need to grab our bags from the baggage claim. Luckily we didn’t pack all that much so it shouldn’t take too long to get our bags.”

                  When they step out from their jetway Ryan is instantly overwhelmed by how busy the airport is and how noisy it is. His mother had told him that it would be overwhelming but he didn’t know that he wouldn’t even be able to talk back and forth with Brendon.

                  “Seems like it’s a busy season,” Brendon yells into Ryan’s ear and then takes him by the hand. “Let’s go get our bags.”

                -

                  By the time they found their bags, it was around ten in the morning and Ryan was starving and wasn’t in the mood for taking pictures with Brendon to send back to his mom.

                  “If you make me take one more fucking picture I will shove your iPhone 5s up your ass and you won’t be able to find it for days,” Ryan growled at his boyfriend.

                  “Save that for the bedroom, Ryan,” Brendon said with a wink, “I’m just taking pictures to send back to your mom and to remember this trip. That reminds me, we need to call her when we get to the hotel to make sure that she knows that you’re safe and haven’t been kidnapped.”

                  “We can do that after sleeping and eating, or maybe doing both,” Ryan mumbles. Since meeting Brendon he had grown accustomed to eating more often, and eating healthier than he had in a while. He didn’t want to say that he had become his sugar daddy, but he had in a way. Brendon was paying for everything, and Ryan hated it. It was like a repeat with Shane, but at least Brendon isn’t a homophobe like Shane ended up being.

                  “Cheer up, Ryan! We’re in New York, can’t you feel the hope and joy?”

                  “I can feel my foot in your as—“

                  “Okay! Let’s find us a taxi, shall we?”

                  Brendon pulls Ryan along to the exit of the airport while Ryan grumbles the entire time on why they couldn’t have stopped for something to eat at the Starbucks in the airport. But once he set foot outside of the airport he didn’t feel quite so hungry anymore. He felt inspired.

                  “Welcome to New York, Ryan,” Brendon grins, “one of my favorite places in the world. Now let’s eat and sleep.”

                -

                  As the taxi drove by all of the tall buildings, and the stores that Ryan could never even dream of seeing he understood that even though he was tired and hungry, this was something that he shouldn’t ever forget. New York was one of Brendon’s places in the world and was quickly becoming one of Ryan’s too. Taxis, however, were not becoming one of Ryan’s favorite things at all. Luckily their taxi was a shorter ride than either of the boys expected, and their driver—Jacob—was pulling up to the Four Seasons before either of them got to experience the view.

                  “One oh six please,” their driver grumbled, “do you need any assistance in getting your bag out of your trunk, boys?” This was one of the only times that their driver had actually spoken so the boys had guessed that it was probably best to just help themselves.

                  “Taxi prices really have gone up since I was last here,” Brendon comments mostly to himself, and pulled out his wallet, quickly handing their taxi fare to their driver.“ Thanks for the ride.” Brendon and Ryan scramble out of the car and collect their bags from the trunk of the car before their driver tries to hand them his business card.

                  “Shit, I didn’t know that you even had that much on you,” Ryan whispers to Brendon after the taxi had sped off, “I don’t even have that much in my bank account—well actually no I might have negative hundred in my bank account instead.”

                  “Don’t worry about money on this trip, alright? I’m treating you to the city, and the first step is being smoothed by the bellboy and the receptionist,” Brendon replies. “Now shall we be pampered like we deserve?”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, a smile peeking out of the side of his mouth, “Lead the way.”

                -

                  “I still can’t believe that you convinced the receptionist that you were here because you were meeting your parents and that they were going to join you later this weekend,” Ryan snorts as they were standing the elevator with their trolley loaded up with their bags. “What happens when they don’t show up?”

                  “Chances are he won’t be working when we leave. Since I basically grew up in hotels, I know how they work. He’ll work for two days, and then he’ll be off for two days. It’s a revolving schedule because the guests want to have the illusion that there’s so many employees willing to help them, when really it’s a very small amount,” Brendon answers with a shrug of his shoulders.

                  “So,” Ryan pauses to look at the elevator’s push pad. “Is there a reason why you booked us on the 52nd floor? Isn’t that part of the penthouse suit—if you booked us for a penthouse suite I’m pushing you off the side of the building.”

                  “But how would you get home?” Brendon teases, “and maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I know that New York City has an amazing skyline which is just dying to be seen, or maybe I knew that spending this much money on a trip would freak you out. So, maybe.”

                  Brendon booked the penthouse. 

 


	23. Three Little Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to upload Chapter 23 now because I might possibly not be able to upload on Thursday due to work.   
> Plus this chapter honestly made me cry while I was writing it. It means a LOT to me, and I imagine that you'll see why.

                  After Ryan had gotten over the initial shock of how fancy the room looked, and how he was afraid that he was going to break everything with just the wrong step, he got used to it and loved it. Which he didn’t like. He didn’t like that he was growing used to a life where he could afford things like expensive hotel rooms, and trips to New York because he was still waiting for the shoe to drop. He was waiting for the horrible moment when Brendon would decide that they weren’t supposed to be together after all and Ryan would be left behind.

                  But for the time being Ryan was curled up in a comfy chair in the library as he read off the room service menu. Brendon had insisted that they take advantage of the menu after Ryan mentioned that he had never had room service before. Ryan wasn’t completely against it as long as he was able to stay in the hotel. He wasn’t ready to venture out into New York City quite yet.

                  “Waffles sound good, but so do the roasted potatoes with eggs—but then there’s omelet,” Ryan gnaws at his bottom lip. “What should I get Brendon?”

                  “The waffles are good, and they come with vanilla ice cream as well,” Brendon replies, completely stretched out on a couch near Ryan. “Don’t fill up too much, though. We still need to have some New York Style pizza, which is _ah-mazing_.”

                  “We still have time, Brendon. We have until Monday night to do all of these you want to do. Let’s not rush things,” Ryan says with a sigh. “Now what do you want to eat? Do you want waffles too?”

                  “Can I be honest with you, Ryan?”

                  Ryan looks up from the menu towards Brendon, “Of course you can. What’s up?”

                  “I don’t think that we’re going to find Brent. It’s impossible to find one single person who you haven’t heard from in a year,” Brendon admitted. “I was mostly excited to take you because I know that you haven’t been to any place really all that exciting, but that I’m here I’m scared that I won’t be able to ever find my brother.”

                  Ryan lets out a heavy sigh, and puts the menu down on the glass table, and quickly pushes Brendon over, lying down next to him on the couch, “Listen here, Brendon Boyd Urie. We were key pals before we even knew each other were. What’s the odds of that? Completely impossible for the most part. We will find Brent, and he will accept you for whoever you want, and that’s that. Now. What do you want for breakfast and how exactly do I call room service? I’m scared of the phone.”

                -

                  After Ryan and Brendon finished their breakfast, they didn’t intend to fall asleep, but they ended up doing just that, eventually waking up only after hearing Brendon’s phone go off.

                  “Nugh,” Brendon mumbles into Ryan’s chest, “go answer the phone. It’s probably your mother.”

                  “I’m your responsibility, you go answer the phone,” Ryan mumbles back into Brendon’s hair. They were a tangle of body parts and blankets and neither one of them wanted to move.

                  “She’s your mother, go answer it.”

                  “But Brendon I’m so comfy and warm and—“

                  “Go answer the phone, Ryan.”

                  Ryan groans, eventually finding the strength to find Brendon’s phone and answer it, “Hello?”

                  “Hello? Who are you and why do you have my son’s cell phone?” a shrill voice answered back on the phone, and Ryan almost jumped out of his skin.

                  “Uh—hi. I’m Ryan. It’s nice to me—er be talking to you. Brendon has told me so much about you and—“

                  “Could you please put my son on the phone?” the shrill voice quickly interrupts Ryan, to which Ryan practically flings the phone off to Brendon and runs off to find the farthest part of the room so that he doesn’t have to hear what’s about to happen.

                  “Hello?”

                  “Hello,  Brendon.  Your father and I have gotten home and realized that you’re not home. Where are you, and what are you doing with that strange boy I was just talking with?” his mother asks him, her voice short and curt. Here it comes, Brendon thought to himself. At least it was best to tell her now that he was out of the house for a few days. And it wasn’t that big of a deal that Ryan was his friend, but what came out of his mouth was a much bigger deal than just telling his parents that he had a found a new friend.

                  “He’s my boyfriend,” Brendon blurted out, without knowing what was happening. It was as if his actual heart was speaking for him. Shit, Brendon thought to himself, what did he do? This was going to mess up the entire trip and then—

                  “Oh,” his mother pauses, for what feels like an hour for Brendon, “why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have met with his parents first to make sure that this was okay with them. You have at least to tell me what’s going on with your life so I know how to prepare.”

                  Brendon was dumbfounded and wondered if his parents had been replaced with new parents like that show Disney used to make—The Replacements—or if aliens had finally come down to Earth and were taking his parents with them.

                  “You’re—you’re not going to disown me?” Brendon’s voice was above a squeak at this moment. “I thought that you were going to disown me like you did Brent when he wanted to start playing music.”

                  There’s a long sigh over the phone, “Brendon, your father and I love you and Brent so much, and we miss him every day, but there’s some stuff that you don’t know about your brother before he left. Maybe it would be best if we discuss this after you come back from New York.”

                  “How’d—how’d you know that I was in New York?”

                  His mother laughs, this time one full of warm, “Did you really think that your father I wouldn’t get notifications letting us know that you were using your allowance on airfare and hotels. We’ve actually known since you first bought the airline tickets. We had hoped that you would call us to let us what was going on, but we know now why you didn’t tell us. But we’re glad that you choose to tell us now instead of just keeping it a secret for the rest of your life.”

                  Brendon was still confused and on the verge of tears, “Mom—mommy, I thought that you were going to hate me. I thought that you were going to disown me or send me to some conversion camp.”

                  “You’re still my son, Brendon. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight, bisexual, asexual, transgender, or even a homeless musician—I will always love you no matter. Now go have fun with your boyfriend, and I hope that I didn’t scare him off too much,” she finishes with a laugh.

                  “Yeah—yeah, mom. I love you too. Talk to you later,” he whispers and hangs up his phone with shaking hands. He doesn’t even need to call Ryan’s name because he’s already there, pulling him into a bear hug. “I—I thought that she was going to hate me. I thought that I was going to end up homeless or have to marry someone I didn’t love doing something that I hated. Ry—Ry,” he trails off, finally giving into the crying that he had held back on for years.

                  “Just let it out, Brendon, let it out,” Ryan whispers into Brendon’s ear as he strokes his boyfriend’s hair. “Everything is going to be just fine.” As Ryan sat there on the couch that was probably getting ruined by Brendon’s crying, he realized that he was Brendon’s wall. And he couldn’t be happier about it.

                -

                  “I can’t believe that you actually brought Disney movies with you,” Ryan exasperated as he unpacked their bags. “I knew that you loved your childhood and everything, but bringing them along with on a trip with your boyfriend? Don’t you think that’s a tad weird?”

                  “You never know when you need an emergency fix of Aladdin, _boyfriend_ ,” Brendon replies, a giant smile splayed across his face. It took a while to perk him up after the phone call with his mother, but after everything settled he was back to himself. And now he was taking every chance he could to call Ryan his boyfriend. He even felt the urge to open the doors to their outdoor patio and scream to all of New York but Ryan quickly nixed the idea.

                  “Yeah—yeah—whatever,” Ryan said with a roll of his eyes. “So I was thinking that we could just set out looking for Brent tomorrow and stay in tonight. I know that I’m exhausted and I’m sure that you are too. We might end up using your Disney movies for good after all.”

                  “About Brent,” Brendon said with a small sigh, “I think that we should forget about looking for him for the time being. My mom told me that there’s some stuff that I don’t know and that we should talk about it when I get home. I would much rather know all of the facts before we just go searching for him. Plus that leaves us more time to explore the city together!”

                  “As long as you’re paying,” Ryan said teasingly, “because I have no way to pay for anything.”

                  Brendon pulls Ryan towards him by the front of his shirt, “I think I might know of a way that you can pay me back. It does require some work, though—oh my god that sounded so much like a fucking creepy porno that I freaked myself out.”

                  “Am I the cute blonde who can’t pay for her pizza and then ends having to pay for it with sex?” Ryan quickly responds. “Because I can totally play the part if you get me a blonde wig.”

                  “Ryan Ross,” Brendon scoffs, “I never would have guessed you for the stereotypical porn viewer. I would have guessed that you would watch high-class porn where all of the men would have proper grammar and would only moan in complete sentences.”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, “Oh fuck off, Brendon.”

                  “I would, but the only thing I have for viewing material is Disney movies, and even I’m not that messed to get off to get turned on by Aladdin,” Brendon said and then stuck his tongue out at Ryan.

                  “Look, I’ve never actually watched gay porn before, so my preferences were mostly geared to trying to make me feel straight, so blonde pizza girl was one of the major tropes that I subjected myself to. I ended up focusing more on the guy’s dick and how it flopped out of a hole cut into the pizza box than the girl herself,” Ryan revealed. “Hell, I don’t even know how two dudes even have sex.”

                  “Since we’re on the subject of honesty here, I’ve never actually ya know—did it—before. All of those bathroom make out sessions were just that. So I guess we’re both like that, except I at least know how guys have sex, and I would be more than happy to give you a sex ED class. All we need is some bananas, a condom, and a depressed teacher who feels like their life is fading away.”

                  “I would love that Brendon, I really would, but I don’t want to repeat the class that consisted in talking about STD’s and how if you have sex you will end up pregnant and die, but thanks anyways.”

                  Brendon grinned, “Did my boyfriend just quote Mean Girls and are you gayer than I am?”

                  “Oh fuck off,” Ryan replied and kissed Brendon’s cheek. “Now help me unpack.”

                -

                  They ended up ordering pizza from a local pizza shop that had good Yelp results but had a horrible look to it. Brendon had told Ryan that it meant that the pizza place was probably amazing and that even the weirdest looking things could end up being amazing. He didn’t mention that Ryan was a prime example of this.

                  After they demolished an entire cheese pizza—Ryan ate most of it because Brendon’s stomach was still a queasy after all of the crying after getting off the phone with his mother—they burrowed under the covers in their bedroom. Ryan and Brendon had ended up disagreeing on which movie they should watch, but they finally decided to put on a random Chick Flick and not pay much attention to the actual movie.

                  “So what are you looking forward to seeing tomorrow?” Brendon asks the younger boy and absent-mindingly  threads his fingers into the younger boy’s hair.

                  Ryan sighs, listening to Brendon’s steady heartbeat, he was happier than he thought that he could ever be and didn’t care where they were as long as he was with Brendon. “Do you think the skating rink in Rockerfeller Center is open? I used to be a great ice skater when I was younger, which is odd because I suck at sports now. But my dad taught me how to skate with one of those walkers every Saturday and after a while I finally good enough to do hops and everything. Not that I didn’t scrape myself pretty good on the ice. I still have a scar on my nose from when I needed stitches, but I wonder if I’m still good at it.”

                  Brendon grimaced, “You want really want to go ice skating? We’re in one of the most amazing places in the world and you choose to go ice skating,” he scoffs.

                  Ryan props his chin up on Brendon’s chest, “What did ice skating ever do to you?”

                  “Do you really want me to list them off?” Brendon asks. Then after seeing Ryan’s expectant stare he sighs.“Broken leg, dislocated shoulder, and a sprained ankle. I’m still horrible at it, but like your dad mine took me and Brent and kept hoping that I would get better, but unlike you, I got worse at it.”

                  “That just means that I’ll need to teach you." Ryan replies with a quick peck to Brendon’s lips, which still tasted like pizza sauce.

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, “I’m hoping that they haven’t opened it up yet now.”

                  The younger boy playfully swats at the older boy, “You suck. Now shut up and let me watch Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds discover that they’ve been in love the entire time.” With that, Ryan turned up the volume and laid his head back on Brendon’s chest.

                  This was pure unadulterated happiness, and neither boys wanted to leave their love bubble. But they knew that they would have to go back to school on Tuesday, back to their normal lives. Ryan would go back to the bookstore and dealing with his father, Brendon would go back to school and would lie to Jon and Spencer about how his new friend made him sleep on the floor. However, right now they didn’t need to worry about that. They were determined to soak in as much time as they could with each other.

                -

                  “I still don’t understand how you convinced me to get on this blast—shit—shit—Ryan. I’m going to fall on my ass,” Brendon grumbles as stumbles onto the ice rink, almost falling over, to which Ryan quickly steadies him.

                  When they woke up that morning, Ryan had called the receptionist to ask if she had any information about the skating rink and if it had already opened. She told him that it had only opened a few weeks ago, but that it was open and wouldn’t be as crowded since it wasn’t peak season yet. It took a good bit of convincing to get Brendon on the ice, but only after Ryan agreed that they would stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar afterwards did he finally agree.

                  “You aren’t going to fall. I’ll make sure of it,” Ryan grins. “Should I get you a walker, grandpa?” he teased.

                  “I am going to kill you Ryan Ross,” Brendon grits through his teeth, and attempts to grab a hold of Ryan’s jacket but only manages to grab a hold of the air, “as soon as I get out of these fucking skates.”

                  Ryan gasps, “Brendon, there are children here. You shouldn’t curse. It isn’t good for their vocabulary,” he scolds him grinning.

                  “Neither is ice,” he replies, letting go of Ryan’s hand, instead taking hold of the railing around the rink. “I regret our agreement now. Dylan’s Candy Bar is so not worth this. Paris is worth something like this, not a fucking candy store.”

                  Ryan rolls his eyes, skating alongside Brendon who was slowly making his way around the rink. “You’ve been to Paris before? Is the Eiffel Tower as amazing as everyone says it is?”

                  Brendon attempts to shake his head no, but feels like he’s going to fall down at any sudden movement, “It’s actually awful. Every time I was there it was peak season so it was too crowded, and there was way too many couples getting engaged or guys trying to be funny and pissing off the side of it.”

                  “There is no way that guys were really pissing off the side of the Eiffel Tower. Isn’t peeing in public a really big thing over there? Like you could get into a lot of trouble for it.”

                  “That’s kind of the reason why they did it on the tower. If they got caught at least they had something to brag about to their friends,” Brendon replies, keeping his eyes trained on his feet, “How are you still good at this? You haven’t been skating in at least a year.”

                  Ryan shrugs, “Muscle memory at this point, or maybe I’m just that talented.”

                  “Talented my ass,” Brendon mumbles under his breath, “So how much longer do I need to be subjected to this? Because hot chocolate is calling my name, and so is SoHo.”

                  Ryan sighs, “Brendon, just relax. We have time. It’s not like we’ll never come back,” he quickly says, and then realizes that this could be it.

                  Ryan didn’t have the comfort in knowing that his parents would accept him for who he really was. He didn’t have the comfort in knowing that his future was already planned for him by other forces. He was painfully aware that Brendon had taken him along just as buffer in case he did find Brent. He also was also painfully aware as he was wearing the coat that Brendon had bought him and that he couldn’t pay him back for anything. And that if Brendon left him behind like Shane had done before, this would only be a memory that he would remember in the distant future.

                  “Ryan? Are you alright?” Brendon asks quietly, noticing that his boyfriend had started staring off into space.“I’m sorry. We can stay for as long as you want.”

                  Ryan shakes his head, “It’s not that—it’s just—I’m afraid that this might actually end up being our only trip together. Your parents are okay with you, but I don’t know if my mom will be okay. And I hate that you’ve paid for everything. I wish that I could pay for something, but I can—“

                  “Ryan, I did it because I care about you. I wouldn’t just do just for anyone. Just you being with me is more than enough. And as for your mom, if she doesn’t accept then forget about her. You should be accepted for who you are, and if your parents don’t accept you, then they don’t deserve you,” Brendon interrupts him and shakily skates over to him, nearly falling down in the process.  “I’m trying to fucking kiss you right now, and make it all romantic, but these damn skates won’t let me.”

                  Ryan sniffles and then laughs, “Come here, you clumsy guy,” he responds, tugging on Brendon’s hand. “Let’s be all romantic and make it as corny as possible.”

                  “I can do that,” Brendon says with a smile, taking the chance to kiss Ryan as soon he got close enough. And even though they had a multitude of kissing since that night in Ryan’s room, they knew that this was one different. It wasn’t a sloppy kiss, or a kiss that would end up leading to something more. It was a kiss that they would tell their children about it. It was the ending of a romantic comedy where the two main characters finally push through everything and find each other.

                  “I love you,” Ryan whispers into Brendon’s lips.

                  "I love you too." 


	24. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm really sorry that I've been MIA. Life has been crazy with working two jobs, and my 21st birthday landing on Black Friday which of course meant that I had to work. I also didn't know if my last chapter even showed up in the sub boxes or not, and wanted to wait to see one comment so that I knew that it wasn't AO3 acting up.   
> Anyways, here's another chapter. It's short, I know, I'm sorry. And it's a cliffhanger, but the next chapter is worth it.   
> I promise.

                  After Ryan had gotten over the initial shock of how fancy the room looked, and how he was afraid that he was going to break everything with just the wrong step, he got used to it and loved it. Which he didn’t like. He didn’t like that he was growing used to a life where he could afford things like expensive hotel rooms, and trips to New York because he was still waiting for the shoe to drop. He was waiting for the horrible moment when Brendon would decide that they weren’t supposed to be together after all and Ryan would be left behind.

                  The rest of their trip in New York City went by in such a whirlwind with visiting museums and trying to be as touristy as possible that Ryan and Brendon had forgotten to celebrate Halloween. But as they walked hand in hand by a little costume shop in Soho and looked at each other they knew what they had to do. And that was to pick up the most embarrassing costume they could find.

                  “Why does this vest look like the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland sewed it together herself?” Ryan comments as he holds up a vest that was covered with fake roses for Brendon to see. “Because I can understand the appeal of wanting to have roses with you all of the time, but this is a little much, don’t ya think?”

                  Brendon shrugs his shoulders, as he goes through a rack of jackets. “Looks like something that Pete Wentz would wear,” he pauses and thinks. “Now  that you mention it I do have a type. You’re the love child of Pete and Gabe Saporta.”

                  Ryan sticks his tongue out, and puts back the vest, “I personally like to think that I look more like John Lennon than Pete Wentz or Gabe.” Before Ryan and Brendon had met Ryan had no idea who most of these people were, but now he at least understands when Brendon freaks out because a band released a new single, or a new music video.

                  “Before or after he got shot?” Brendon asks, grinning. “Because I like to think that you look more alive.”

                  “Oh you are awful,” Ryan replies, as he pulls out a red coat tail jacket from a rack. As he holds it up he instantly knows that Brendon needs to try it on.  “Brendon, I think I found the one thing that may make you irresistible.”

                  “As if I’m not already?” he responds,  and pretends to puff up his chest.

                  “Just try it on. I have a feeling you’ll like it.”

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, “Is this what they mean by happy wife, happy life?”

                  “I am not the girl in this relationship! Do you remember that I was the one who killed that spider while we were in that 711? Even the guy behind the register was freaked out, and you practically jumped into my arms,” Ryan quickly reminds his boyfriend.“Now  go try on the jacket.” With that, he flings the jacket at Brendon.

                -

                  “I can’t believe that it didn’t fit. I thought for sure that it was going to fit,” Ryan ponders as they walk down the street together, “I could have hemmed it for you.”

                  “It just wasn’t meant to be, now stop beating yourself up about it. Let’s do something fun before we have to check out of our hotel and head off to the airport,” Brendon replies, to which Ryan groans. “Not  looking to the turbulence again?”

                  “More like I don’t want to go back at all. My mom is going to pester me with all of these questions, and I can already feel my hand cramping with how much homework I’m going to have to do and—“

                  Brendon interrupts Ryan with a peck to his cheek, one of the only ways that they knew how to shut each other up, “I can totally hook you up with one of my homework buddies. They do most of my work for me and I’m sure that they would—“

                  “Seriously?” Ryan stops in the middle of the sidewalk. “You actually do that? That’s awful, Bren. The person is probably only doing that homework because they’re scared of you.”

                  “You know me, I’m a giant teddy bear. No one could possibly be scared of me. Now come on, I have an idea,” Brendon assured Ryan with a shrug of his shoulders.

                  “Yeah. I know you now. But just a month ago I was scared shitless by you. I would hide behind corners, and eat my lunch in the bathroom, because I knew your type. Shane was your type,” Ryan added, his anger quickly rising.

                  “What the fuck do you—oh. That’s how you knew,” Brendon sighs, everything falling into place in his mind. “I messed him up, didn’t I? And then he told you, because even though you two weren’t friends anymore he still wanted to make sure that you knew.”

                  “He ended up transferring to another school because of what happened. That’s actually really how we lost touch—well that and us not being able to afford to go out with him anymore. He knew that I was still at the school and that you had threatened him that if he told anyone you would make his life a living hell. But he still ended up telling me, even though he’s a shitty person.”

                  “Ryan. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You know that I’ve changed.”

                  “I know—just—I don’t need your homework buddies’ help. And maybe I wish that we had ended up getting to know each other in a different way. Maybe we would find out that were online friends in a much more romantic way, or something silly.”

                  “I wish that too, Ryan. I really wish that too.”

                -

                  Brendon had chosen Hard Rock Café for their final dinner in the city because he knew that Ryan would love all of the music memorabilia. And he might had also done some research and realized that they had the actual doors from the Abbey Road studios. But as they both sat down at their table he realized that the research that he had done wouldn’t be used.

                  Their small—and first—fight since getting together was still heavy in their minds. Brendon had felt like shit that he had caused Ryan and his best friend to drift apart, and Ryan had felt like he was being unreasonable, but neither knew how to say it. So they made small talk instead.

                  “I couldn’t believe that FAO Schwarz actually let us play on the piano from Big and that they had so many things from Harry Potter,” Ryan broke the silence first as he looked at his menu. “And that we spent that much money when I told you not to.”

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, “So I like the chocolate frogs, and almost all of the Harry Potter themed items, what can I say?”

                  “You and I both know that you bought most of that stuff for me. You couldn’t even—“

                  “Hi there, my name is Brent and I’m—holy shit. Brendon?”


	25. Brent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got 10 more chapters to go!   
> Also, the chances of a bonus chapter is very much a possibility.   
> I left a lot of the characters open ended, and I kind of want to wrap things up.   
> Anyways, enjoy Brent's story!

                  After Ryan had gotten over the initial shock of how fancy the room looked, and how he was afraid that he was going to break everything with just the wrong step, he got used to it and loved it. Which he didn’t like. He didn’t like that he was growing used to a life where he could afford things like expensive hotel rooms, and trips to New York because he was still waiting for the shoe to drop. He was waiting for the horrible moment when Brendon would decide that they weren’t supposed to be together after all and Ryan would be left behind.

                  Brent—all bearded and built like he had turned into Steve Rogers’ older brother—was standing in front of them in a black polo shirt and all Brendon could do was cry uncontrollably, which quickly gained a good amount of stares from other customers.

                  “Um—Bden, are you alright? Do you need a moment?” Brent asks, completely confused, but then turns to Ryan. “Is he alright?”

                  “What do you mean by is he alright? He hasn’t seen or talked to you in years. Of course he’s not okay,” Ryan immediately snaps back. “Now I would either suggest asking your manager if you could have fifteen minutes to deal with a family emergency, or get a new waiter until you have time to talk with us,” he finishes, grabbing Brendon by the hand. By the way, I’m Ryan, his boyfriend, nice to meet you.”

                -

                  Twenty minutes later Brendon, Brent, and Ryan were squashed into a booth at a local dinner that Brent had suggested. He said that they had the best coffee in a ten-minute radius and that they had better food than Hard Rock. It also helped that it was a few blocks away, which helped in calming Brendon down for the most part.

                  “Good to see ya again, Brent. Didn’t bring your band around this time?” their waitress—Lizzie a thin brunette—said to Brent as she pulled a pen out of her apron, ready to jot down orders.

                  “Band members have to work. You know how it is,” Brent replied back uneasily. “They’ll just have coffees, one black and one loaded with sugar. I’ll just have a water.”

                  Their waitress nods, and walks off to the kitchen in pursuit of mugs for their coffee. The diner that Brent had chosen was one of those places that you wouldn’t expect to have good food, judging by the broken sign, and the peeling down wallpaper. But to Ryan it felt like home. To Brendon, everything about this felt foreign, and he had so many questions that he couldn’t get out. It was like his mouth was glued shut by an invisible force. Maybe it was the snot.

                  “Before I say anything, I want to know what’s going on here. Do mom and dad that you’re here? And that you’re gay?” Brent instantly asks as soon as their waitress is out of earshot. 

                  Brendon tried to open his mouth, but instead of words snot comes out instead. His hands were still shaking, and some of his tears had collected around his nose. He was red and puffy, and nothing like the Brendon Urie that everyone had expected at home.

                  Ryan jumped into the conversation instead, sensing that Brendon wasn’t ready to talk yet, “We actually came to New York to try and find you. Your brother figured out the entire thing once he got your most recent postcard and jumped on it. He convinced me to come along, and here we are,” Ryan pauses. “And yes, his parents know everything except that we were coming to look for you.”

                  Brent whistles and leans back in the booth, the vinyl leather sticking to his pants, “Shit. If I would have known, I would have rolled out the red carpet.”

                  Ryan glares, “Yeah—well we didn’t exactly have a way to get in contact with you, now did we? From what Brendon told me you cut off all contact from him and only sent a few postcards with no forwarding addresses. So please excuse if we didn’t give you more of a warning,” Ryan spats back at Brent. So much for them getting along well together.

                  “Look—Bden—“

                  “Please,” Brendon wets his lips, “don’t call me that right now. I want to know what the fuck happened to you, and where the fuck you went. I needed my big brother to help me—with as you can tell—a huge fucking secret. When you left—“

                  “Mom and dad kicked me out, you and I both know that”

                  “When mom and dad kicked you out you didn’t call, you didn’t write, hell you didn’t even fucking text me. Or maybe even Morse code! Nothing Brent! For years! I thought that you could have died or worse! And it killed me on the inside because I thought that I could have prevented it! That if I did something just a little bit different or became the golden child then you wouldn’t have been kicked out! Do you understand what that’s like? To suddenly be able to live, and then have this immense pressure put on you all of a sudden? I was suffocating.

                  "Hell, I fucking met my boyfriend in the bathroom when I was practically molesting him. Yet, he forgave me—for the most part—and left behind his mother and left his co-worker in charge of the bookstore he worked at. And somehow—somehow—you couldn’t even write one single letter to your blood-related family member to let them know that you hadn’t died. I’ve known Ryan for less than three weeks and yet he’s been a better person than you have. How the fuck can you explain that?” Brendon fumes his fingernails digging into Ryan’s hand. Ryan winces. 

                  Brent sighs, and looks down at the cracked table, “I’m sorry, Brendon. I really am, but there’s a reason for why I did what I did. Luckily you blocked out a lot of what happened beforehand, and I’m glad that you did, because man, I was a fucking mess. Doing every drug I could get my hands on, and we all know how easy they are to get in Summerlin.

                  “At this point I don’t even remember why I first started. It might have been a dare, or just because I was bored, but I was instantly hooked. Mom and Dad had tried to help, sent me off to rehab a few times—private of course—but nothing helped. I would just go back to using, and it would only get worse every time I would go. I would come home, go out, shoot up, and pass out not knowing where I was. It was probably the worse I had ever felt in my entire life.

                  “But it was also the only thing that made me feel alive, ‘sides you, Bden. You were my little brother and I was supposed to protect you, but instead I got caught up in shit I shouldn’t have. Mom and Dad eventually kicked me out when I shot up at the house, and passed out while you put Spaghetti O’s in the microwave. They freaked out, told me to leave, and I didn’t look back.

                  “I would send you postcards when I was feeling better, no forwarding address because I knew that you would try to find me and I didn’t want to risk hurting you again. I didn’t want to,” Brent pauses and runs his hands down his face, “I didn’t want to lose my baby brother because of my decisions.”

                  Just at the right moment their waitress reappears, with their drinks, “Brent here is a good guy. He helps out sometimes when he’s not playing in that band,” she pauses to put down their drinks. “What’s your band called again? Something about the disco?”

                  Brent smiles half-heartedly, “Panic! At The Disco, but real close, Lizzie. Why don’t you give us a few minutes to decide what we want to eat?”

                  “Sure—sure. Have fun with your friends,” she says with a roll of her eyes, quickly sashaying over to another table.

                  Brendon leans over the table, “You need to come home with us. Mom and Dad need to see how well you’re doing, and that you’re sober.”

                  Brent shakes his head, “As much as I would love to leave with you, I can’t. I’ve made a life here, a crappy life, but a life. And I don’t think I’m ready to go parading back into the town where I lost everything. I’m still not a year into my sobriety.”

                  “You mean that you’ve relapsed more than once already?” Brendon asks, his voice hushed, “I thought that you were doing good, making a life and all that stuff.”

                  “I am. But it’s a lot harder than you may realize. I came to the city with barely anything and somehow had to find a job, and a place to live, and figure out how to cook. Going from a spoiled rich brat to this has been a shock on my system. You go from only hearing about roaches to finding one on your mattress in your stinky apartment,” Brent replies and then takes a sip of his water.

                  “How far along were you before you relapsed?” Ryan asks, hoping that he could get on some kind of speaking terms with Brendon’s brother.

                  “Eleven months, lost it when Brendon’s sixteenth birthday happened. If it makes you feel any better, I bought a cupcake and sang Happy Birthday to you,” Brent laughs awkwardly, “but if anything, I’m glad that you guys stopped by and were able to find me. Hell knows how you did, though.”

                  “Must be someone up in the sky,” Brendon says, sarcasm dripping with every word, “but you’re okay with me being ya know?”

                  “Taking it up the butt? Yeah. Sure, why not? Being in the city has expanded my horizons a lot. Not even the straight people are completely straight. And if being with Ryan makes you happy, then go fucking apeshit. But I do have to remind you to use prot—“

                  “Okay! Thanks, Brent. Thanks so much for the mini sex ED class, and also telling me that you may or may not have had more experience with men versus your gay brother,” Brendon retorts, choking back the sensation to either blush or vomit. “Really helps to boost my confidence.”

                  Brent shrugs, “All I’m saying is that all of my band members are male, and we do share an apartment so—“

                  “Please—please—no more,” Brendon quickly exclaims and throws his hands over his ears. “I can’t take anymore. Make him stop, Ryan.”

                  Ryan glances at Brendon, and then back at Brent, “I think it’s actually fantastic. You’re finally catching up with your brother, it just so happens that it’s about sex related things, not about if he has a girlfriend, etc…”

                  “To which I would say no, my band is my girlfriend. We’re hoping to do some demos soon if we can raise enough money with our shifts at our variedd jobs,” Brent answered.

                  “Let me help you to help pay for the demos then, I can pay in cash so—“

                  “I appreciate it, Bden, but I want to do this on my own. I’ve been given things my entire life, don’t you think it’s time that I try and make something for myself? That’s my band. The next time you’re in New York you’ll have to meet them. They’re awesome.”

                  Ryan nudges Brendon once he looks up at the half broken clock that was hanging off the wall. He knew that it was getting late and they still needed to get back to their hotel and pack everything up. Then get another taxi and go through TSA, which always takes a while.

                  Brendon sighs, “Our plane is taking off soon, and we still need to get back to the hotel and pack up our stuff.”

                  Brent chuckles, “You booked the Four Seasons didn’t you?”

                  “I told him not to book the fanciest hotel in New York, and of course he did. How do I deal with your brother, Brent? Does he get any better?” Ryan groaned.

                  “You accept that there’s some things about him that aren’t perfect, and he’ll do the same for you. I’ve learned a lot since living here. No one is perfect no matter how much they want you to believe that you are,” he takes another sip of water. “Also if you end up hurting him I still have some friends in Summerlin who wouldn’t think twice about kicking your ass.”

                  Ryan gulps. Brendon can’t help but chuckle, remembering that Josh told him almost the same exact thing just a week or so ago. He still couldn’t believe that he just technically met Ryan. It felt like he had known him for so much longer.

                  “Don’t scare the poor guy, Brent. He’s a sweetheart,” Brendon replies with a smile. “Now why don’t you give me your number so that I can text you cute pictures of us?”

                  “I—um—I don’t have a phone right now. Just look me up on FaceBook alright? We’ll talk there,” Brent answers and pushes himself out of the booth. “Now come here and give your brother a hug.”

                  Brendon didn’t think twice before he was out of the booth and enveloped in a hug that he had waited years to have. He didn’t want to let go, he just wanted to stay here with Brent and catch up with him. He wanted to tell him about Sarah, and Jon and Spencer, and that he wanted to a Broadway star, but he knew that he couldn’t. He knew that Brent had to go back to work  and that Ryan couldn’t leave Tara in charge for longer than he already asked her to.

                  “I really missed you, little bro,” Brent says and then messed up his brother’s hair.

                  “Missed you too, big bro.”

-

                  By the time Brendon and Ryan had packed up their bags—and of course since Brendon had gone overload with buying things had needed to ship some items—and made it through TSA they were almost late for their boarding time. And although some kids may have been pushed over in the process, they made it. Now all they need to do was sit back and relax, but something was bugging Ryan.

                  “Hey, Bren. I know that you said you searched everything for Brent beforehand, so why did he tell you to just look him up on FaceBook? Didn’t you already search for him on there?”

                  Brendon nodded, “Yeah. I already did, which is why I know that we’re probably not going to see him again for a while. Brent is still dealing with a lot, and I think—I think that I might be his trigger. It might be best not to see him for a while, at least until he’s been sober for a little longer.”

                  “I’m sorry that this trip didn’t end out the way that you wanted it to,” Ryan replies with a sigh.

                  Brendon looks confused, “What do you mean? This trip was amazing and I wish that it could have lasted for longer. Sure, I was disappointed about Brent, but I got to show you New York City and bust my ass ice skating. I had an amazing time, and don’t you forget that.”

                  “Even though we had our first fight?”

                  “Wasn’t it you who said that relationships and love was supposed to be a never ending fight to stay together? But you were right, I was being a douchebag, but I’m also not perfect. I’m always going to have my spoiled brat traits, and you’re probably always going to be scared that I’m going to end up hurting you,” Brendon finishes with a squeeze of Ryan’s hand.

                  “Brendon, I’m not scared anymore. And actually—“ he pauses, “when we get home I was wondering if you would—um—ya know,” he says instantly blushing. To say that he just started thinking about it wasn’t true because he had already started thinking about it the day that they first met in that bathroom.

                  Brendon blushes, “Um—well—only if you want to. I mean—if I want to too, righ—“

                  Ryan interrupts him with a kiss to his lips, “Shut up and enjoy the flight, I hear that another Rom-Com is coming on.”

                  Brendon rolls his eyes, “Yippie.”

 

 


	26. Cliche

                  Luckily there wasn’t a huge amount of turbulence on their plane ride home so the two boys were able to fall asleep for most of the flight, which turned out to be a good thing because Spencer and Jon were waiting for them at their gate with a handmade sign that was missing a few letters. Brendon and Ryan didn’t have the heart to tell them their sign now said ‘Appy Ween’. 

                  “You missed the best costumes while you guys were in New York. Cassie and I dressed up as Jack Skeleton and Sally, and Spencer dressed up as a half-dressed flight attendant. Now that I think about it, Spencer’s costume sucked,” Jon pondered.

                  Spencer rolled his eyes, “So, is your family alright, Brendon? I never knew that you had family in New York too,” he said as they all head to the baggage claim.

                  “Oh—yeah. They’re fine, but um—“

                  “Me and Brendon have to tell you guys something sort of serious,” Ryan interrupts. While on the plane they decided to tell their friends as soon as they could. They didn’t want to make things weird once they started holding hands or sharing kisses when they hung out with them.

                  Jon and Spencer look at each other, and then look at the two boys, and burst into laughter.

                  “You guys knew before even me and Ryan knew, didn’t you?” Brendon asks, annoyed that his friends wouldn’t tell him that they had already noticed what was going on before he did.

                  “Dude, I knew from the moment that you came out of that bathroom in a huff that I had lost you to the land of the dick,” Spencer admits, still laughing.

                  “Very funny, Spence,” Brendon grumbles, feeling the urge to climb back on a plane to New York and take Ryan along with him. Anything was better than this.

                  “No seriously—as soon as you started asking me questions about Ryan on FaceBook I knew that something was up. Plus even though you took your breakup with Sarah hard there were a few hints that you weren’t completely straight. I guess it just took some time for you figure it out,” Jon says with a shrug.

                  “Like what?”

                  “Like your creepy Pete Wentz shrine. That’s for one,” Spencer replies with a snicker.

                  “Oh! So he does have one! I didn’t see one in his room but I’m sure that he must have hidden it away, right guys?” Ryan adds with a grin.

                  “You two are officially no longer my friends,” Brendon grumbles.

                  Jon grins, “Yeah—yeah, we love you too.”

-

                  “So have you guys done it yet?” Spencer abruptly asks as they sit around a table for breakfast at IHop. Ryan chokes on his water as soon as Spencer asks his question, and Brendon kicks Spencer underneath the table. “Ow! Stop being so violent! Can’t a friend know what’s going on with his friends’ sex lives? I’ve asked Jon how him and Cassie are doing, and, of course, he won’t tell me, so that leaves me to you. But like—how do guys even have sex?”

                  “I’m sure they could show you if you would ask. Although, don’t really think that you’re their type,” Jon replies, talking around a piece of pancake that he had shoveled into his mouth.

                  “I mean—if you really want to,” Spencer says with a shrug, “never know. I could end up liking it—Jon, do you think Cassie would mind if I made out with you a little?”

                  “No way in hell, Spence,” Jon warns him and points his fork at him. “Cassie had decided to have sex until we get married and I respect her decision, no matter how much I wish that she would change her mind—so yeah. She would mind.”

                  “Wait, seriously? When did this happen?” Brendon asks across the table. “Last I heard was that you were planning on prom night.”

                  “She changed her mind after her parents gave her ‘the talk’ again. Oh. They also said that Jesus would not respect her if she dirtied her ‘flower’ before marriage,” Jon responds and stabs at a pancake with his fork. “Somehow I think that Jesus would have better things than to make sure that a girl in Summerlin, Nevada keeps her virginity.”

                  “That sucks, dude. I guess Prom is going to be ruined for ya,” Spencer states.

                  Jon shakes his head, “I’m still looking forward to Prom. It’s a rite of passage for us. It’s going to be awesome.”

                  “Make sure to have tons of fun for me. Being friends with juniors sucks sometimes,” Ryan admits. He hoped that Brendon would be okay with going together by next year, but he didn’t know for sure. Ryan knew that they were already going at a lightning speed in their relationship and didn’t want to push it anymore. It was bad enough that he had already admitted to Brendon that he wanted to have sex with him.

                  “What do you mean? You’re in our English class, shouldn’t you be a junior?” Spencer asks, his eyebrows raised.

                  “I ended up taking extra classes my freshman year so that I could get into the class during my sophomore year. I’m sadly a sophomore—“

                  “Well Brendon will end up taking up taking you as his date,” Jon states, his eyes glued on Brendon. “You’ll end up having matching tuxes—or dresses I don’t know what you’re into—and those flower things that go on the jackets. Then we’ll end up getting too drunk afterwards, and end up in a hotel. At least that’s what I’ve seen from those John Hughes movies that Cassie makes me watch.

                  “I—um—I haven’t asked Ryan yet,” Brendon whispers as he stares down at his waffles. He knew that it sounded shitty, but he didn’t know if he was ready to do something like that. Sure having his parents and his best friends know was something, but having the entire school know was something completely different. For the past two years, he was put on a pedestal and had often bragged about how many girls he had slept with. He didn’t know if he was ready to be yanked down and be like everyone else.

                  “What the fuck are you waiting for then? Some big romantic moment where you stand outside of his window with a boombox and—oh my god. What is Cassie doing to me? I’m a big walking Chick Flick,” Jon groans and then holds his head in his hands.

                  “I—Er—Maybe I’m just waiting for the right momen—“

                  “I don’t think he’s ready yet,” Ryan interrupts, his voice quiet, “to be seen at school displaying that kind of affection with me.”

                  Brendon quickly turns in his seat to face Ryan, “Ry. That’s not true, and you know it. Back in New York I—“

                  “But that was back in New York. We’re back in Nevada and you haven’t kissed me once since we landed. It’s like as soon as you’re back here you’re someone completely different,” the younger boy replies with a sigh. “It was nice to see you guys again, but I think I should head back to home. My mom is probably missing me at this point, and I don’t want to mess up your plans for Prom.”

                  “Ry—listen to me. Please.”

                  “Just—just let me walk, alright? I know that it’s stupid. Prom is freaking stupid. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t go years ago, but I hoped that you would ask. But it’s okay. I know that you’re not ready,” he states, and slid out of his chair. “It was nice to see you again, Jon and Spence.”

                  “Let me at least drive you home. We both know that you don’t live in the best neighborhood,” Brendon quickly says feeling the urge to just ask him right now, but he knew that everyone would stare. He knew that they would judge him and talk about him.

                  “I’m fine, Brendon. I’ll talk to you later,” he replies, his voice shaky. Before he can say something that he would regret, or just go back immediately into Brendon’s arms, he walked out of the IHop, on his way home. His home was where his wall was, and where his safety blanket was. But after Brendon marked his confession on Ryan’s wall, it wasn’t his anymore. It was now Brendon’s. And it terrified him. His home was where he knew he thought he would never be hurt.

 -

                  It was three in the morning and Brendon sat outside of Ryan’s house in his car with a box of matches and gasoline that Jon and Spencer had forced him to buy. Well, they really wanted him to buy a boombox and reenact Say Anything but he quickly nixed that idea because he knew that Ryan wouldn’t get the reference. But he knew that this reference he would get.

                  Brendon grips his hands on the wheel of his car, his knee jumping up and down. He could see that Ryan’s light was off, and he wasn’t online either. It was possible that getting Ryan’s attention in this way may not even work, and may even get him in trouble with his father. But he knew that if he didn’t do this now, he would chicken out.

                -

                  It was three in the morning and Ryan couldn’t sleep. He had tried, but kept waking himself up to escape the nightmares that were back again. So now he was stuck staring up at his ceiling, thinking about why he made such a big deal about an event that was months in the future.

                  He rolls over on his side, and stares at his computer, which was still pouring light from its home screen. He had went online ten minutes ago to see if Brendon was online, but he wasn’t. Ryan sighs, knowing that he made a big deal about nothing, just like he did back in New York. Maybe he was trying to create conflict to subconsciously ruin their relationship.

                -

                  Brendon cleaned Ryan’s lawn off of bottles, quickly putting them in a black trash bag that he had brought along. Cleaning up bottles and saving his first relationship was not something he was planning on doing while he was still dealing with jetlag. But here he was.

                  He pours gasoline over the lawn delicately, making sure not to burn too much or too little of the lawn otherwise the whole thing would be ruined. After being satisfied with his work, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out the box of matches.

                  “Should have brought a lighter,” he mumbles under his breath to himself. He pulls out a match from the box, quickly striking it alongside the box. Brendon throws it onto the lawn, hoping for the best.

                -

                  Ryan had thought that he had heard a bird at his window tapping at it at first, but ignored it after a few minutes. It was probably just kids trying to be cool by annoying their next door neighbors. But then it started again, this time it was most definitely was not kids. This time it was deliberate.

                  He groans, rolling over onto the floor to get up. Brendon had offered to get him something a little more comfortable, but he told him no because his dad would notice. He pads over to his window, and pulls it wide open preparing to scream at whoever was down below. However, what he saw instead was his lawn—a little patch of brown—on fire. He knew that his mother would be pissed, but considering the fact that the words PROM? were now emblazed in the lawn, he was pretty sure she would know how and why it happened. 

                  Brendon grins as he sees Ryan’s head sticking out of his window, “So. I know this is corny. And straight from a Fall Out Boy video, but will you go to prom with me? We’ll get matching tuxes if that’s what you want. We’ll get drunk on Jon’s parents wine cellar. End up at a hotel and make some doorman’s lives a living hell. So, what do you say?”

                  Ryan smirks, knowing exactly what to say, “Is your favorite band still on hiatus?”

                  Brendon nods, his smiling splitting his mouth open, “I believe that they are.”

                  “Then, I guess we’re going to prom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS of changes are coming for this story.   
> Firewall will end in the beginning of January, and a bonus chapter is coming.


	27. Move

                  At around five in the morning, Ryan was woken up by his mother, as she asked him what happened to their lawn and which girl asked him out to prom.

                  “Mom. Can we please talk about this in an hour when I have to wake up for school?” Ryan groggily asks, his voice and brain still asleep. He had only gotten two hours of sleep so far and was hoping that he could have just another hour of sleep just so that he could at least feel human.

                  “Ryan, just tell me who the girl is so that I can start to plan ahead of time. Tuxes do cost a good amount of money to rent so—“

                  Before Ryan could think he blurted it out. “Brendon asked me to Prom, Mom. He burnt Prom into the lawn because I’m gay, and so he is. Happy freaking day.”

                  His mother’s face instantly changed, her brows furrowing, and her eyes glaring, “What do you mean by you’re gay? You’ve loved girls your whole life. I remember when you would follow around—“

                  “Mom. I’m gay. You probably should have noticed that now based on how much time I’ve spent with Brendon, and the fact that I went away with him to New York. Normal friends don’t do that.”

                  “Ryan. You’re not gay. It’s just a phase. Your emotions are acting up. You’re still a teenager,” his mother instantly replies, her voice cold. Ryan just now realized that Brendon shouldn’t have worried about his parents accepting him, he should have worried about Ryan’s mother instead.

                  “No. This is not a phase. I like guys. It’s no big deal,” Ryan states and rolls onto the floor to stand up, “Mom. I’m still your son. It’s not like I’ve changed. I just like guys.” Ryan couldn’t be sure if it was just the sun setting or if he was just imagining things, but he could swear that he could see his mother’s face turn red with anger.

                  “You’re not my son anymore,” she barks.  “Now get out of my house.”

                  “Mom. You don’t mean that. You’re just in shock,” Ryan sighs, and walks over to give his mother a hug, but instead of doing the same his mother backs away from him. 

                  “Yes, I do mean that. You like breasts and full asses, and vaginas. You don’t like dicks and no breasts and no asses. You don’t like that. I raised you to like that.” Ryan didn't want to add that Brendon did in fact have a full ass, when in fact it was true. 

                  “But Mom. I don’t like that. I know what I like, and I don’t like that,” he pleads with her. He wished that he could have Brendon’s parents here to calm her down. Brendon’s parents accepted him, so maybe they could talk with his mother.

                  “Do you really think that your father would approve of this?” she growls.  “I really would hate to wake him to find out, but I’m sure he would help you see things from our perspective.”

                  “Mom—listen—“

                  “I don’t want to listen to you anymore. You either listen to me, or you get out of this house.”

                  Ryan nodded as he felt the lump in his throat threaten to explode into tears. He felt the urge to vomit into the nearest toilet or just jump off the tallest building. But he didn’t. He chose to run to Brendon.

-

                  It was around six in the morning when Brendon heard Ryan’s ringtone—I’m Like A Lawyer—and quickly picked up the phone, still half asleep.

                  “Brendon Urie, future Prom date of Ryan Ross speaking, how may I assist thee on this fine morning?” the older boy answered the phone, his voice still coated in sleep.

                  “Bren—I—I’m at your front door—can you open the d—door?” Ryan’s voice came in small breaths, his voice hitching with every one. Brendon instantly knew something was wrong.

                  Brendon instantly sat straight up in bed, and ran downstairs, abandoning his cell phone on his bed in the process. He flung open the doors, finding Ryan barefooted and shaking, tears pouring down his face. And he knew what happened.

                  “She um—she—she kicked me out,” Ryan managed to stutter out, “I—I thought y—you said that s—she was going to be okay with us.”

                  “That bitch,” Brendon spat out, his voice oozing with venom, and then pulled his boyfriend into a hug. “Listen, you can stay here. My parents are home now, but I know that they would love to meet you, and would totally let you stay. They’re already in love with you.”

                  “I—I want h—her back. S—She was the only one w—who cared,” Ryan dug his fingernails into Brendon’s back, thinking that this was a dream and that he was going to wake up and everything would be fine. But only if he could wake up.

                  Brendon winced as Ryan began to draw blood, “Why don’t you take a shower and then we can spend the whole day doing whatever you want, alright?”

                  “Alright.”

-

                  Jon and Spencer ended up calling off of school, and rushing over to Brendon’s house as soon as he told them what happened. Cassie had even been convinced to come after Jon told her that they might need some womanly advice. That and she knew how to calm someone down after a major panic attack as she suffered from a good amount herself.

                  “I can’t believe that she just kicked him out at six in the morning,” Cassie remarked as she sat in the living room with Brendon, Spencer, and Jon.

                  “She actually kicked him out earlier than that, at least that’s what I got from Ryan. He ended up having to run barefoot here from Vegas Drive which took a while,” Brendon added, his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. He needed the caffeine. He had stayed up with Ryan to make sure that he didn’t do anything reckless like try and hurt himself. Brendon had eventually convinced his boyfriend to rest his eyes for a few minutes, and Ryan ended up passing out in his bed.

                  “Shit,” Cassie said with a sad sigh.“Did he bring anything with him before he left?”

                  “The clothes on his body and that’s it. My parents ended up having to pull glass out of his foot. We insisted that he go to the ER but he said that his mom—or worse his dad—would have to be notified that he was there,” Brendon replied, his voice shaky as he remembered what had already happened that morning. “Let me tell you though, I’m sure that my parents will never forget that moment. I don’t think I’d ever seen my parents so queasy in my life.”

                  “Can’t you call CPS?”

                  “I could, but then they’ll uproot Ryan’s entire life, and that’s not something I really want to do. I’ll leave the decision up to him when he’s feeling better. And if he doesn’t then there’s always room here for him. Don’t know what my parents would do with another guy in the house again though,” Brendon said with a sigh, “Brent leaving actually hurt them a lot more than I realized.”

                  “He’s the reason why you were in New York, wasn’t it?” Spencer asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper. When he heard about what happened to Ryan he was devastated. It was like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest, and stomped on it. He had quickly come to regard Ryan as one of his little brothers, and he knew that Jon did too.

                  “Yeah,” Brendon paused. “When he left I got postcards from him with no forwarding address, so I had no idea where he was. He stopped for a while, and then I got another one out of the blue. I convinced Ryan to go, and we left as soon as he could. We didn’t spend much time trying to look for Brent because my parents told me to wait after I told them I was gay.

                  “We ended up running into Brent at freaking Hard Rock Café, and he explained that he went through some heavy drug usage. He ended up getting kicked out by my parents for it, and he’s afraid that he could end up hurting me, so that’s why he didn’t contact me except for random postcards. When—when my parents accepted me, I told Ryan that his mother would too. But I guess I was wrong. God—this sucks,” Brendon finishes, and then takes a sip of his coffee that is now lukewarm.

                  “At least your parents are talking to the school about getting his emergency contact changed, and everything. I could never imagine my parents not accepting me for who I was,” Cassie whispered shaking her head, her long brown hair moving along with her.

                  “I see that you guys are talking about me,” Ryan interrupts with a small hiccup and an even smaller laugh. “Even when I’m not at high school this happens.” Brendon goes to stand up, but Ryan waves him off. “I’m not a feeble old person. I can walk—not as much as I would like—but I can walk.” Brendon’s parents had ended up wrapping the area where the glass had been and then slid a sock over top of it. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was working. Ryan took a seat right next to Brendon on the couch, instinctively putting his head down on his shoulder.

                  “I know that you guys probably think she’s awful and that she doesn’t deserve a child, but she’s really an amazing mother. She protected me—for the most part—from my alcoholic dad and tried to make it seem like we weren’t completely dirt poor. Whenever we were still home together, we would do crafts together to pass the time. Or we would—we would play with my dog, Rex. My mother—she’s just—she’s confused,” Ryan finished, not believing a word that came out of his mouth. He had lost his mother, and it killed him inside.

                  Cassie smiled softly, “Hey Ryan. It’s a shitty way to meet, but it’s nice to meet you.  I’m Cassie.” Ryan nodded and then closed his eyes. She reminded him of Jon—same straight brown hair, same chocolate brown eyes, both skinny and petite. The only think she was missing was a big busy beard like Jon. In fact, they could even be twins.

                  Brendon kisses the top of Ryan’s head, “Nightmares again?”

                  “Yeah. Worse this time, though.”

                  “Well, we would eventually move in together, right? It just so happens that we moved in together earlier than we planned,” Brendon whispered to Ryan, hopeful that he would be able to cheer him up just a little bit, “but I think that my parents might change the rules and have an open door policy with guys for me now.”

                  Ryan slightly laughs, his nose stuffy. “There goes our plans for constant make out sessions and wild sexapade. I was looking forward to that, darn it.”

                  “Do you want us to stop by your house and pick up anything for you? Clothes? Books?” Jon asked, interrupting Brendon and Ryan’s private conversation. Jon felt useless just sitting there doing nothing and wanted to feel like he was helping somehow. He hated that Ryan was going through something like this and that it could happen to anyone who wasn’t what their parents wanted them to be.

                  “Yeah. But I don’t really want you to have to go over there. My mom probably wouldn’t even let you in anyways. I do appreciate it, though,” Ryan answered with a sigh. “Maybe I can borrow Brendon’s clothes to wear for the time being.”

                  “Maybe I can head over there instead. She seemed to like me,” Brendon suggested.

                  Ryan shakes his head, “She’ll probably think that you made me gay or something crazy like that.”

                  “If only Josh were here. I’m pretty sure he would ram his way through the door before your mom could even say anything to him.”

                  “I should actually probably call him and tell him what happened so he doesn’t call the bookstore and I’m not there,” Ryan added. He had called Tara and told her that he couldn’t come in due to some emergency but would be back the next day. She had scolded him about how it wasn’t responsible, but he didn’t care. Ryan knew that the first place his parents would look for him was the bookstore.

                  Brendon silently hands his phone back over to Ryan, with a kiss to his forehead. Ryan pulled himself off the couch and walked off into a separate room to call Josh.

                  “Isn’t Josh his old boss?” Jon asked, his brows furrowing, “I would think that you wouldn’t tell your boss about being gay, especially with all of the laws in Nevada right now.”

                  “Josh is still his boss. Technically at least. He left Ryan in charge while he’s in California recording his band’s debut album. They’re more like best friends, though. From what Ryan had told me they met about two years ago when he started hiding behind the bookcases, reading books because he couldn’t afford it. Josh eventually caught on it, and offered him a job.”

                  “Ryan had even helped him out when Josh and his ex-girlfriend of a couple years broke up. Ever since Ryan and his old best friend grew apart, Josh had been there. In fact,” Brendon paused to laugh, “Josh had said that if I ended up hurting Ryan that he would kill me with a book.”

                  “So he’s basically Ryan’s Brent,” Spencer had remarked. Brendon hadn’t realized how true that was. Brent and Josh had both left them behind for their own reasons. Brent had left to protect Brendon, and Josh had left to pursue his career.

                  “I guess,” Brendon said hesitantly.

                -

                  “Josh. Please don’t do that,” Ryan had sighed into the phone’s speaker.

                  “Ryan. I’m not going to let you go through this alone. Your mother shouldn’t be doing this to you and I’m determined to show her differently. I’m flying back to Nevada and you can’t stop me,” Josh immediately answered back. Ryan had a feeling that this would happen, but he still had to tell him what was going on and that he didn’t think that he would be able to manage the bookstore.

                  “But you’ve only been there for a few days. And I’m not alone. I have Brendon, his parents, and his friends. You should be in California right now.”

                  “That’s great that they’re for you, but I should be there too. You’re my little brother, Ry. I’m flying out of California—hell I’ll drive if I have to. It’s only a six-hour  trip.”

                “Okay fin—“

               “Booking my flight now. I’ll see you soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said BIG changes.


	28. Gauze

                  Josh, Brendon, Jon, and Spencer were sitting outside of Ryan’s house trying to get up enough courage to knock on the door and demand that they get Ryan’s stuff back. But none of them wanted to make the situation worse for Ryan, especially knowing that his father was a raging alcoholic.

                  “Should we wait until your parents get word back from Ryan’s mother?” Josh had asked from the backseat of Brendon’s car. Brendon’s parents had called the hospital and had asked for Ryan’s mother, but she refused to talk to them. His parents had even gone to the school and talked to their principal about how Ryan was kicked out. Their principal said that there was nothing he could do as it would be a CPS issue.

                  “You and I both know that Ryan would skin his mother alive if any of his stuff got damaged because of this whole thing. Hell, I’m pretty sure that he would kill _me_ if anything happened to his books,” Brendon replied, his fingers tapping on his car wheel. He didn’t know why he was scared to go in. The last time we met Ryan’s mother he felt welcomed and part of the family. But now he wasn’t so sure that he would be allowed in.

                  “I could go in myself, and throw things out of the window. You said that he’s only on the second floor, and we have the moving boxes in the trunk, so it would be like—what’s that game called where you catch things with a glove,” Josh pondered.

                  “You mean baseball,” Spencer hinted, astonished that Ryan’s friend didn’t know what baseball was. He thought that he must know, especially with muscular arms that were ju—Spencer shook his head out, trying to clear his thoughts, “but I guess that could work. You just need to wrap things in bubble wrap if they’re breakable.”

                  Brendon gave Spencer a weird look, wondering if he was suffering from some kind of seizure, and wanted to ask him what was wrong, but chose to ignore it, “What if Ryan’s mom isn’t home? How exactly are we going to get in, and avoid Ryan’s father?”

                  Josh grinned, “I may or may not have picked a few locks in my lifetime. Mostly when I locked myself out of the bookstore, or locked myself _in_ the bookstore. As for Ryan’s father I’m sure we’ll work around it. Worse comes to worse I’ll jump out the window. I wish that the lawn wasn’t burnt with the word Prom in it—it’ll make a bumpy landing—but I guess I’ll deal with it.”

                  Brendon rolled his eyes, “He loved it. It just so happened that’s what caused him being kicked out, but we’ll delve into that later. Now go be a superhero.” Josh salutes them, and jumps out of the car, confidently strolling up to the door.

                  “So is it weird that I think that Josh has a great ass or is that just perfectly normal?” Spencer questioned himself out loud.

                  “Am I seriously the only straight person in this car right now?,” Jon groaned and banged his head against the window.

                  Brendon laughs, “I believe that you are.”

-

                  In reality trying to get three clumsy and uncoordinated seventeen-year-old boys to catch things that were falling from the sky wasn’t the best idea. Neither was picking the lock, which Josh failed at and ended up needing to look up YouTube videos. And somehow he found himself on the weird side of YouTube where poodles were exercising with their humans, and the world’s largest zit was being popped. Josh wasn’t the same after seeing those.

                  But they had managed to get most of everything out of Ryan’s room before Ryan’s mother walked up to her house. Josh had managed to relock the door so nothing looking suspicious until she looked into her son’s room. Brendon had wanted to leave, but the rest of the boys wanted to stay behind to see what Ryan’s mother was like first hand. But she didn’t do anything malicious. She didn’t look like an evil witch with green skin, and a pointy hat like Jon, Spencer, and Josh thought she would. She looked like a human being, just a human was extremely homophobic.

                  “I can’t believe that she doesn’t look evil. She looks just like Ryan,” Josh broke the silence as they all ducked down in their seats, “and she works at a hospital too. I don’t understand how she can do her job and be acting like she is.”

                  “It’s like how serial killers look like the rest of us until they strike and no one sees it coming,” Spencer added, using a pair of binoculars that he had brought with him.

                  “Why the hell do you have a pair of binoculars and should I be scared to ask on why you have them to begin with,” Jon asked his best friend, with an eye roll.

                  “Dad and I used to bird watch. Get your mind out of the gutter. You’re almost as bad as I am,” Spencer instantly replied back, not even missing a step.

                  “Believe me, I’m worse,” Josh added, “I would always make dirty jokes with my ex.”

                  Spencer’s ears perked up, “Was that Debby?”

                  “You would be surprised, but no it wasn’t. I decided not to tell Ryan about my relationships before Debby, but there was a time when I liked pretty much everyone. I even dated one of my band members for a while but then we realized how much damage we were doing to the band. Now he’s dating this really amazing girl named Jenna. And I’m really happy for him. He’s still in California writing,” Josh admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. “Ever since Debby though I haven’t really been interested in dating or anything like that. It’s been all about the band, the bookstore, or Ryan. Don’t really have time for anything else.”

                  “I really am the only straight person in this car,” Jon mumbled under his breath. The door to Ryan’s home slams open and the boys instinctively duck down even more, practically flat on their seats. It doesn’t really do much, though, because Brendon knows that Ryan’s mother knows his car by now.

                  Brendon peaks up over the lip of the car door, scared that Ryan’s mother had spotted him by his car, but he doesn’t see Ryan’s mother. He sees—what he thinks is—his father instead.

                  “Shit—shit—shit. Guys, I think that’s Ryan’s dad. At least I think it is. I haven’t met him yet,” Brendon whispered, his voice shaking. This was the guy that beat Ryan and ruined his life. And as reckless as it was, all Brendon wanted to do was race after him, and beat him to a bloody pulp. But Ryan’s father had a foot on him, and at least a hundred pounds on him.

                  Brendon didn’t understand how that could be Ryan’s dad. They looked nothing alike. Where Ryan was skinny and lanky, his father was fat and stocky. Ryan had a full head of dark brown hair, but his father had none. Whether that was by choice, or if he was just losing his hair naturally, Brendon didn’t want to know.

                  “He looks nothing like Ryan. You sure he’s the father?” Spencer joked, quickly receiving a hand to back to his head from Jon. “Thanks a lot, Jon.”

                  “Guys. We should really go. We got what we need—oh shit,” Brendon interrupted himself as he saw Ryan’s mother come out of the door in pursuit of her husband. It was obvious that Ryan’s mother was trying to convince her husband to come back into the house.

                  “If we leave now, Brendon, they’ll notice. We need to stay and wait for it to end,” Josh had announced quietly, his eyes trained on the situation that was brewing in front of him. He knew the signs. This was not going to end well, for either one.

                  Ryan’s mother pulled on her husband’s arm, trying to persuade him again to come into the house. That no one wanted to see him drunk and belligerent. That’s when he flung her onto the cement stairs, and Brendon went into hyperdrive. This had already happened to Ryan, and even though his mother was horrible to him, he couldn’t sit there watching what was going on.

                  Before he knew was happening, he was jumping out of his car, running towards Ryan’s house. And before he knew it his fist was in Ryan’s father’s face, and he heard the sound of bone being broken, and saw blood gushing out of his opponent’s nose.

                  “Oh shit,” Brendon whispered, realizing what he had just done, and what was about to happened. Ryan’s father was still standing and looked even more pissed off. He didn’t even hear him speak before he was on the lawn, bleeding from what he felt was every orifice. Brendon looked up at Ryan’s father, praying to whatever was up in the sky that he would be able to survive this.

 -

                  Cassie had decided to stay back with Ryan at Brendon’s house and was braiding his hair because they had nothing better to do. Well, that’s what Cassie had told Ryan. Ryan, however, wanted to start on the homework that he knew that he was going to be missing. Cassie had, however, scolded him and told him not to worry about homework right now. It would be there tomorrow, she told him.

                  He eventually agreed to disagree and went to start on it, but realized that he had left it back at home with his entire life. So he grumpily plopped down in front of Cassie on the floor in the living room of Brendon’s house.

                  “You do realize that I’m not the stereotypical gay guy who just likes show tunes and braiding each other’s hair, right?” Ryan grumpily asked his arms folded across his chest. Not only was his uncomfortable with this, but he was also uncomfortable knowing that the shirt he was wearing cost five hundred dollars. Brendon had convinced him to change into new clothes while what he was wearing before had finished washing.

                  “Yes. But Jon never lets me do this, so I’m taking the advantage now. And Spencer and Brendon are too hyperactive. I once tried to, and I got half a braid done before they went off in pursuit of whatever shiny object they found,” Cassie replied calmly, wrapping a hair tie around a braid she finished. As much as she wanted to wait for children, she also wanted them now. She wanted to be able to do this with a future daughter. Cassie had even told Jon that they would name their first child and they had decided Sagan.

                  “So you’re a junior too, right? I never see you in any of my classes, and I take mostly junior classes to get out of high school early. Before I met Brendon I hated high school with a passion. Well. I’m still not a huge fan of it, but you and everyone have made it better.”

                  Cassie started another braid, “I’m technically a junior, but like you I take senior classes. High school isn’t the best for me either. I have Jon, Brendon, and Spencer, but I’m still not a fan of it. Too much gossip, and rumors for me to handle. You’re a sophomore, right?”

                  “Yeah,” he pauses. “Do you think that two weeks of dating—or rather just hanging out with someone—is too early to say that you love them? Because me and Brendon have only been around each for less than a month, and I already told him that I love him.”

                  “It just depends on you and Brendon. Some people just fall in love faster, and some people take ages to finally be able to admit it to themselves, and their partner. That’s what happened with me and Jon. We didn’t realize that we were in love until a year into our relationship.”

                  “I mean,” he pauses again, “we knew each other technically for a year. We didn’t know it, but we were friends online for a year though IMing each other. But that’s not the same as actually being together in person.”

                  “Why not? The great part about doing things like that is that you don’t have to worry about your secrets getting out. The person you’re talking to will probably never tell because they don’t know who you are, or even who to tell. Being able to know Brendon a year in advance was probably the best thing that you could have done for your relationship.”

                  “But I’ve always heard that online relationships aren’t real and that the person behind the keys could be some fifty-year-old man who picks up teenagers online.”

                  “I have seen How To Catch A Predator before, Ryan. I do know that. But your feelings are real, aren’t they?” she paused to tie another braid. “Let me ask you a question, did you fall in love with him while you were catching online or did you fall in love with him while you were in person?”

                  Ryan sighed, not expecting to get a therapy session while getting his hair braided. But he knew that it was good for him. He hadn’t been to therapy before, but he imagined that this is how it would be. Although he imagined that his therapist would have a notepad, and would write everything down like he had seen in movies. Instead, his therapist had a hair tie around her wrist.

                  “I think that I fell in love with him online. And then I realized that he was my online friend, that’s when I started really feeling that I could love him. Not that I didn’t like him already—because believe I did. But I fell in love with the Pete Wentz obsessed weirdo who had non-supportive parents and wanted to be a singer in New York City—shit. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

                  Cassie started another braid, “I promise I won’t tell. I haven’t told Jon that I want kids earlier than I thought I did, but that’s beyond the point. Do you think that you would have fallen in love with him as fast you did if you hadn’t known that he was your online friend?”

                  “I—I don’t know,” Ryan answers truthfully. “Do you think he feels the same? If he didn’t know that I was his online friend could have fallen in love with me as fast as he did? And do you think he thinks that we’re rushing things? I mean—hell—we’re technically moving in together.”

                  “Ryan. All I know is that I haven’t seen Brendon this happy and changed since he met Sarah. We all know what happened with them, but still. You don’t need to profess your undying love for each other like Romeo and Juliet, but you also don’t need to move at a turtle’s pace. Ask him the next time you see him,” she replied and finished her last braid. “Now, who’s ready for eyeliner?”

                  Ryan groaned. Maybe he wasn’t enjoying this therapy session as much as he thought he was.

-

                  Brendon had ended up in the hospital and wasn’t taking the news well that he had broken his ankle. He also wasn’t taking the news well that Ryan’s mother hadn’t thanked him for saving her life. But he didn’t expect much more. He did hope that he would get a chance to talk to her about Ryan though. His request was denied.

                  The only silver lining was that he managed to rough up Ryan’s father and cause a broken nose. That and by some miracle he escaped having the hospital call his parents. He wasn’t able to escape the cast, though, and that Jon, Spencer, and Josh had already signed it. Brendon wasn’t able to see what they signed, but he hoped that it wasn’t something too vulgar.

                  The doctor had told him that the cast should hopefully be off in 12 weeks and that he would need crutches too. Spencer had joked with Brendon that he should have broken his ankle sooner and then he could be handicapped for Halloween. The doctor did not laugh and warned Brendon that he was lucky that Josh had stepped in otherwise it could have been a lot worse.

                  So Brendon was wheeled into the car’s backseat, looking a lot worse than he felt. He had gotten some pretty heavy painkillers before he left, and he was tripping hard.

                  “Soooooo, Joshie, I think that Spencey likes you,” Brendon slurred, gauze falling out of his mouth. Josh rolled his eyes, and Spencer stepped on Brendon’s other foot. “Jon! Spencer stepped on my foot!”

                  “I swear to god I’m babysitting children,” Jon grumbled mostly to himself and to Josh. “Please take me with you to California. I can totally play for your band.”

                  Josh laughed, “Good try, but they’re all yours. You’re the father of the group. I’m like that for my band. But it’s a good thing. You end up being the godfather or uncle of any of the kids they have.”

                  “I can’t imagine Spencer or Brendon having kids.”

                  “You do know that I’m still here, right?!” Spencer exclaimed from the backseat. “Also, I’m pretty sure that Brendon just pissed himself.”

                  “Well, it’s his car, so not my problem,” Jon replied, shrugging his shoulders. “He’ll just discover it when he regains some kind of human function.”

                  “So, should we plan on how we’re going to tell Ryan and Brendon’s parents what happened or are we just going to wing it?” Josh asked as he pulled into the driveway of Brendon’s place. “Because we sure as hell can’t just ignore it. Dude is drooling over himself.”

                  “You mean we have to be adults? Damn it. I was hoping that I could just escape home, and leave you two to deal with it,” Jon replied, snickering, “but seriously, though, thanks for stepping in, Josh. Brendon would be ground into that overly brown lawn if not for you.”

                  Josh shrugged, “It’s no big deal. Now let’s go face the music.”


	29. Home

                  Ryan was not happy. He was not happy that Brendon had started a fight with his father, and that he had gotten himself hurt. He was not happy that Josh, Jon, and Spencer had allowed it to happen. And he was not happy that he got stuck with a drooling and loopy Brendon.

                  Even Brendon’s parents had jetted off to New York to track down Brent to tell him what happened to his brother and that he should come home to talk some sense to him. Josh had gone back to his hotel—Brendon had of course arranged that before he was drug fueled—Spencer went back to his house, and Jon and Cassie had as well.

                  Now he was in Brendon’s bedroom, struggling to get Brendon to sleep. Every time he got close the older boy would spring up in bed, rambling about how he needed something to sleep. Fifty stuffed animals later, Brendon still wouldn’t fall asleep, which lead Ryan to more unconventional methods. First came a glass of warm milk and cookies. His mot—Danielle—would always make that for him whenever he couldn’t sleep.

                  Brendon ended up spitting up most of the cookies and milk. Ryan then tried a nursery  rhyme that he looked up on his boyfriend’s computer. That didn’t work either. Running out of ideas, he started to pace around Brendon’s room.

                  “Ryro, what’s da matter?” Brendon giggled. Ryan rolled his eyes. His boyfriend didn’t have a very high drug resistance, and he would have to store that information away for later.

                  “I’m trying to get you to sleep, because we need to go to school tomorrow and it’s,” Ryan pauses and looks at the time on Brendon’s cell phone, “three in the morning.”

                  Brendon giggles again, “You should kiss me. I like kissing.”

                  “Yeah. I like kissing you too. But not when you’re like this. I don’t really understand why you had to intervene. My mo—Danielle. She’s not my mom anymore,” he paused, and then coughed, “but she can take care of herself.”

                  “He was hurting her like he hurt you. I don’t like it when people hurt you,” Brendon replied, his speech slowly getting better as his head started to clear.

                  “I appreciate that. And I don’t like it when you get hurt either. But I don’t want to lose you to my par—them. I—I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt,” Ryan sighed, hoping that Brendon was clear enough to answer his questions. “Do  you think that we’re moving too fast, Brendon?”

                  Brendon sighed, and then sat up in bed, using his hands to prop himself up, “Do you?”

                  “I—I don’t know. We’ve only been together for a few weeks and I’ve already said I love you. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been together with someone before, and I don’t know if I’m feeling is love, or if I just really like you,” Ryan admitted.

                  “I guess I agree with you—sorta,” Brendon furrowed his brows, as the drugs wore off, “Jon and Cassie spent ages before they could say that they could love each other. It took me and Sarah a while, but it was because I wasn’t really in love with her. I was in love with the idea that I could be a normal straight boy who did everything his parents wanted him to be.”

                  “While you were getting beat up, Cassie asked me if I was only in love with you because I knew that you were my online friend  and that you felt safe. Do you feel that way?” Ryan questioned Brendon  and then sat down on the bed.

                  “I mean. It’s nice knowing that someone already knows a good portion of your secrets. But I love you for who are you, and how you still care about your friends after what happened to you. And that you aren’t afraid to tell me when I’m being a rich, spoiled brat. And sure, I did like you when we were talking online. And when I found out that you were my online friend it was like my dream came true.”

                  “But before I found out that you were him, I had stopped feeling the urge to go online, because I had you. I had this amazing guy right in front of me who gave me hell. He put me in my place. Maybe it would have taken me longer to fall in love with you if I didn’t know, but I already knew that I was falling hard and fast. Us finding out just moved things faster along,” Brendon replied, wincing as the pain started increasing.

                  “I felt the same. I stopping feeling the urge to go online because I had you instead.”

                  “I would kiss you right now, but I’m afraid that I’m a little challenged right now,” Brendon grumbled, and not a second later Ryan’s lips were on his own. Brendon instantly kissed back, pulling Ryan onto his lap by the overpriced shirt that he was wearing.

                  Ryan pulled back, “You know, I really hate this shirt,” he quickly stated, then pulling it off, throwing it onto the floor. Brendon’s heart skipped a beat, his pain suddenly decreasing by the second, instead it turning into something that he hadn’t even felt when he had watched those porn movies.

                  “A—Are—do you want this.” Brendon quietly asked, resisting the urge to run his hands down Ryan’s chest. He wanted his hands to memorize every little perfect imperfection that Ryan had.

                  “Let’s just see what it goes,” Ryan answered, attacking Brendon’s neck with sloppy kisses. He had seen this in a movie that was playing at three am on CineMax  and hoped that he was doing this right.

                  Brendon groaned, arching his neck back, “F—Fuck. Y—You sure you haven’t done this before?” There was no way that Ryan hadn’t done this before, Brendon had thought to himself. Because it felt better than he could have ever imagined.

                  Ryan laughed into Brendon’s neck, “There was this one guy, it was real dirty in a bathroom at this high school that I went to. He was a real dick, though.” He bites gently into Brendon’s skin, producing a louder moan from the older boy.

                  Brendon quickly felt his pants growing tighter, and wanted them off immediately, “I—I really hate these pants right now,” he breathlessly replied.

                  “I—I don’t think I can get them off with your cast,” Ryan added hesitantly, himself feeling his own pants growing tighter with every moan that Brendon had released from that beautiful mouth. He wanted to take his own pants off, but he didn’t know if he was ready for _that_.

                  “Um—,” Brendon pauses, “just leave them on.” He didn’t imagine that this would be as awkward when he had thought up what make out sessions were like. He thought that it was supposed to be hot, and sexy, and full of passion, not him lying there with a broken ankle while Ryan did all of the work.

                  “Uh—Hold on. I think that I saw this in one of those movies before. I hear it’s supposed to feel good,” Ryan answered back, going back to attacking Brendon’s neck, but grinding his jeans into Brendon’s, instantly knowing that what he heard was right. “ Y—yeah. Feels g—good.”

                  Brendon tangles his fingers into Ryan’s hair, grunting each time Ryan grinded into him, “I—I think that,” he breathes in, his heart racing, “they were right.”

                  Ryan grunted an approval, not knowing why he had waited so long to do this. He quickly loses focus on his attack on Brendon’s neck, moving to kissing him instead. He slides his tongue along Brendon’s, another bout of arousal hitting him when the older boy moaned into his mouth. Ryan wishes that he could say that he could last much longer, but he couldn’t. Kleenex did not exist at this house, so jerking off was not something he did.

                  Brendon pulled away from the kiss, quickly licking and biting at Ryan’s neck, just like Ryan had done only minutes before. He watched small red spots pop up on Ryan’s pale skin, licking at each spot. Ryan felt himself starting to get sloppy, barely making contact with Brendon anymore, and then—

                  Ryan’s body took over, his back arching, as shocks he didn’t think possible coursed down from the top of his shoulders all the way to his toes. His body instinctively jerks a few times, his arms giving out as his head falls onto Brendon’s chest. He was instantly embarrassed that he didn’t last as long as he thought he would. He was only a teenager, but he thought that he would last a little longer than a few minutes. Ryan panted, trying to catch his breath, only now realizing that he was the only one who had actually came.

                  He didn’t know what to do, so he pressed his lips to Brendon’s hoping for the best, to which Brendon responded with a groan. Brendon wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck, trying his best to grind onto Ryan with his cast, but it was mostly just desperate attempts to find some kind of friction. Brendon wanted to slide his hand down his pants, and let his hand do the work, just to get over that edge, but he kept jerking his hips and then—

                  Brendon let out a loud groan as he finally fell over the ledge, a hard spurt into his underwear. His body instantly went lax, as he took deep breaths, trying to rack his brain of what to say next. Luckily Ryan took care of that.

                  “I don’t think we’re going to school tomorrow, are we?” Ryan asked breathlessly, blushing. Brendon bent his head down to kiss Ryan’s head, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling in his underwear. He knew that leaving to change now would ruin the moment, and he wanted this moment to continue for as long as he was alive.

                  “Day home with my boyfriend or going to school? I think I’ll pick the first.”

                  As Ryan laid there with Brendon, he realized that this was home. Not the place that he lived in for sixteen years. This was the place that he should have been his entire life. In a place where he knew that he was loved.

                  Ryan leaned up to kiss Brendon, “Home.”

 


	30. Rex

                  The next morning—after calling Jon and Spencer to tell them they weren’t coming in—Brendon and Ryan woke up entangled in each other and the blankets. Normally the Nevada heat would have killed them but they ended up sleeping in just their underwear because their pants needed to be washed. Also, Brendon had one of the highest watt AC’s Ryan had ever seen in his life.

                  “Morning sunshine,” Brendon whispered into Ryan’s ear, his voice still heavy with sleep. He kisses Ryan’s earlobe. Ryan shivered, the feeling of someone’s lips near his ear sending shock waves down his body. After last night he was pretty sure that every touch of Brendon’s would send shock waves down his body.

                  “Five more minutes,” Ryan replied back, hiding himself under the blankets. “We have the whole day to do nothing. Let’s just go back to sleep.” He hadn’t slept that good in months.

                  “I still have your boxes in my car, and I have a surprise for you. Well—not really a surprise. Just something I’ve been thinking about for a little bit,” Brendon replied, a smile playing on his lips.

                  “Bren—no more surprises. You’re spoiling me too much,” Ryan whined, poking his head out from under the covers, “but you should be lucky that I’m hungry for breakfast; otherwise   I would never leave this bed.”

                  Brendon leaned over and pecked Ryan’s lips, “I actually sent the chef home so that I can cook—well try to cook you breakfast, and I’m sure that I can arrange breakfast in bed.”

                  “Oh god no,” Ryan said, “I’ll cook. You’ll end up burning down the house. Now where’s your crutches?” Ryan grins.

                  “Oh yes. Those—well—um. I haven’t gotten them yet. So—uh—you’ll have to carry me?”

                -

                  Ryan had ended up burning the eggs a little, and the toast was a bit too crunchy, but they both agreed that it wasn’t the worst breakfast that they ever had. And since Brendon had his cast, Ryan had offered to clean the dishes. It was like they were already a married couple.

                  “Those assholes!” Brendon exclaimed as he read what Jon, Spencer, and Josh wrote on his cast. He knew that they would write something embarrassing,  but he didn’t know to what extent.

                  Ryan rolled his eyes, “They wrote something on your cast, didn’t they?”

                  “Cassie was the only one who wrote something nice,” Brendon grumbled. “Hey wait, you haven’t written something yet, have you?”

                  “I’m okay with not signing it. Knowing me I’ll write something long and hard to read, and it’ll mess up the entire cast and then no one can sign it.”

                  “Maybe I don’t care about anyone else, and only want you to sign it?”

                  “I don’t even know what I would write. I haven’t sat down in a while and actually wrote.”

                  “You just don’t want me to see what you write. You’re such a tease.”

                  Ryan laughed, “At least I can walk around without needing assistance.”

                  Brendon pouts, “You are so mean to me. Now carry me into the living room.”

                  “Twelve weeks can’t come fast enough.”

                -

                  Ryan had luckily been able to cart in his boxes without any help from Brendon. Brendon was passed out on the couch in front of the TV. Ryan laughed when he saw that his boyfriend was watching cartoons. He wanted to wake him  but knew that he needed the rest after yesterday.

                  He also wanted to unpack, but he had a feeling that Brendon would want to be awake to help him. Or rather Brendon would just watch him while he put away things. Ryan didn’t know if he would be staying with Brendon in his room, or if Brendon’s parents had planned for him to stay in one of the guest rooms. He would ask his boyfriend when he woke up.

                  That didn’t mean that he couldn’t explore a little,  though. He had only seen a few rooms, and he knew that there tons more. And he didn’t know what else to do with himself except for homework which he didn’t have the brain capacity to handle right now.

                  “Kind of spooky when it’s quiet,” Ryan whispered to himself as he walked up the staircase onto the second floor. He had already seen the first floor with the living room, kitchen, dining room, and the movie theater. The second floor was mostly a mystery to him.

                  He opened a random door, which lead him to a room that had its walls painted black, and posters placed randomly all over the walls. As soon as he saw the picture of Brendon and Brent on the black cherry dresser he knew that it was Brent’s room. He instantly regretted his decision. This was invading on someone’s privacy and someone’s past history and he wasn’t sure if this right.

                  He picked up the photo and what looked like a five-year-old Brendon and a ten-year-old  Brent looking back at him. Brendon was wearing an oversized Fall Out Boy shirt, and Brent had on an Avenged Sevenfold shirt. Ryan quickly puts it back down on the dresser. Maybe some things were best kept private.

                -

                  Brendon had fallen on the floor. And he was stuck there. He couldn’t believe that he would need LifeAlert—Spencer and Jon had always joked with him about it—right now. He felt like an elderly woman. He sighed. At least the floor was soft and he could watch SpongeBob from there. All he needed was a pillow and he was set. But he didn’t have food.

                  “Humpty-Dumpty  sat on a couch, Humpty Dumpty  had a great fall, all the king ’s horses and all the king s man couldn’t put Humpty  together again,” Ryan chuckled as he looked down at Brendon.

                  Brendon sneered, “You’re so funny. Now get me off the floor.”

                -

                  “I can’t believe that you decided to get a motorized scooter,” Ryan groaned as he watched Brendon ride it around the kitchen. He was almost sure that Brendon would end up breaking his other leg with the scooter.

                  “I can finally fulfill my dream of never walking again!” Brendon exclaimed and then accidentall y rammed the scooter into the kitchen island. “Okay maybe not.”

                  “Sometimes I wonder if I’m your boyfriend or babysitter.”

                  “A babysitter wouldn’t have done what we did last night, would they have?” Brendon asks with a wink, immediately zooming off into the dining room. “So we should do something fun.”

                  Ryan sighed, walking after Brendon, “What do you suggest? I’m completely okay with being lazy for a day and watching movies.”

                  “Well,” Brendon backs up the scooter, towards Ryan, “I was thinking that when Jon and Spencer stop by later to give us our homework we could take a little trip.”

                  “I am not missing any more  work  or any more school. Today was an,” Ryan pauses, he didn’t really want to go to school with hickeys, “exception but no more. So no more inter-congenital flights.” Even though he had already told Josh that he wouldn’t be able to run the bookstore he still wanted to work there. It kept him balanced just like school did.

                  “Don’t worry. No flights. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t take my scooter anyways. But as long as you’re a good boy, you’ll get the surprise.”

                  “You mean as long as I pick you up and be your personal nurse you’ll give me something for it? Because I’m not sure if I can handle being a nurse to a hyperactive kid who’s stuck in a teenager’s body.”

                -

                  Ryan and Brendon preferred watching movies in the living more than the movie theater. The theater felt more distanced, and they couldn’t sit in the same chair. Yes,  they loved that they could make popcorn whenever they wanted to and the smell it produced, but they liked the closeness of the couch instead. That’s why they were curled up on the couch watching a marathon of Harry Potter movies.

                  Since Brendon hadn’t read the entire book series yet, Ryan ever so often would whisper into his ear and tell him what was happening, or which character was, or which part they got wrong. It would be annoying for most people, to have someone talk during the movie, but Brendon loved it. He loved how excited Ryan got when he would spout out random facts to Brendon, like how many glasses Daniel Radcliffe went through the first movie, or how they couldn’t match Harry’s eyes to his mother’s because the contacts were hurting Daniel’s eyes and they couldn’t digitally edit it afterwards.

                  And Ryan loved how excited Brendon got when he was talking about music  and New York City. While they were eating breakfast,  he was talking about how much they missed while they were  there. That they didn’t hit the little stores in SoHo, or that he was still waiting for the stuff from FAO to come in. Or that they didn’t get to stop into the record stores. Ryan knew that they were destined to go back, and probably would end up staying a week instead.

                  By the time that the fourth movie was ending their popcorn supply was running dangerously low. Brendon had joked that he would drive down to the store and pick up a pack as long as Ryan was his feet. Brendon had thought it was hilarious but Ryan didn’t laugh. He said that he would much rather deal with having no popcorn than crashing into a Target.

                  “So, the next movie—Order Of The Phoenix—is really good because you’ll be able to learn more about Siriuis  and his family. And it starts getting really dark. I mean really dark. Umbridge—worse than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named —comes onto the scene and she uses these awful quills that instead of uses ink it uses blood. She’s awful and she wears all pink an—“

                  Brendon interrupts Ryan with a peck to his boyfriend’s lips, smiling into the kiss, then pulls away just as quickly.

                  “What was that for?” Ryan asks, pulling the blanket closer to him. He wasn’t used to his house being as cold as his new home was.

                  “Because you’re adorable when you talk about things like that and ramble. You get so caught up in whatever you’re freaking out about. Maybe one year for Christmas we should fly to Florida for The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter or to England to platform nine and three quarters just to freak you out even more,” Brendon replied, grinning. He loved seeing Ryan freak out  and knew that the idea would make Ryan freak out. Which it did.

                  “Brendon, that would be amazing. When I heard about it being opened I was freaking out. I remember asking my—I remember asking if I could go for my birthday. It obviously didn’t happen, but I always thought that it might end up happening eventually,” Ryan rambled again.

                  “When is your birthday anyway? Please tell me that I didn’t miss it.”

                  “August 30th, so I guess technically you missed it, or you’re just going to be really early for next year,” the younger boy replied with a shrug.

                  “Good, that means that my surprise isn’t for nothing then.”

                -

                  Brendon had decided that they had to stop at a pet store. He had thought about figuring out how to deal with a pet ever since Ryan said that he used  to have a puppy but couldn’t keep him. In the meantime, he also did some research. He even hired a detective—the detective had told him that he only found people but still did it—to try and find the dog that Ryan had to give away. While in New York City, he got word that he did the impossible—he found Ryan’s dog.

                  “I appreciate this, Brendon. I really do. But I know that you don’t like dogs. And you said that parents don’t like a mess in their house,” Ryan sighed as he stared at dog food cans, wondering if they tasted as bad as they looked.

                  “How about just an older dog then? They aren’t as energetic, and only need to be walked a few times a day. While you work at the bookstore I’ll be at home taking care of the dog,” Brendon pulled on Ryan’s hand. “Let’s  at least look. I hear that dogs choose their owners.” Brendon didn’t know if he would be able to keep this in any longer.

                  “Fine,” Ryan rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be pulled over to what looked like a plastic house that housed the animals up for adoption, “but I don’t really like to buy pets. I think you should always find a pet that needs your help instead—Rex?”

                  “Surprise! I um—I did some work  and find your old dog. I started looking when we first met up at Burger King, and found out while we were in New York. Wasn’t easy to keep it a secret. I kept wanting to tell you, especially after—uh—yeah. But I wanted to wait till—“

                  Ryan interrupted Brendon with a spine crushing hug. Brendon knew he did good.


	31. Moving In

                  It had been a month since Ryan moved into Brendon’s house, and it had been an easy transition once everything that Brendon had ordered from FAO Schwar z came in. Brendon had tried to help with unpacking, and hanging up posters, but every time that he tried he could feel himself tipping over with his cast. He was really regretting breaking up the fight with Ryan’s mother and his father especially since they hadn’t talked to Ryan since they kicked him out.

                  Ryan was okay with it. In fact, he was better than okay. He felt more welcomed and taken care than he ever had in his life. He had even managed to put on a few pounds, which terrified him at first, but Brendon had reassured him that it was a good thing. It just meant that he was eating better, which was entirely possible. From working his normal shifts, now forming a book club at his high school, and playing with Rex he was eating more than he normally had before.

                  Thanksgiving was a prime example of this. He hadn’t had a real Thanksgiving dinner in years, and ate as much as he could before Brendon, Brendon’s parents, and Ryan crowded around the TV for Thanksgiving Football. Brendon’s father—who Ryan found out was a pretty interesting guy—explained to Ryan what each quarter meant, and what a touchdown meant. Their opposing team ended up winning, but no one got upset like Ryan’s father used to. They all shrugged it off  and went to clean up after dinner.

                  Brendon and Ryan had snuck upstairs, meeting in Ryan’s new room. After a month of Ryan staying there permanently Brendon’s parents decided to convert a guest room into Ryan’s. Both boys had protested, but Brendon’s parents had told them both that it would be for the best. And that even though neither of them could get pregnant, they didn’t approve of them having sex right now. Ryan and Brendon had failed to mention that they had already dry humped  and had already grinded on each other. They didn’t feel that it was that big of a deal to tell them.

                  The two boys had relaxed on Ryan’s bed, laughing about how Christmas was coming up and how things were about to be crazy. And that Brendon’s parents would probably go off on some business trip leaving them alone to exchange presents. Not that the older boy’s parents left all of the time. Since Ryan had gotten there, they had made an effort to be there more, but they were still away for most of the year.

                  Ryan and Brendon loved it, though. When they came home from work or school, they could curl up on their favorite couch and read to each other, or watch mindless TV shows. They would pretend that the house that they were in was theirs and that they weren’t living in Nevada, or England, or New York City. Something far away, and somewhere amazing, because they were still keeping their relationship a secret from the school.

                  At first it felt exciting  and scandalous to be keeping something like that a secret. They had to steal kisses behind lockers, or empty classrooms, but now it was getting tiring. Ryan wanted to be able to kiss Brendon without worrying if someone was going to sneak up behind him. Brendon still hadn’t gotten over his fear of being looked down upon by his classmates even after talking it over with Cassie.

                  So, with Christmas right around the corner everything about school was mindlessly thrown to the wind. Everyone at their high school was abuzz about what they were going to do for Christmas or what they were giving to their family and friends. Giving away presents was something that Ryan had always hated about the holidays. He had managed to save some money from the bookstore, but he knew that it still wouldn’t be enough to get what he wanted for his friends.

                  “So have you decided what you’re getting Brendon for Christmas?” Spencer asked as he kicked his Vans off. About three weeks ago Spencer had decided to start dressing down, wearing band shirts, jeans,  and sneakers. He had told Ryan that it was because his parents took away his credit cards.

                  But Ryan knew that Spencer was just trying to seem more personal and cool, especially since Josh was stopping by for Christmas. Spencer still had a terrible crush on Josh and was actually calling him more than Ryan was now. No had really addressed Spencer’s sexuality and Spencer liked that. Even though his best friends knew far too much about him, there’s a few things that he would like to keep to himself.

                  “You mean besides a helmet or a crowbar to protect himself from that damn scooter?” Jon added, flopping down next to Ryan on the couch. “Because I totally want in on  that present. We can even bedazzle his helmet. But seriously, have you decided? Because if you need money or what—“

                  “It’s not about the money. What I’m trying to give him isn’t buyable,” Ryan pauses, he had been thinking about this for a while  but needed help to pull it off.  “I’m trying to get him on Broadway. For just one night. Whether it be an extra, or even someone to pull the stage props, I know that it would make him scream. He’s done everything for me, so I want to do something really cool for him.”

                  Jon whistled, “Shit. That is a big ask even for old Jon Claus here.”

                  Spencer groaned, “Not Jon Claus again. Didn’t you traumatize us enough last year?”

                  “Who’s Jon Claus and is he worse than—from what Brendon tells me—Spencer The Love Cupid ?” Ryan teased. Ryan himself has stopped believing in Santa when he was around seven years old. He saw his mother wrapping presents and quickly figured it out. Ryan had a feeling that Brendon, to a certain extent, still believed in Santa.

                  “Basically every Christmas Jon likes to dress up and conduct this giant gift exchange. And my cupid was classily done,” Spencer grumbled.

                  “Sure. That’s why I was able to throw toilet paper straight into your a—“

                  “Are you guys traumatizing my boyfriend again? I thought that we got out of that phase,” Brendon grinned, interrupting the conversation before it charted in waters it should never chart. “Now move your but, Jon.”

                  Jon rolled his eyes, jumping into a paisley print armchair, “Let me guess, you’re going to makeout with Ryan right in front of us and going to make us uncomfortable?”

                  “I miss making out,” Spencer sighed, “Ryan! What would Josh like for Christmas? I found the perfect thing online—it’s a personalized set of drumsticks, and they have his name on it—but what do you think about it? Or I can do—“

                  “Relax, Spence. Josh doesn’t care about presents. In fact, he’s not really a huge fan of Christmas to begin with. So anything would be good for him,” Ryan replied, letting his head fall onto Brendon’s shoulder. “So  what do you want for Christmas, Brendon?”

                  “Is it corny if I say that I already have everything that I wanted?” Brendon answered back and then was pelted by popcorn from Jon and Spencer, “I was trying to be romantic! You two obviously don’t know anything about romance.”

                  Jon starts to blush, “Um—well—“

                  “No fucking shit!” Spencer exclaims, sitting forward in his seat. “You and Cassie did not.”

                  Jon shrugs his shoulders, smiling bashfully, “Last night while we were watching Christmas movies. She loves those movies so the Hallmark channel has been on non-stop. All of a sudden she paused the movie, and then it just kind of happened.”

                  “So is she like obligated to get you a gift? Or was that your gift.” Spencer teased, and then screamed when he was pelted by popcorn by his three best friends, “I hate you all. But at least Brendon and Ryan haven’t hooked up yet.”

                  “Well—er.”

                  “Kinda, but not really,” Brendon mumbled. They didn’t really want to explain to their best friends that they haven’t progressed onto full nudity but instead were just palming each other through their clothes. Neither of the boys knew if that counted.

                  “It’s official. I’m the old spinster who will end up having fifteen cats, and I’ll know them each by name. Then when you guys come around, with your amazing families I’ll have been eaten by my cats,” Spencer states dramatically and fake faints.

                  “We all know that you’re going to end up with a nice person,” Ryan replied with a smile, “and you’re going to have a nice life. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have tons of time. In The Great Gatsby—“

                  Jon, Spencer, and Brendon rolled their eyes, and said in unison, “Everything was perfect.” They had all grown used to Ryan’s obsession with books, and Brendon had ended up stacking the family’s library with books that Ryan had loved. He had even forced the two other boys to read The Great Gatsby. After reading it,  they had a movie night where they watched The Great Gatsby movie adaptions. Jon and Spencer fell asleep during the first movie.

                  “Anyways. You’ll end up finding someone really nice. Speaking of—Josh wanted to tell you that he looks forward to seeing you again, Spencer. And that he loved the music recommendation that you had sent him before,” Ryan said with a grin. He liked that Spencer had a crush on his best friend, just because it meant that he could tease him. He wasn’t sure if Josh had a crush back on Spencer, but all he knew was that he spoke a fair amount about him, and asked often if he was okay.

                  Spencer blushed, “Oh. Cool. I sent him some underground bands from around here. For someone who was big into the local scene,  he didn’t really know a lot about the underground music.”

                  “So while he’s in town are you eventually going to ask him out? Or are you going do it on Skype as he’s going back home after Christmas?,” Jon teased.

                  “Oh fuck you, Jon. I know that he doesn’t like me like that. Plus we have a huge age gape, at least for someone our age. I mean, I’m eighteen and everything, but it would be weird. I just can’t find someone that I like. Ever since I met Josh, my hormones are going haywire. I even find Pete Wentz attractive now,” Spencer grumbled.

                  “Yes! My plan worked!” Brendon exclaimed, pumping his fist into the air. “Now  we can obsess over him together. The boyfriend doesn’t like it when I talk about him, or when I make my shrine up.”

                  Ryan rolled his eyes, “Only because I know that you would leave me in a second for him.”

                  Brendon grinned, and elbowed Ryan playfully, “I would never do that. I would probably wait a full minute, but I would never do it in a second.”

                  “Oh you are going to pay for that,” Ryan said and poked at Brendon’s ribs.

                  “You promise?”

                  “Okay! Now I’m getting nauseous,” Jon interrupted, making a choking sign. “Are we going to talk about if Brendon’s parents are doing the regular fly away, or not? Because I would like to know when we are going to meet up and if I can take Cassie away for Christmas.”

                  “I’m actually not sure. They haven’t mentioned it yet, but I do know that they have some big meeting coming up in January in Denmark. We can always meet up around New Years,” Brendon answered with a shrug. He was actually hoping that his parents would be out of town. He had never wanted that to happen before, but now that Ryan was here he wanted to celebrate Christmas just with him.

                  He had started buying Ryan’s Christmas gifts in the beginning of November and had to start hiding them under his bed so that Ryan wouldn’t see them. Brendon was so excited for Christmas and New Years too. He didn’t care that his boyfriend probably wouldn’t be able to get him something expensive, he just cared that Ryan was with him.

                  “Please let me know because I haven’t started on any of my shopping. I like to make it last minute, makes things more exciting,” Spencer added. “So what do you all want for Christmas? I’m going to guess condoms for Jon?”

                  “Oh fuck off, Spencer,” Jon stuck his tongue out at Spencer, “but what I want for Christmas is for you to finally find someone because I’m tired of you crying over Lifetime and Hallmark movies whenever you sleep over. My parents are starting to think that you might need a therapy appointment with them.”

                  “I bet I’m not worse than Cassie,  though.”

                  “I’m pretty sure Cassie didn’t cry over Titanic and then try to reenact the boat scene with me. As much as you have a girlish figure you’re no Kate Winslet,” Jon responded back with a snicker.

                  “Anyways! Moving onto the people who are the nicer of my friends. Brendon and Ryan, what do you guys want for Christmas? I have to figure out if I have to get it now, or if I can get it shipped from Amazon in two days,” Spencer ignored Jon, turning towards his two other best friends.

                  “I would like this cast to come off because it’s really affecting my love life,” Brendon answered, teasing Ryan. As much as Brendon put up a good front and told Ryan that he didn’t want more, he did. But he didn’t want to push his boyfriend when he wasn’t ready.

                  “I would like a new boyfriend. He would have to be thin, slender, have brown hair,” Ryan said with a grin.

                  Brendon sticks his tongue out at Ryan, “You suck.”

                  “Okay fine. You’re all getting gift cards,” Spencer complained. “Now let’s get back to the marathon of clichés in Hallmark Christmas movies.”

-

                  Brendon was lying in bed while his boyfriend was reading a book to him when he brought up Christmas traditions.

                  “So, my parents and I normally do Christmas on the twenty-third before they fly off to whatever place they’re going to. Do you want to wait to exchange our gifts to each other until the twenty-fifth ?” Brendon asked while he traced the veins on Ryan’s forearms.

                  “Um—it’s up to you,” Ryan replied hesitantly, gnawing at his bottom lip. He hoped that Brendon would want to open everything at the same time just so that he  didn’t notice that Ryan wasn’t giving him a lot. Ryan wished that he could get him a lot, and he was working with Jon and Spencer about the Broadway gift. Jon and Spencer had said that they would look into it, and they thought that their parents may have some connections.

                  “Did your family have any traditions for Christmas?” Brendon responded back, rubbing his thumb along the back of Ryan’s wrist.

                  Ryan sighed, and then put the book down on his lap, “We used to have this thing where we always had to watch this movie called A Christmas Story during the holidays. My mom would always get so excited, and when I asked her how she found the movie, she told me that her Christian school put it on one day. She said that she loved it—a bit surprised that they played a movie like that at a religious school—and she ended up watching it every year.

                  “I remember me sitting in front of the TV, the tree next to my dad, as I watched the movie with my mom. I thought I was so cool because I was watching a movie that my mom loved. I wanted to be so much like her, until,” Ryan trailed off, feeling that familiar lump of crying trying to bubble up. “Anyways . What about you?”

                  Brendon pecks his boyfriend’s cheek, “You okay?”

                  “I—I think so,” Ryan looked down his hands, “I guess I just realized that I do miss them. After getting Rex, the bookstore, the bookclub, and moving in, I hadn’t had time to really feel any way about it. And with the holidays coming up it makes things worse.”

                  “Do you want to try and contact them again?, ” Brendon asked softly. The last time they tried to contact them they tried to mail a letter that Ryan had written. Ryan had spent days trying to write how he felt, and when he finally sent it off it came back with a return to sender. He had vowed from that day that he would stop trying to contact them.

                  “I’m scared that I try again they could try and take me away from all of this. They’re still my legal guardians, and until I turn eighteen,  I can’t change that.” Brendon’s parents had tried to work with the court system to arrange something for Ryan, but Ryan’s parents didn’t turn up. They had also looked into emancipation, but Ryan had to be married or the courts had to decide that it was in the best interest that he would separate from his parents. Ryan didn’t want to take the risk that his parents would win the case.

                  “I’m sorry, Ry. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know,” Brendon replied, and then kissed his boyfriend’s forehead. “Now do Violet, Klaus, and Sunny escape Count Olaf?”

                  Ryan rolled his eyes, getting back to his book with a smile.


	32. Cancer

                  At three in the morning Brendon's phone buzzes alive with Jon's ringtone--Pavlove--on his bedside table. Brendon groaned after being woken up by the insistent calls from Jon and rolled over towards Ryan.

                  "Answer the phone," he grumbled to Ryan, his voice full of sleep.

                  "Phone's near you, and it's your phone," Ryan mumbled back, his face fully in the pillow.

                  Brendon rolled back over towards his phone and grabs his iPhone from the bedside table.

                  "Jon, I swear to god if--"

                  "Brendon. You need to get to the hospital. Right now. Something happened to Spencer," Jon cried into the phone.

                  "Not funny, Jon."

                  "I'm not kidding, Brendon. You need to go here now."

                  "Fuck," he replied, sitting straight up in bed. "What hospital? And what happened?"

                  "I--I don't know. All of a sudden his nose started bleeding and wouldn't stop. Then he just passed out. I'm at the Summerlin ER with his parents now. I think something is really wrong, Bren. The doctors haven’t talked to us yet. "

                  "Shit. Me and Ryan will be there ASAP."

                  Ryan sits up in bed, and instantly knows. It's Spencer. Brendon quickly hangs up the phone, jumping out of bed to throw on a shirt and shimmying into jeans.

                  “What’s going on?” Ryan asked, jumping out of bed too. But Ryan knew what was happening. Spencer had told him that even though he was in remission another cancer bout could pop up at any time. It was like the monster under your bed.

                  “I’ll explain in the car,” Brendon stated, his voice full of worry. “Just throw on your clothes. We need to go now.”

-

                  Not even ten minutes—Brendon had sped—later Ryan and Brendon were running through the parking lot into the ER. They immediately found Jon sitting down in a hospital chair with his head in his hands, and quickly made their way over to him, their sneakers squeaking on the hospital floor.

                  Jon looked up at them, his eyes bloodshot, and his nose leaking of snot most likely from crying. His hair looked like it had gotten caught in a light socket, and his clothes were haphazardly thrown on like he was in a rush.

                  “Jon, what happened?” Brendon immediately asked, his voice soft. “All  I heard from the phone call was that Spencer passed out. It was probably just a fainting spell from losing blood.” Brendon was trying to reassure himself, and Jon that everything was going to be okay.

                  “Brendon, you didn’t see the amount of blood that was pouring out of his nose. It was like—it was so much,” Jon cried, wiping away tears that were falling onto his cheeks. “Everything  was fine. We were just at his house playing a video game, and now this.”

                  Ryan kneeled down in front of Jon, and pulled his hands into his, “Listen. I’ve seen my fair share of blood with my family, I’m sure that it was nothing. Spencer will be fine, okay? He’s going to end up marrying Josh, and we’ll be there. You’ll be with Cassie with an adorable little baby. Me and Brendon will be there with Rex—Rex will probably end up being in a tux—and everything will be okay.”

                  Jon shook his head, “I can’t. The Doctors are talking to Spencer’s parents now. They’ve been gone for five minutes, and they haven’t come back.”

                  “That probably just means that there’s a lot of information to tell them. He probably ate something that they didn’t know he was allergic to, alright?” Ryan reassured Jon.

                  “Yeah, Jon. Spencer will be fine, and when we go into to see him he’ll be complaining about how the bedsheets aren’t soft enough,” Brendon joked, faking a smile. The truth was though that Brendon was scared shitless. He had always known Spencer as being healthy. In fact, Spencer could even outrun him.

                  “We shouldn’t get worried until we hear from Spencer’s parents okay? And then whatever is wrong with him, we’ll support him,” Ryan said, knowing fully well what it could be.

-

                  Twenty minutes later Brendon and Ryan were being shaken awake by Spencer’s father. Spencer’s father had the look of someone who had been crying, but most of it was covered by dark-rimmed  glasses and the same brown hair that Spencer had.

                  Ryan quickly shakes off the cobwebs, “Sorry, Mr. Smith. Fell asleep. Not used to staying up this late.”

                  Brendon rubs the sleep out of his eyes, “Sorry. When Jon called us, we were fast asleep. I had to run to Ryan’s room to wake him up.”

                  Spencer’s father nods, “It’s alright, boys. I tried to let you two sleep as long as I could before I had to tell you what’s going on,” his voice was husky and raw from crying.

                  “What’s going on with Spencer?” Brendon instantly asked, sitting straight up in his chair. “It’ s nothing serious, right?”

                  Spencer’s father sighs, and takes off his glasses, “It’s um—well—it’s not good. I don’t think that he had ever told you guys, but before we moved here, he had a bout with cancer. Hodgkins to be more precise. He got it when he was six, and eventually beat it when he was ten.”

                  Brendon’s heart dropped, “Why wouldn’t he tell us? We’re his best friends. He’s told us everything else.”

                  “He made us promise not to tell his friends because it was his decision, so I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you, son. I’m sure that when you talk to Spencer you can ask him why” Spencer’s father stated, and then put his glasses back on his face.

                  “Well, what does that have to do with what’s going with right now? He’s in remission, right?” Brendon frantically replied, squeezing Ryan’s hand.

                  “His cancer is back, isn’t it?” Ryan asked, calmly.

                  “Yeah,” Spencer’s father breathes in, “it is.”

                  “You’re kidding me, right? He’s been in remission for how long?! Are you sure that the doctors aren’t wrong?! They could have easily missed something!” Brendon exclaimed, his voice quickly rising. There was no way that his best friend could be sick.

                  “It turns out that Spencer had been keeping some cancer symptoms from all of us. He told us that he didn’t want to worry us  and that it was nothing serious. He said that it started happening about three months ago  and that he dismissed it,” Spencer’s father stated, his voice low.

                  “How serious is it?” Ryan asked, once again calm. He knew that Brendon was freaking out, and he had to be the calm and sane one.

                  “Luckily it’s only stage two, and—“

                  “How is stage two lucky? No stage is lucky!” Brendon interrupted, his emotions quickly getting the better of him. He could feel that familiar lump of tears starting to bubble up.

                  “It’s good because even though he’s stage two, the doctors  said that he has a good chance to survive. Since it’s only in one localized spot they can target the tumor and use radiation to get rid of it,” Spencer’s father calmly explained, ignoring that Brendon had interrupted him.

                  “I—I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell us. We’re his best friends,” Brendon replied resigned. “We’re  supposed to tell each other everything, especially when it’s something like this.”

                  “Can we see him?” Ryan asked.

                  “Jon is already in there with him. I told him first since he was the one who was with Spencer when it happened,” Spencer’s father sighed. “I think I’m going to take a walk. Stretch out my legs.” He roughed up both boys hair and then walked off in the direction of the cafeteria.

                  “Ryan. I don’t understand how he couldn’t have told us. We told him everything,” Brendon whispered, “I can’t lose my best friend.”

                  Ryan knew that he had to tell Brendon that he knew. He couldn’t deal with the fact that he could have somehow prevented this. Spencer started having symptoms three months ago when Ryan met him, so Ryan thought that by telling Brendon and Jon about it then maybe they would confront him.

                  Ryan wets his lips, “He told me at the bookstore when you told him to apologize to me. He told me that he had a bout of cancer when he was six and that he was in remission and that everything was okay,” Ryan blurted out like ripping a band aid off.

                  Brendon quickly pulled his hand back, “What do you mean by he told you?”

                  Ryan sighed, “He told me about him having cancer and that was one of the reasons why he was poor before his parents made it big and moved here.”

                  “And you didn’t fucking tell me? Are you fucking kidding me, Ryan?” Brendon exclaimed, his voice quickly getting louder. “I thought that you fucking trusted me! You don’t keep that thing a secret!”

                  “Kind of like you don’t keep a relationship a secret from most of the people you know?” Ryan spat back, knowing that it was one of the only chances that he would be able to bring it up.

                  “You’re fucking kidding me, right? There’s a _huge_ difference between keeping a relationship secret and keeping a past cancer bout secret. Can’t you fucking see that?” Brendon practically screamed, getting out of his hospital chair, now towering over Ryan.

                  “He told me not tell you! He said that it would make you and Jon worry! And I wanted him to like me  because they’re your fucking friends! I wanted him to trust me, so I didn’t tell anyone!” Ryan spat back, jumping out of his chair to stand face to face to Brendon. “You should know what that’s like. You can’t tell anyone what you’re really feeling.”

                  “Do I wish that I could tell the world that we’re together? Sure! But I can’t. But you could have told me and Jon that he used to be sick!”

                  “And why can’t you tell the world that we’re together, hmm? Is it because you’re still stuck up your ass and don’t want to be seen with me? Because I used to be a former poor boy but now has a sugar daddy who can pay for things?”

                  Brendon glared at Ryan, “And you’re still the ignorant asshole who I tried to fuck in the dirty bathroom stall. Boy, were you a tease.”

                  “Well guess what?! You’ll never have to tell the world that we’re together! Because we’re done!” Ryan screamed back at Brendon, storming out of the hospital exit, not knowing where he was going. He knew that he couldn’t go back to Brendon’s house. And he couldn’t go to the bookstore because the passcode had been changed. He realized that there was only one place that he could go. His old home.

-

                  When Ryan made it back to his house he realized that it wasn’t his home anymore. The bottles that had once littered the lawn were cleaned up, the lawn where Brendon burned Prom into had sprouted into a beautiful green lawn, and the outside of the house had been painted. There was a 2001 Jeep parked in the driveway, and the house was already decorated in Christmas lights.

                  No wonder no one responded to Ryan’s letter, his family had moved. And as he stood there, staring at the house that could have been his, under the sky that he had grown up under, he finally let those tears burst like a leaky pipe. He missed his family, he missed the way that his mother would make grilled cheese with extra cheese, or pancakes that had smiley faces on them. He missed the way that he felt when he looked at Brendon, butterflies filling his stomach.

                  He eventually fell asleep on a park bench, hoping that the morning would be better.

 


	33. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure it's about time to finish this up.   
> Next few chapters are coming right after each other, in succession.   
> Hopefully you enjoy the next few chapters.

                  It had been a week and Ryan hadn’t shown up for school or work and Brendon was getting worried. Sure , he was still upset with Ryan not telling him  and breaking up with him, but it didn’t mean that he couldn’t be worried for him. He had even stopped by his ex-boyfriend’s house to see if he was there, only to discover that a new family had moved in. He mentally wished them luck.

                  He had even went as far to track his phone on Find My iPhone, only to find out that he had left his phone behind at Brendon’s house. And even though he knew that Ryan wouldn’t be online, he still checked. Of course he wasn’t online, but Brendon still hoped that every time he went online he would see him pop up just like old times.

                  Brendon had also stopped by Jon’s house, and Cassie’s house to see if he was staying there, but he wasn’t. He had checked the hospital to see if he was with Spencer, but he wasn’t there. Ryan was missing, and every time he got a package that was supposed to be for him,  Brendon got more and more worried. He was about to organize a search party, but Spencer had asked him if he was ready for him to finally come fully out of the closet.

                  To say that Spencer was pissed with Brendon and the way that he acted was an understatement. In fact, he had even thrown his water cup at Brendon when he found out. Spencer had told Brendon that he threw away one of the best things that he had in a while. Brendon had agreed  and wished that he could have done the whole thing over again. But he couldn’t, and it killed him.

                  Luckily his parents were still away so at least he didn’t have to explain that Ryan had left. He didn’t want his parents to ask what happened, and why a person who they were quickly looking at like a son had left. Even if they broke up,  Brendon knew that his parents would ask Ryan to stay. He just wished that he knew where he was.

                -

                  Another week passes  and Spencer had started to help Brendon to try and find Ryan. Brendon had told him that he should be taking it easy because his chemotherapy was going to make him tired. He may have done a good bit of research about chemotherapy and Spencer’s cancer—Hodgkin’s—one night while he was worried about Ryan.

                  Cassie and Jon had also gotten involved, going as far to make missing posters. Brendon nixed the idea, not knowing if it would freak Ryan out. He knew that right now, wherever Ryan was, he was mad at him and probably didn’t want to speak to him. Brendon knew that he stepped too far  and let his spoiled brattish ways sneak back up on him.

                  Spencer had suggested one day that they check local homeless shelters to see if Ryan was sleeping there. Spencer said that it would make sense  and that he had stayed in them before when his family couldn’t pay the rent. One of the only good things about finding out about his cancer was that he felt like he could be much more open with his friends.

                  So Brendon had trekked through the city stopping by homeless shelters looking for Ryan, but couldn’t find him anywhere.

                -

                  Another week passed, and Brendon’s parents had left for Denmark to prepare for their meeting. Brendon had explained to them what happened, and they told him that they would try and find Ryan when they came back. He thought that they were seeing Ryan as one of their own sons, but as they left without asking him how far he had come along, he realized that he was wrong.

                  To say that Ryan had become Brendon’s new Brent was a safe assumption, but Brendon had less clues. He had no idea if Ryan could have been kidnapped, and they left each other on a bad note. Jon, Spencer, and Cassie had tried helping, but they knew that it was a lost cause. And Brendon knew it was too. But he still hoped that Ryan would show up.

                  So that’s why he’s sitting on the couch where Ryan and him used to curl up, filling the silence with The Christmas Story. Maybe he was hoping that putting it on would be like some sort of a Bat Sign to Ryan, but as the first showing on TBS ended, he realized that he was wrong.

                  “Fucking hate Christmas,” Brendon mumbled to himself, as he flipped through the channels, trying to find something that would fill the quiet that he wasn’t used to. After his parents had left he had tried to get drunk by raiding his parent’s wine cellar, but couldn’t break the lock. He had smoked the last of weed that Jon had given to him eons ago, but it quickly faded off, which only led him to eating most of the fridge.

                  Rex—Brendon and Ryan’s Russell Terrier—was curled up in Brendon’s lap, happily snoozing away. Since Ryan had left Brendon had looked at Rex like a part of Ryan that he left behind. So Rex ended up sleeping in his bed, and eating better than Brendon did.

                  Brendon eventually settled back on A Christmas Story, and he sighed. He hadn’t gone back to his bathroom ways, and he hadn’t gone back to not caring about class. He had read most of the library that he had put together for Ryan, hoping that somewhere would be a clue where he could be. The only thing he learned was that Moby Dick was not, in fact, as some people thought, about a man’s penis.

                  Jon, Spencer, and Cassie ended up putting up his family’s Christmas tree, and hanging the ornaments. Brendon tried helping, but didn’t really feel like helping. He still had presents for Ryan under his bed that he couldn’t bear to wrap or even look at. Doing things that he wanted to do with Ryan killed him inside. And when Cassie asked him if he would come out of the closet now, he said that he would no matter what. He said that he didn’t want to lose Ryan again.

                  Brendon glanced over at the clock on the mantelpiece where the TV was set up, and he sighed when realizing the time. It was officially Christmas, and here he sat, with a dog. Maybe Spencer was wrong. Maybe Brendon would end up being the one with fifteen dogs.

                  Josh ended up canceling his trip, saying that the label demanded that he stay in California. He told Brendon that he was an asshole for hurting Ryan and that he was sorry that he couldn’t be there to help. Brendon had agreed with him  and said that he understood. But he didn’t really. He didn’t understand how he left his little brother behind, missing. Maybe Brent and him did have more in common than Brendon originally thought.

                  “Merry Christmas, Rex,” Brendon whispered himself, to the sleeping dog, and the house. “Guess Santa should come now, huh?” As if on cue, a light knock on Brendon’s door grabbed Brendon’s attention, and Rex’s attention. Rex jumped off Brendon’s lap, quickly running over to the door.

                  Brendon groaned, propping himself off the couch, “Probably Jon wanting to exchange presents now so that he can leave with Cassie early.”

                  While Ryan was away, Jon and Cassie had decided that they wanted to take things onto a much more serious level, and Jon wasn’t complaining. When Jon had told Spencer, and Brendon Spencer had teased Jon, while Brendon could only give a half smile. As selfish as it was, he wished that could have been him and Ryan instead of Jon and Cassie.

                  Brendon’s feet hit the cold hardwood flooring, and he shivered. It was surprisingly a cold winter in Summerlin, and his body wasn’t reacting well. He had went to high school in a winter jacket every day, which wasn’t the most fashionable choice, but he didn’t care about that anymore. Nobody at his school cared about style right now, unless they were able to customize their Starbucks cups.

                  Rex started barking at the door, loud and insistent, and Brendon rolled his eyes. Even though Rex was an older dog, he still had lots of life in him. When Brendon walked him every day , Rex was always pulling him along instead of the other way around. Rex was also a huge fan of mail, and the mailman, which lead to much of Brendon’s paper mail being destroyed.

                  Brendon yanked open the door, “Listen,  Jon, I understand that—“

                  He was quickly interrupted with a pair of lips, and he instantly kissed back, realizing who he was kissing him, and it was certainly wasn’t Santa. _Ryan_ Brendon thought to himself. Brendon grabbed onto whatever clothing he could of Ryan, quickly pulling him into the house, while still kissing him like he was going to disappear again.

                  Brendon tugs on Ryan’s shirt, only breaking their kiss long enough for Brendon to yank off Ryan’s shirt. The older boy backs the younger boy up against the now closed door, both boys’ kisses now frantic. Ryan quickly yanks off Brendon’s shirt, running his hands down the older’s chest and stomach, while attacking his neck.

                  Brendon runs his fingers along the waistband of Ryan’s jeans, itching to get them off, which Ryan quickly complies with without saying a word. A happy sigh slides through Brendon’s lips, the first real noise either boy had made besides moaning. Ryan quickly goes back to attacking Brendon’s neck, leaving bruises as he runs his finger along Brendon’s waistband.

                  Brendon yanks his jeans down, kicking them off to the side, just realizing how truly hard he was, and how hard Ryan was. He only hoped that this was okay with Ryan, but didn’t want to ruin the moment with words. He didn’t need to. 

 

 


	34. Coming Out

                  Ryan and Brendon hadn’t talked once since they had sex. They instead let the Christmas movies talk for them as they cuddled with each other on their favorite couch. Rex had been upset that Brendon didn’t let him on the couch but ended up settling in his dog bed near the fireplace. Rex was asleep in minutes. However,  Ryan and Brendon were too wired to fall asleep. 

                  It was Ryan who spoke first.

                  “My mom said hi,” Ryan whispered into Brendon’s chest, feeling the sudden urge to get up and run again. He didn’t want to talk about their argument, but knew that he had to or there was no chance that they could save this relationship.

                  “Is that where you went?” Brendon asked, stroking Ryan’s hair. He was scared to hear about what happened with Ryan. He was gone for three weeks  but somehow looked like he hadn’t been gone for a day. Ryan was showered  and still looked as good as the day he left.

                  “I went a few places. Don’t really talk about those other places, but I found my mom. She’s living alone without my dad. She kicked him out, and she’s doing better. She doesn’t hate me as much now,” Ryan replied back. He didn’t want to tell him that he slept on a park bench the first night, spent a week in a homeless shelter, and spent another week in a shitty hotel spending the money he reserved for Brendon’s presents.

                  “That’s good. And no one could hate you, Ryan,” Brendon responded back with a kiss to Ryan’s forehead.

                  “You hated me three weeks ago,” Ryan said, “and I hated you because you weren’t going to change. But now I’m back here with you again.”

                  “And I spent those three weeks exhausting every option I had to find you. Cassie and Jon even made missing posters, and Spencer even tried to help find you. I searched for weeks. I traced your phone, but you left it here. I checked online to see if you were there, but you weren’t. I even looked at homeless shelters the second week you went missing, but I couldn’t find you.

                  “I promised myself that if you came back I would tell the world that we were together. And I intend to keep that promise even if we don’t end up together in the end. Because during those three weeks I realized that I wasn’t being who I really wanted to be. I was being an awful person,” Brendon finished with a sigh. He meant every word.

                  “I’m sorry I ran,” Ryan said, “I was scared because I ruined my relationship.”

                  “It was my fault. I should have come out as soon as we told Jon and Spencer, but I was still so scared of what others thought about me, but I don’t fucking care. I love you, and nothing is going to change that,” Brendon stated.

                  “I love you too, Brendon,” Ryan pauses. “My mom said that she hopes that you should come around sometime because she feels rude that she hasn’t been properly introduced to her son’s boyfriend.”

                  “Are we?”

                  “Merry Christmas, Brendon,” Ryan grinned, and then leaned up to peck at Brendon’s lips.

                -

                  Brendon and Ryan woke up at noon on Christmas Day.

                  “Can we just lay here for the rest of our lives? Because I would totally be okay with that,” Ryan released a happy sigh from his lips.

                  “Now who would feed Rex? Although I’m pretty sure he could feed himself. I found him opening the door to the bathroom one day. I was so freaked out I called Jon over, and of course Rex didn’t do it to show Jon. I think that your dog is part human,” Brendon said, glancing over at Rex who was still asleep in his dog bed.

                  “Get Jon or Spencer or Cassie to do it,” Ryan mumbled, nestling his head into the crook of Brendon’s neck. “I’m too comfy to move.”

                  “We do have presents to open, ya know. My parents left behind yours, just in case. And I’ll have to go grab yours because I didn’t wrap them so you’ll have to cover your eyes for most of the time. But,” Brendon trialed off.

                  “Can we skip presents? We can just eat some breakfast, and watch the Christmas Parade.”

                  “I’m pretty sure the parade is over, and nice try. You just don’t want to open presents,” Brendon said with a grin.

                  “It’s not that—it’s just—I spent the money I put away for some of your presents on a shitty hotel. I didn’t want to come home yet because I was scared that you were still angry with me, and the homeless shelter kicked me out. When I ran out of money, I found my mom, and I stayed there,” Ryan confesses.

                  “Why can’t you understand by now that I don’t need any presents?” Brendon replied and then kissed his boyfriend’s forehead, “I have you, Rex, and my best friends, I don’t need anything more.”

                  Ryan sighed, “I’m not going to win this fight, am I?”

                  “Nope! Now get your surprised face ready!”

                -

                  Brendon had managed to wrap a good portion of Ryan’s gifts while Ryan was cooking their breakfast. He was lucky that his boyfriend was cooking a big breakfast. The rest of the gifts that he couldn’t wrap he threw into gift bags. By the time Ryan was cooking breakfast Brendon had wrapped thirty gifts, and was able to throw twenty into gift bags. He went a little overboard, which why he ended up needing help from Ryan to bring them all down.

                  “I swear I’m going to kill you if I didn’t love you so much,” Ryan complained when he saw Brendon standing at the top of the stairs, trying to balance presents.

                  “Can you help me carry some stuff? I don’t really want to break another ankle. I’m lucky that I got it off early, and still kept the scooter,” Brendon replied with a grin.

                  “How many people have you killed with that thing since I was gone?”

                  “Are you including or excluding elderly?”

                  “Oh my god,  you are awful.”

                -

                  Before Ryan opened his presents,  he had insisted that they call Jon, Spencer, Cassie, and Josh to let them know that he was okay. Ryan had also wanted to call Brendon’s parents, but Brendon said that they were busy preparing for their meeting. So that’s how they ended up with Jon, Spencer, and Cassie saying to wait to open presents until they got there.

                  “I wanted you to open your stuff before they got here,” Brendon groaned as he played with a bow on one of Ryan’s gifts.

                  “Did you give me gay porn? Because thank you very much,” Ryan grinned, teasing his boyfriend. Ryan was happy that his friends were coming over because they would have presents for Brendon and he wouldn’t feel so bad.

                  “More like I got you a muzzle,” Brendon said, teasing his boyfriend back.

                  “Fancy. Is it for you?”

                  “Oh,  fuck you.”

                  “I believe that happened to you last night,” Ryan responded back, with a smirk.

                  “You are so going to get it,” Brendon replied, tackling Ryan onto the couch, and then licking at his boyfriend’s neck.

                  Ryan groaned trying to resist the urge to lift his neck up, “Come on. We have friends coming over. Don’t get me started.” But Brendon didn’t stop  and continued to lick at his boyfriend’s neck. “Fuck,” Ryan moaned, grabbing a hold of Brendon’s hair. Brendon bit down on Ryan’s neck, going over the bruises that he had left last night. “They’ll be here any seco—fuck,” Ryan was interrupted by Brendon palming him through his jeans.

                  “Do you think our friends would be offended if you came on a couch that they were going to sit on?” Brendon mumbled into Ryan’s neck, to which the younger boy bucks his groin towards Brendon’s hand. “Guess not.”

                  “Does,” Ryan groaned, “this count as one of my presents?”

                  Brendon grinned,  and quickly decided to slip his hand down Ryan’s jeans, palming him through his underwear instead.

                  “Fuck—fuck—fuck,” Ryan screamed, and then suddenly came without any warning into his underwear. Ryan was instantly embarrassed, thinking that he was going to last longer. Even while he was with Brendon , he didn’t makeout with him regularly, but he guessed that it was because he was backed up. “Sorry I didn’t warn you,” he panted, trying to come down after his orgasm.

                  “It’s alright,” Brendon responded, and then kissed Ryan’s cheek. “Do  you um—or should I excuse myself?”

                  “No way in hell am I letting you escape,” Ryan replied, and instantly flips Brendon over so he’s on the bottom. “Now  does this count as one of my presents for you?”

                  “Hell yeah it does,” Brendon said with a grin. Ryan pulled off Brendon’s shirt, throwing to the side, and kissed down his chest stopping an inch above his underwear. “So what are you planning?,” Brendon stated breathlessly.

                  “Just give me a second,” Ryan said, and then started licking the skin right above Brendon’s jeans.

                  “That’s what you’re planning, okay,” Brendon managed to squeak out, feeling his pants starting to grow tighter. “Should I get things for this, or?”

                  Ryan rolled his eyes smirking, “We did that last night. Isn’t your ass sore?”

                  “When did you get so confident? And can you please do it more often?, ” Brendon remarked. He always loved it when Ryan got cocky, it turned him on.

                  “Oh yeah?” he replied and ran his fingers along the waistband of Brendon’s jeans, noticing that Brendon was already getting hard. “Should I suck you off, then?” Ryan hoped that he sounded confident, because he sure as hell was treading uncharted waters. Last night was easy for him. Having his mouth on his boyfriend’s penis was something completely different.

                  Brendon bucked his hips,  not being able to hold it back anymore, “Oh fuck yes. Please.”

                  “Well have you been a good boy this year, Brendon?, ” Ryan asked, smirking, unzipping Brendon’s jeans. “Or have you been a bad boy this year?”

                  “Fuck. This is actually happening,” Brendon answered back, his heart skipping a beat when Ryan unzipped his jeans, “I—I mean whatever you want me to be.” Ryan pulled his jeans down, and Brendon felt like screaming out the window that his amazing boyfriend was about to give him a blowjob.

                  “Wait um—,” Ryan stammered, breaking the confidence façade, “how should I do this? Um—what do you like? I’ve never done this before.”

                  “Just—I think just go for it,” Brendon stammered back. Ryan nodded, and pulled down his boyfriend’s underwear, now staring at his penis.

                  “I guess here goes nothing,” Ryan said hesitantly, hoping that his lack of gag relax would help him. He licked at the underside of Brendon’s penis, automatically getting hit by Brendon’s hips.

                  “Sorry,” Brendon giggled, “just kinda happens.”

                  Ryan rolled his eyes  and presses Brendon’s hips down his elbows. He licks at the tip of Brendon’s penis which is already leaking with pre-come. Brendon groaned, biting down on his lip.

                  “S—Shit,” Brendon panted. Ryan sighed, thinking here goes nothing. He slides Brendon’s penis down his throat, able to fit most of it without much discomfort. Ryan starts to bob his head up and down  while trying to keep Brendon’s jerking hips down.

                  Brendon grips onto the couch, knowing that he was extremely close to coming into Ryan’s mouth. And as hot as he thought that it could be, he had to warn him.

                  “Ry—gonna soon,” Brendon managed to squeak out. Ryan waved him off  and continued to bob his head up and down, which only made Brendon harder. Brendon’s back quickly arched, and before he knew it,  Ryan was milking him, making sure that he was bone dry. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more than I have now,” Brendon said his heart missing a beat every time he breathed.

                  Ryan grinned, and wiped off any come on his face on the sleeve of his shirt, “I think that’s just the blowjob talking, but I’ll take it.” Ryan pulled Brendon’s underwear back up  and snuggled back onto Brendon’s chest.

                  “We should take a selfie,” Brendon suggested with a happy sigh, “so that I can make everyone jealous with how amazing you are.”

                  Ryan rolled his eyes, “Are you going to write: Look at my amazing boyfriend, Ryan. He’s good at sucking dick.” But Brendon was serious and reached across to the table in the  middle of the floor.

                 “I wouldn’t write that, but I still want to take a photo with you,” Brendon pulled up the camera on his iPhone, and turned it to the front facing camera. “now  smile.” Ryan wanted to tell him that his hair looked a mess  and that his cheeks were too flushed, but he made Brendon happy and smiled anyway.

                 “Are you going to keep that for your personal spank bank whenever I’m away at—shit. The bookstore. They fired me didn’t they?” Ryan groaned  and buried his face into Brendon’s neck.

                 “’Fraid so, but if you call Josh,  I’m sure he can rehire you. But no, I’m not keeping it for my spank bank. I’m posting it on FaceBook,” Brendon stated as he started typing out a status on FaceBook.

                 Ryan picks up his head, and stares at Brendon, “You are not.” Brendon finishes typing  and presses the post button.

                 “I believe I just did. I told you that I was going to change. I love you,” Brendon said and then handed his phone over to Ryan as a point of proof.

                 Ryan instantly clicked on Brendon’s profile, and read his status out loud, “’This is Ryan. Ryan is awesome. I like Ryan. Deal with it.’ You actually posted it. I can’t believe that you actually posted it. Now I wish that I had waited to suck you off.”

                 Brendon laughed, “I’m always open to later. Think I’m a little taped out now, but later,” he finishes with a wink.

                 “I plan on taking you up on that offer,” Ryan said with a grin, and kissed Brendon, feeling those butterflies all over again.

 


	35. Firewall

                  Just like Brendon needed help with bringing down gifts for Ryan, Jon, Spencer, and Cassie needed help too. Spencer couldn’t carry much as his doctors were telling him to take things slowly. And in cases of health he was willing to listen. The other parts of his life not so much.

                  As soon as they were in the house everyone sucked the life out of Ryan with hugs  and told him that they missed him  and that Brendon was an asshole. Ryan had only rolled his eyes  and smiled. Brendon and him had already worked out things he told them. But Jon and Spencer still wanted to talk to Ryan so they grabbed him and hid in the kitchen.

                  “Guys, I told you. Me and Brendon are fine. How are you really, Spencer? I’m sorry about dashing off. I’m a shit friend,” Ryan said with a sad sigh.

                  Spencer rolled his eyes, “First off, I had Jon, Brendon, Cassie, and my siblings and my parents to help me out. So that was fine. I just missed you and worried about you. Second off, we did that mission you asked us to figure out a few week ago.”

                  Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, confused, “What mission?”

                  “The present for Brendon! The Broadway thing! Our parents had a connection, and they worked with each other to pull it off. He’ll only be a stage-hand —turns out that you have to audition or whatever—but it’s the best that we could with such short notice,” Jon stated, and then handed over a perfectly wrapped red box. “Everything is in there.”

                  “No fucking way. I had seriously forgotten all about it. How did you guys even remember?” Ryan asked, astonished. He couldn’t believe that they had managed to do the impossible and in such a short time frame too.

                  “We thought it as like your last wish before you left. We were going to give it to Brendon no matter what. Sure, it would have made him miserable as shit but at least he would know that you were looking out for him,” Spencer responded back with a shrug of his shoulders. "Another thing. Me and Jon kind of overbought for Brendon, so we changed some name tags. So Brendon did end up getting presents from you anyways.”

                  “I swear to God, you guys are the best friends I’ve ever had,” Ryan said grinning. He didn’t realize how true that statement was. Josh was an amazing friend, but he never did things like this for him. He really was only his boss, and it didn’t crush him as much as he thought it would.

                  “Yeah—yeah—we know we’re amazing, now go amaze Brendon,” Jon rolled with his eyes, grinning.

                  “Thank you so much,” Ryan said  and went in pursuit to put the present under the tree. 

                -

                  Rex was curled up in Cassie’s lap as she sat cross-legged on the hardwood floor. She didn’t have the heart to move him so Jon had the pleasure of opening her gifts for her. Jon was originally excited about the idea, being able to know exactly Cassie would have in store for him. However when Jon opened a present from Spencer and when it ended up being the movie Prom he almost threw it in the fireplace. Cassie had rolled her eyes, and said that he could learn a thing or two about the movie.

                  For most of the present exchange,  Spencer had nodded off. Along with losing hair had had resulted in him being mostly bald, he was more tired than he had been in a while. He had forgotten what cancer felt like, and he hated that he had to go through this again. But his doctors told him that he had a seventy-five percent of recovery which he took solace in. And with his friends he knew he could beat anything. And maybe he wished that he didn’t feel so alone during Christmas but he that he couldn’t handle a relationship now. He was barely keeping up with the school work, and the treatments, and the filling out college applications.

                  “I think that Ryan should open another gift,” Brendon exclaimed, pulling a rather light package from underneath the tree. “Me, Josh, Spencer, and Jon kinda worked together on this.”

                  Ryan was already overwhelmed with everything that everyone had already gotten him. Spencer had gotten him a hundred and fifty dollar gift card to Hot Topic—Spencer’s now favorite store—and a Great Gatsby sweatshirt which Ryan had quickly put on. Spencer had apologized that there wasn’t more, but he didn’t have time to get as many gifts as he wanted to. Ryan had waved him off and told him that he could have gotten him nothing and he would have fine with it.

                  Jon and Cassie had tried to restrain themselves with getting things for Ryan  but still ended up bringing fifteen gifts for him ranging from a two hundred dollar gift card for Amazon, to a beautifully bound journal that he could use as a new wall. But by far the best present that he got from them was a dreamcatcher. It was wrapped in a white thread, and brown wood, and had a hook to hang up near his bed. When Ryan had asked them what it was, Cassie had laughed and said that it was a dreamcatcher. She had also told him that dreamcatchers were supposed to keep away the nightmares. Ryan had thanked them profusely and said that he would hang up it right before he went to bed.

                  And of course,  Brendon had bought too much for Ryan and had even insisted that Ryan open his gifts before him. Ryan had whined about it, but eventually gave in when the rest of his friends agreed with Brendon’s idea. So now he was getting started on the gifts he got from Brendon, and he knew that it was probably going to take a while. He already nixed the idea of a Christmas dinner and was dreaming up the idea of either Chinese or pizza. But at this point he didn’t know if that was even going to happen.

                  “Josh didn’t really help but whatever,” Spencer grumbled and then folded his arms across his chest. After he found out that Josh canceled  his trip  and didn’t have to come and look for Ryan, he quickly dropped liking him.

                  Brendon rolled his eyes, “We all helped. Cassie was even there for support,” he finished, and then handed the package off to Ryan. “Anyways, open it.”

                  Ryan lifted the package up, weighing it, “Is it Fitzgerald’s  death certificate? Because I know that you think that I’m obsessed with him, and I do love his work, but I’m not that crazy.”

                  “Stop stalling, and just open it,” Brendon had replied, practically rocking back and forth on his heels. “We worked on this while you were missing, and wanted to finish it anyways.”

                  “I’m really honestly getting scared on what this could be,” Ryan answered, and then rips open the package, immediately coming face to face with what looks like a CD that is labeled The Wall Writings. “What is this?”

                  “Well um—well—when Josh was getting things from your old house, he took pictures of the walls because he thought it was really cool. He thought it looked like an art exhibit. We all forgot about them, but then Spencer brought up whatever happened to those photos, and Josh texted them over to me. I forgot about them again until a few weeks ago when I was trying to think of a Christmas gift that would really surprise you. So me, Jon, Spencer, and Josh got brainstorming. I had always thought that a lot of them looked like lyrics, so we converted them into an album.”

                  “I sang, Jon played bass, Spencer picked up his old hobby of drumming—I swear one of the only things that actually calms him you should see it—and Josh got one of his buddies in California to play guitar for us and mix the tracks for us. I came up with the title. I was juggling with The Wall Writings, and Firewall—considering ya know, how we started talking—but eventually settled on The Wall Writings. So—um—yeah,” Brendon finishes, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck.

                  “I—I don’t know what to say, guys. This is—this is amazing,” Ryan choked out. “Like, I don’t even need to open anything else. I never thought that I would have amazing friends like you, and be able to be out of the house that I was abused in for years,” he said, trying to keep that lump of crying back.

                  “And I never thought that Brendon would find someone who would turn him into a better person,” Jon had added. “Not that Brendon wasn’t a bad person back then. I think that everyone just knew that he could have been a much better person.”

                  “Thanks, guys,” Brendon said, blushing.

                  “I was really insecure back then and didn’t really want to let anyone in. I think that Brendon attacking me in the bathroom was actually a really good thing. It made me face my problems head on—no pun intended—and deal with things. I had to realize that my life couldn’t be a set plan. I had to live in the present, versus the future,” Ryan said with a sigh, placing the CD next to him. “Now Brendon should open something next,” he added, quickly trying to divert the attention from what Brendon did in the past. Ryan knew that Brendon was never a truly bad person, just a little confused on what to do with his emotions and feelings.

                  “No way! I wanted to wait till you were done!, ” Brendon said with a pout,  “I had been waiting a month for this moment. All those countless check lists really got to me.”

                  Ryan rolled his eyes, “You poor baby. Now open some presents. Open the red box first. Me, Jon, and Spencer worked on that for a while too.”

                  “Nope. That was all Ryan,” Spencer quickly interjected. “Don’t look at us.” Spencer glanced over at Jon, who was looking at Cassie lovingly. Spencer rolled his eyes. Maybe he could handle a relationship after all. This time, though, he would know not to rush things, and have sex with them immediately like he did in the past.

                  “Did you get me lock of Pete Wentz’s hair? Because I’m pretty sure I already have that,” Brendon teased, grabbing the shiny red box from the top of his pile, “or is it that muzzle Ryan was talking about earlier? Because I told him that we really don’t need one.”

                  Cassie gives Jon a confused look, who just shrugs his shoulders, unable to respond. He didn’t really want to imagine his best friends having sex, and now the image was planted in his mind. Jon cringed.

                  “Oh stop trying to make our friends uncomfortable and open the damned box,” Ryan replied, slightly annoyed. He knew that getting this done was impossible, and he couldn’t believe that Jon and Spencer had been able to pull it off.

                  Brendon winked at Ryan, and ripped open the wrapping, now staring at another wrapped box, confused. “Did you wrap air?”

                  “Um—I didn’t wrap it,” Ryan quickly replied. Ryan was extremely confused  and glanced over at Spencer,  who was nodding off again. And when he turned around to look at Jon, he only gave him a sly smile. “Just keep unwrapping it, I guess?”

                  “I think that you just wrapped air and worked with Jon and Spencer to produce air to wrap,” Brendon chuckled, and unwrapped the box, staring at once again—another wrapped box. “Yep . I’m guessing air.” But he unwrapped the box again, finally reaching the last box, which was taped to hell. “Okay, you know what, I’m just not going to be opening this today. I’ll open it when I have a chainsaw.”

                  “Just let me try it,” Ryan replied, frustrated. “Why did you decide to do this, Jon? Poor Spencer is falling asleep during the big reveal.”

                  Brendon shook his head, digging his fingernails into the tape around the sides of the box, “I got it—I think—just,” the sound of ripping tape interrupts his voice, “got it!”

                  “Good. Now open it before I turn thirty.”

                  “I’m going, keep your pants on, Ross,” Brendon mumbled, opening the flaps on the box, looking down at plane tickets for New York City. “We’re going to New York?”

                  Ryan gnawed on his bottom lip, “Um—look under that.”

                  “Okay the—” Brendon gasps, seeing the logo for Newsies, and quickly pulls the paper out of the box, thinking it was just a pair of tickets to see them. He continues to read down the page, another gasp erupting from his mouth, “I’m going to be on Broadway!” he screeched. Spencer jumps a foot in his seat, almost falling on the floor in the process.

                  “Brendon opened it, didn’t he?, ” Spencer grumbled, still half asleep and his eyes still closed. Not exactly the best way for him to wake up, but he’s had worse.

                  “Yeah, and you missed i—“ Ryan was interrupted by Brendon tackling him to ground and planting a hard kiss to his lips. Ryan instantly kisses back, forgetting that his friends were in the room.

                  “Oh come on! I woke up for this! Less shirts!” Spencer exclaimed, laughing.

                  “Please don’t encourage them, Spencer. I don’t want to see my two best friends making out in front of me,” Jon sighed, feeling like the older brother once again.

                  “I think it’s sweet. They’re okay with displaying their affection in front of people, unlike someone I know,” Cassie had stated sharply.

                  “Cassie! They’re practically making out in front of us!” Jon pleaded, “I just don’t like to make other people uncomfortable!”

                  “Is that what you’re going to say in 8 months when Sagan is born?”

                  Ryan quickly breaks away from Brendon, “What did you just say?”

                  Brendon quickly jumps in, “Did you just say that you’re pregnant?”

                  Spencer grinned, “Holy shit! I’m glad that I woke up for that!”

                  “I was going to tell them later, Cassie!” Jon said and then sighed. “But yeah. We’re pregnant.”

                  “More like I’m pregnant  since I’m the one who is going to be pushing an eight-pound baby out of my vagina and have to deal with morning sickness. But sure—we’re pregnant,” Cassie responded, shaking her hands in a jazz hands  form.

                  Brendon climbs off Ryan, sitting down on the floor next to him instead, “Well, I’m really happy for you. I’m sure it’s not what you guys were expecting. But if I knew anyone who would be able to raise a child and finish high school it would be you guys.”

                  “Thanks, Bren. We only found a few days ago, and we were going to wait a while just to make sure that Cassie didn’t have any medical conditions that could potentially cause any problems,” Jon had said with a sigh, “but I’m sure we’ll figure it out. We never know what the future could hold.”

                  Brendon and Ryan grin at each other. Truer words could ever be said.

                -

                  Jon, Spencer, and Cassie had headed back to their respective houses, and now Brendon and Ryan were cleaning up after the explosion of wrapping paper. Rex was trying to help  but decided that helping was eating wrapped paper and bows. Tomorrow’s poop was definitely was going to be interesting for their dog.

                  “Jon and Cassie pregnant, who could believe it,” Brendon said as he was struggling with trying to fit an odd shaped box into his black trash bag. Looking back, Brendon might have wished that he would have downsized on gifts for Ryan. Or maybe put two in one box. But he knew that Ryan was ecstatic each time he opened a gift, and that’s what he wanted to happen.

                  “Cassie is going to be an amazing mom though. If she didn’t want to be an author she could be a therapist though. When I was going through doubts about our relationship she helped me out through it. It was like getting a therapy session for free,” Ryan remarked, as he tied off his trash bag.

                  “She helped me out too. But she helped me with getting over my problem about telling people that I’m gay. She asked me that if you came back if I would do things differently, and I told her that I would do everything differently as long as you came back,” Brendon confessed, a small blush creeping up his neck. Even after being together with Ryan for two months, and talking with him for longer than that he still got embarrassed and still got those butterflies.

                  “You are so freaking corny,” Ryan said with a grin, planting a kiss on Brendon’s cheek, “but I love you anyways for it.”

                  “You sure that it’s not my big ass?”

                  “I’m totally sure. It was easy to get into last night,” Ryan teased, and ducked Brendon’s attempt to throw wrapping paper at his head. “That was not a very Christmasey thing to do!”

                  “Oh fuck Christmasey! I’m taking you down!, ” Brendon exclaimed, reaching into his trash bag to throw fistfuls of wrapping paper at his boyfriend, “Wrapping fight!”

                  “Not fair!” Ryan screeched, trying to deflect the paper with his arms. “My  bag is closed!”

                  “Not my fault!” Brendon yelled, eventually hitting Ryan in the chest with a rolled up ball of paper. “I win!”

                  “Oh no. I’ve been shot,” Ryan dramatically says, fake fainting onto the wrapping paper that now covers the hardwood floors.

                  “No! I’ve killed my boyfriend!” Brendon says sarcastically. “I think he needs mouth to mouth to survive!” As if on cue, Rex plods over to Ryan, giving him a sloppy kiss on his mouth. “Maybe not by me,  though.”

                  Ryan groans, pushing Rex away, “I think he needs a girlfriend.”

                  “Don’t be homophobic. He could be gay, or bi like Spencer,” Brendon replied with a shrug, staring down at Ryan  who was propped up on his elbows. “So how was your first Christmas at the Urie residence? Everything up to your standards?”

                  “I think that you’re missing one thing.”

                  “What’s that?”

                  Ryan grinned, “Mistletoe was not properly placed, and being a guest in this fine establishment I feel that I should be a treated to all pleasantries that come with Christmas.”

                  Brendon rolled his eyes, a smile tugging on the sides of his lips, “You just want me to kiss you, don’t you?”

                  “That obvious?”

                  Brendon glided over to Ryan, quickly laying down next to him on the wrapping paper, “Maybe. But I think that’s adorable. Just like how I thought you were adorable that first day that I saw you in that library two months ago.”

                  “Is it kind of weird that it’s been only two months and we already love each other? Isn’t that a little too soon? I mean we’re just teenagers. We don’t know what the future holds. I could end up affording college, and you’ll end up going off to college. We could grow apart,” Ryan replied with a sigh.

                  Brendon rolled over to face Ryan, “Sure, we don’t know what the future may hold, and I may end up going away to college in some far away state, and you’ll probably end up at an amazing school for musicians. But all I know is that right now, I love you.”

                  Ryan rolled over to face Brendon, “I’m really glad that I took library sciences , as boring as it was.”

                  “Better words have never been spoken out of your pretty mouth, Ryan Ross,” Brendon said, moving his head towards Ryan’s. Ryan made up for the extra space, moving his head closer to his boyfriend’s. Both boy’s hearts were beating, just like their first kiss two months ago, and as they kissed, they both knew that they may not be together in two years. They may end up growing apart, or having a stupid argument that would split them apart,  but right now, as they laid in the Christmas wrapping paper with Ryan’s new turntable spinning The Beatles’ Here Comes The Sun, they knew that it didn’t matter. They had now, and that was all that  .

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is is. The last (for the time being) chapter of Firewall. There is possibly another chapter coming, an epilogue of sorts, just to explain/wrap up some loose ends for you. But, I certainly know how to stretch a story when it shouldn't be stretched (i.e. Love Is A Four Letter Word), so you never know. 
> 
> Anyways, I just want to thank every single one of you. From the silent readers, to the only kudoks readers, to the commentators, you have made this a journey for me. A longer than a year journey. When I came back to FIrewall, after a VERY extended break, I didn't think I was going to have any readers left. I thought I was starting with a completely fresh audience. Turns out that once people in the fandom know you, you don't get forgotten (looking at you Brent Wilson.) 
> 
> You have no idea how amazing it felt the first time that I uploaded, and I got a comment, in which someone said that they were so excited that I was coming back. And that they were waiting for me to upload again. I didn't realize that people were waiting for me. So, every time that I got a nice comment, I would tell my parents about it. Even if I couldn't tell them completely what my story was about. If it was a really amazing comment, I would save the email, and look back at it when I was feeling self conscious about my writing. Looking at you NR, ryden_trash, and BittersweetChocolate. 
> 
> I'm so happy that when I came back though, I wasn't completely alone. Because I missed these characters. I missed Spencer's unattainable crush, and his sassy attitude. I missed Jon and Cassie, and the love that they had. I missed Ryan and Brendon's completely weird relationship, and how they shouldn't have ended up together. And they might not. 
> 
> To keep this from not rambling on, I just want to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON who read this. This journey was a personal one, and I proved to myself that I can finish a story. And I can be proud of it. 
> 
> So, thanks so much. Hoping that you'll continue with me on the next journey I make. Titled One Pint At A Time. Coming soon.


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